77

Happy Birthday Grandpa!!!!!
You would be 77 years young today. We would probably be getting lunch and taking a walk or something cute and fun like that because that is what we used to do.
We all miss and love you so so so much. I know I haven't been to see you in awhile and I am sorry for that, but soon I will come say Hello. It is hard for me sometimes...but not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

Love,
Your Blondie.

Dream to Reality.

I had the best dream ever last night. I dreamt that I put on a show at Aces and all the profits went to children in Africa who needed money for education. A ton of people showed up and we raised so much money.

Now I really want to do this! It would be one of the coolest things ever if I could seriously do this. Hmmm, can I make it reality?

Of course my dream had The Maine, Aaron Rothe, Sonny Moore and Doctor!Doctor! buuuut who cares...I don't need them. HA!

Old Tunes.

Does anyone else remember the band Crash Test Dummies?!
Boy did I used to love these guys.
I do not know what made me ever think of them, but when I did I knew I needed their album that had the songs Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm and In The Days of a Caveman.
Sooo I bought it and it reminds me of dance when I was in 1st grade. We used to warm up to some of their stuff.
They just don't make music like they did in 1993.

Soul Singer in a Session Band.

I took this from Lauren's blogspot.

Using ONLY SONG TITLES from ONE artist, cleverly answer these questions:

[ADDITIONAL RULE: You cannot use the same artist I did, or duplicate song titles even if they were performed by another artist. Make sure you send a copy to the person who sent you this as an "honesty check"]

Bright Eyes.

1. Are you a male or female: When the Curious Girl Realizes She is Under Glass.

2. Describe yourself: Something Vague.

3. How do you feel about yourself? I Must Belong Somewhere.

4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Devil in the Details.

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation: False Advertising.

6. Describe your current location: Down in a Rabbit Hole.

7. Describe where you want to be: Road to Joy.

8. Your best friend is: The Center of the World.

9. Your favorite color is: Sunrise, Sunset.

10. You know that: We Are Nowhere and It's Now.

11. What’s the weather like? Four Winds.

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called? Bowl of Oranges.

13. What is life to you? Another Travelin' Song.

14. What is the best advice you have to give? Nothing Gets Crossed Out.

15. If you could change your name what would it be? Laura Laurent.

We All Roll Along.

In regards to my last post I looked up some of their music...I never knew a song by The Maine would make me almost cry.
The lyrics seriously get to me. Fall of 2005 to Summer of 2006 are explained in this song to a Tee.
I don't care if you like The Maine or not, just listen and I bet it will make you think of a time that made you happy.

History in the making.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be writing this. I have a feeling I should be ashamed of myself, but I'm not. Being honest about music and the actual musicians is what I have always been all about. I have been very open to say that I am NOT in any way a fan of All Time Low or Forever the Sickest Kids. These two bands drive me insane and I believe that they have let fame over take them and they just plain suck. Then there is The Maine. I put these guys in the same category with ATL and FTSK yet I never really gave them the chance. They seem to be in Iowa every month and all the scene girls flock to their shows. I just figured they were all alike. I remember downloading some of their early stuff in early 2007, long before they were big and thought they were just like everyone else.
In the April issue of AP The Maine is featured as one of the 100 bands of 2009 to know. I decided to read the article. I was kind of surprised. I had no idea these kids were my age and younger. I thought they were all in their 20s letting fame get to their heads. However, I am completely wrong. I read the article to find out that Pat Kirch and John O'Callaghan are just normal 19 and 20 year olds who are living their dream. I did a little more research on these boys and watched some Youtube videos of them...not exactly their music, but them while they are on tour. They are just down to earth dudes that don't think they are famous and don't let the fame get to them. Now, I am still not a huge fan of their music (although I kind of can jam to their acoustic shit due to John's unique voice) but I can defiantly respect them a bit more then I used to and much more then ATL and FTSK. I don't think I will ever see them live, but if I do, maybe I will gain even more respect for them. For now though, the band members themselves are now in my book of respectable musicians due to their attitudes and the life they lead.

Dearest Thunderstorm,

You were one of my best friends last summer. Thank you so much for coming to visit once again. It has been too long since we last had a meeting. Please, feel free to stick around tonight. Also, do not feel shy to stop by more often. I enjoy your visits. When you come to visit, I find it much easier to fall asleep.

Love your friend.

March 3, 2009.

It is always great to see old friends.
I love seeing John and Maxx.
They both make me smile like this... :D haha!

New Music.

I recently bought some new music.
All of them are amazing and I can't stop listening to any of them.

- William Elliott Whitmore's "Animals In The Dark" did not fail on any level. Every song is sung with such emotion and "Mutiny" will get you hooked with the first listen. Definitely one of my favorite albums of 2009.


- No one can go wrong with the Beat Strings. "Fang in Rain" is nothing short of amazing. It makes you want to dance. Plus who doesn't enjoy listening to Adam sing his way through songs?


-Matt's voice on "The Island Moved the Storm" is intriguing and it draws you in and won't let you go.


-Kelly Dalton's 2007 EP "Home" is short and simple. It is brilliant.

She dances with the halfway truth.

I should be sleeping. An hour ago I was super tired and ready to hit the sack. Now I am just sitting here. Alone, just like every night. When I sit alone and don't think about anything in particular, the what-ifs start to cloud my mind and make it foggy. I soon am in a daze that is like a nightmare that I can not get out of. I feel as if I am alone in a forest that is spinning around me with no way out. I take a deep breath in, count to ten, let it out. It doesn't help. The what-ifs start to get louder in my head. They taunt me and laugh at me because they know the mistakes I have made in the past. They won't let me forget them. I close my eyes and scream. I tell them I don't care about the what-ifs. They are of the past and I can't do a thing about them. I am going to move on, I will run till they are far behind. They continue to laugh, so I try to run. It is as if I am chained to the ground. Almost every night this happens. I slip into an unconscious of what-ifs without even wanting too. One day, I hope they go away. I hope someone comes to save me, to make the spinning forest stop, to make the what-ifs turn to the nows, and to make the fog leave forever.

There was a time I followed my heart...

These are just a few of the times and people I miss.


Liz Me and Lauren at Clay Aiken


Wandering around Wal-Mart with Kenzie


Trick-or-Treating with Christina


DPC Fo' Lyfe


Spending May Day at Michael's


Doing Matt's hair in the hallway


Teaching my favorite class I have ever helped with


Driving in a bad thunder storm while taking pictures with JD


Going to lame ass prom with my best friends


Seeing John, all the time


Taking ridiculous pictures with Sydney


In general...Jon


Summer storms and running around in the rain like we are 12


Being immature at work while the boys skateboard


All of us actually together...like old times


Cheering with Em and Kylie


AAANNNDDD lastly I miss summer road trips with my best friend ever




This was more then a few...I got carried away. I don't really care though.

Pay the price.

I made a mistake once. I know it, he knows it, she knows it. Everyone knows it. Now, all I can do is sit here and pay the price for my lousy, not-thought through mistake. I hate it.

Thanks a lot Lauren.

She made me do it. She tagged me. That means I had to.
Sooo here are the ABCs about lovely ole me!




A
- Available: Aren't I always?
- Age: Twenty (emphasis on the T's)
- Annoyance: People.
- Animals: Puppies and Monkeys.

B
- Beer: I wish I knew the name of it. I had it once and probably never again.
- Birthday/Birthplace: September 30, 1988. Cornfields of Iowa.
- Best Friends: Lauren. Zach. Kenzie. Oh and I suppose Jon.
- Body Part on opposite sex: Smile.
- Best feeling in the world: Live music.
- Blind or Deaf: Honestly, neither.
- Best weather: 70ish with no humidity and a slight breeze.
- Been bitched out? Uh, yeah.
- Been on stage?: Yes. I was in band for four years and I did dance for 10.
- Believe in yourself?: If it is a good day.
- Believe in life on other planets: Not really.
- Believe in miracles: Yes. I think I witnessed on summer of 2007.
- Believe in Magic: Nope.
- Believe in God: Yes.
- Believe in Satan: Kind of.
- Believe in Santa: I once did.
- Believe in Ghosts/spirits: That I do.
- Believe in Evolution: There are different kinds of evolution.

C
- Car: Buick Regal.
- Candy: Reeses.
- Color: Turquoise, yo.
- Cried in school: Yeah.
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Vanilla.
- Chinese/Mexican: Mexican. The smell of Chinese literally makes me sick to my stomach.
- Cake or pie: Pie please.
- Country to visit: London. Mozambique, Africa. Amsterdam. Sweden. Denmark. I'm going to stop now.

D
- Day or Night: Night.
- Dream vehicle: Right now, a Volvo.
- Dance: Beat Strings shows.- Lauren's answer was the best, so I kept it!!
- Do the splits?: Used to, part way can now.

E
- Eggs: Scrambled.
- Eyes: Blue.
- Everyone has: Flaws.
- Ever failed a class?: Negative.

F
- Full name: Sarah Lyn Madison.
- First thoughts waking up: "What day is it?"
- Food: Chicken and pasta.
- Greatest Fear: Hospitals and death.
- Giver or taker: Both.
- Goals: Graduate UNI. Teach Kindergarten. Go to Africa and make a difference.
- Get along with your parents?: Usually. We have a pretty good relationship.
- Good luck charm: Don't really have one.

In guys/girls
Eye color: Doesn't matter. Green is super pretty though.
Hair Color: I'm not shallow.
Height: Taller,but if your shorter, that is chill.
Clothing Style: Put together nicely.
Characteristics: All the normal ones everyone wants.


H
- Hair Colour: Blonde.
- Height: Five foot and ten and a half inches.
- Happy: Today, yes.
- Holiday: Christmas.
- How do you want to die: Peacefully.
- Health freak?: Lord no. Though I might start to be.
- Hate: A great list of things.

I
- Ice Cream: Chocolate with peanut butter.
- Instrument: I wish drums or keys. But I played the flute.

J
- Jewelry: Rings. Piercings.
- Job: Building Supervisor and Camera Department/Customer service/checker. One day it will be teacher.

K
- Kids: I want to have three. And they will all have really cute names.
- Kickboxing or karate: Kickboxing.
- Keep a journal?: Haven't lately.

L
- Longest Car Ride: Newton to Gatlinburg, Tennessee.
- Love: I question it all the time.
- Laughed so hard you cried: All time if Lauren is around.
- Love at first sight: Is actually lust.

M
- Milk flavor: I do not drink milk.
- Movie: The Wizard of Oz.
- Mooned anyone?: Ha only Lauren I think oh and maybe Liz. And possibly Travis Wrights house during Truth or Dare with Liz and Emily.
- Marriage: I want it some day.
- Motion sickness? On spinny rides.
- McD’s or BK: Neither. I refuse to eat at both those places. It makes me want to throw up just thinking about them.
N
- Number of Siblings: I have one older brother.
- Number of Piercings: Seven.
- Number: 21.

O
- One wish: I have already stated it somewhere in this thing.
- One phobia: I have a few.

P
- Place you’d like to live: Oregon, California, Tennessee, New York, New Jersey.
- Perfect Pizza: Lots of cheese.
- Pepsi/Coke: I don't like either plain. It has to have cheery with it.

Q
- Questionaires: I do them, obviously.

R
- Reason to cry: Oh I cry over anything really.
- Reality T.V.: Survivor or Real World.
- Roll your tongue in a circle? Yeah.

S
- Song: Going Down Godless
- Shoe size: Big.
- Salad Dressing: French/Western.
- Sushi: Thoughts of Lauren and Cody.
- Skipped school: Skipped lunch once with Jeremy to go see Michael before he left for Florida.
- Slept outside: Camping.
- Seen a dead body? Yeah.
- Smoke: Hookah only. Kicked all other smoking habits.
- Skinny dipped? Too self conscious.
- Shower daily? Usually.
- Sing well?: Ha, lord no.
- In the shower? Not right now.
- Swear?: Yes.
- Stuffed Animals?: Arthur. and Lucky is pretty cute but he just sits by my books all the time.
- Single/Group dates: Group dates with all my cats. (I am probably going to be a cat lady, sorry Lauren!!)
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries. Blueberries give me headaches.
- Scientists need to invent: A cure for all cancer and then they need to stop doing everything they do, its annoying.
- Sport: I freaking LOVE baseball.

T
- Time for bed: Whenever I fall asleep.
- Thunderstorms: Love love love them if tornadoes or high winds don't come about.
- TV: One tree Hill. Grey's Anatomy. CSI. Cold Case.
- Touch your tongue to your nose: Noe.

U
- Unpredictable: Me.

V
- Vegetable you hate: Pretty much most of them.
- Vegetable you love: Corn!! Mmm can't wait for summer!
- Vacation spot: Grand Cayman.

W
- Weakness: My inability to control my emotions.
- When I grow up: I want to teach, go to Africa, have a family, have a house, see the world and make cute babies.
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: Lauren?
- Who makes you laugh the most: Lauren. Zach. Shaun.
- Worst feeling: Having lost the love of music. Which I never will, I hope.
- Wanted to be a model?: Eh, nah. It pays good, but oh well. I did it once haha!!
- Where do we go when we die: I don't know where you go, but I know where I will go.
- Worst weather: Snowy and cold.

X
-X-Rays: Broken hand. Teeth for wisdom teeth. Messed up knee.

Y
-Year it is now: Two-thousand-nine.
-Yellow: Can be okay in the summer, that is the only time it is okay though.

Z
- Zoo animal: MONKIESSSS!
- Zodiac sign: Libra.

Once again.

I bought Fang in Rain today.
It makes me smile.
Beat Strings have been blaring from my stereo for two days straight now.
I LOVE IT!!

Future Bands?

I saw this on face book and decided to do four of them.
Its done randomly through wikipedia, flickr and some other site.


Band Name: Water supply and Sanitation in Spain
Album Title: It wouldn't be that wonderful at all
Album Cover:



Band Name: Vedea
Album Title: One which will last forever
Album Cover:



Band Name: Highway 102
Album Title: I don't know which half
Album Cover:



Band Name: Dynamic Electrophoretic Mobility
Album Title: With the eyes and hands
Album Cover:



Band Name: List of Military Strategies
Album Title: I will move the Earth
Album Cover: It wouldn't load the picture :(

Tune in the dial.

I haven't done a blog just about what I have been listening too lately. So here we go.



Songs:
Campfire
Chocolates & Cigarettes
Wasted

Artist:
Angus and Julia Stone

Album:
Chocolates & Cigarettes EP



Songs:
Guns of Brixton
Death or Glory
Spanish Bombs

Artist:
The Clash

Album:
London Calling



Songs:
Now the one you Once Loved is Leaving
Hospital
Stay Awake

Artist:
Lydia

Album:
Illuminate



Songs:
Marshalltown
Young Man on a Spree
I'm Not Ready

Artist:
Modern Life is War

Album:
Witness



Songs:
Mr Rock & Roll
L.A.

Artist:
Amy Macdonald

Album:
This is The Life



Songs:
First Love
Chasing Pavements
Make you Feel My Love

Artist:
Adele

Album:
19



Songs:
When You're Smiling (The Whole Worlds Smiles With You)
September In The Rain
Hidden Persuasion
You do Something to Me

Artist:
Frank Sinatra

Album:
Sinatra's Swingin Session! and more

List.

I need to:
1) Find some single friends.
2) Stop flirting with boys I shouldn't.
3) Listen to more Frank Sinatra
4) Read more books.
5) Save lots of money for when I move.
6) Stop being so jealous about things.
7) Start listening to bands I used to love.
8) Exercise.
9) Do really good this semester.
10)Visit my grandpa.

Weather Patterns.

I drove through there twice today. I couldn't help but smile each time. I saw the three of us running around the entire building being carefree and dancing in the rain. I saw the four of us walking into the restaurant to chill before midnight bowling started. I saw the Hy-Vee where many times we stopped for alcohol. I remembered all the warm nights sitting under stars waiting for the next band to play. I remembered the blood pumping through my veins as I felt alive at the exact moment the music started. I thought of all the nights on a porch discussing music and life. I remember the nights trying to catch fire-flies. I remember smiling the whole night. I thought about the last time we hung out. I thought of the last spot I saw him. I thought of the last words we exchanged. I thought about that last hug between friends. Then my mind flashed to the times with others as well. Driving him home in a thunderstorm with him telling me it was okay every time I shuttered at the sound of lightening. I see us sitting on his bed talking, cuddling, and laughing. I see us eating at Taco Johns. I see the empty hopes and broken promises made.
It's weird. For about two years, this was almost like a second home. I was always welcomed and I always had a place to stay if need be. Those were the best days of my life. Being young, free and not caring. I thought about it all. I remember it all. I will never forget.

Adam Lambert.

This video is super good. It is from The Ten Commandments the Musical. 2:40 and on is the best of it.
Adam is one talented dude...I will be voting for him on American Idol.

One day.

6,446,131,400 and counting. - The number of people who live on Earth.
922,011,000 and counting. - The number of people who live in Africa.
19,406,703 and counting. - The number of people who live in Mozambique.
4,500,000 and counting.- The number of orphans in Mozambique with little to no education.
1 - The number it takes to change a life and help those with no education.

I will be that 1.

Hits a Nerve.

Straightedge. It's a lifestyle. Either you live it or you don't. There is no living it one week, breaking it the next then deciding you want to live Edge again. I have a great appreciation and a lot of respect for those who truly live this lifestyle. I have no respect for those fakers. This blog is about those who really live the lifestyle, not the breakers and fakers.
I do not get why those who are not Edge find it alright to diss those who are, yet get offended if anyone asks, "Why do you smoke?" Talking shit about someone who isn't destroying their mind and body with useless drugs and alcohol makes no sense to me. Maybe I have just been in the best of situations, but never have I heard someone that lives Edge diss someone who doesn't. They let them live their lives. There is more to this world then drugs and alcohol and they realize that, but do not hate on ones who don't.
Another thing, if the people who truly live Edge want to wear XXX on their clothing or hands, let them. It does not make them a pussy. It does not make them less of a man or woman then you. It makes them more of a person if you decide you need to degrade them with stupidity and they take it and walk away. Being Edge does not put them into a different group. Edge or not, everyone can hang out and have a good time. It's not like they are there to ruin the party and convert everyone to become like them. Just because they have X's affiliated with them does not mean they don't know how to enjoy life.
One other point. I do not for the life of me get why people say "I hate when people claim Straightedge. I like it better when they just don't smoke or drink." I'm not sure why this pisses me off, but it does. Why would someone hate that people claim a lifestyle that they really live? That to me is like saying "I hate when people claim they are Catholic. I would much rather them say they just believe in God." It does not directly affect you, so why do you give a fuck about what they claim?
Now, I am not Edge, nor will I ever claim to be. This is just one topic that drives me insane about how immature and stupid some people can be. I am one of those people who will stand up for a lifestyle or group that is not what I am because I can respect them. I respect those who live Edge and not. I just wish everyone could just face the fact that there are people in this world who choose to live a less hazardous lifestyle then others. There is no need for the hate and belittling.

Coasts.

Sometimes, on nice days like today, I wish I lived in a city of lights. I would drive to the nearest overlook and watch the full moon rise while the world below whizzes by at a fast pace. I could sit with my peaceful mind watching the lights below and wonder where and what everyone was going or doing. I would sit on the hood of my car and play Morrisey to soothe my thoughts. On nice days like today, I envy those on the coasts that can do such a great thing.


Playlist:

Hold Your Breath - All Rattle and Dust
I Like You - Morrisey
Kids Don't Know Shit - Islands
I Caught Fire (In Your Eyes) - The Used
15 Onces - Doctor!Doctor!

There's no place like home.

I absolutely love getting proven wrong when it comes to music. I went into tonight thinking that Doctor!Doctor! was going to be another shitty band that was just trying to make it big. I was dreading hearing some guy scream some lame lyrics into the microphone and pretend that he is actually saying something. I was expecting these scene/hardcore looking boys to be full of themselves and act as if they were too good for little Newton, Iowa because they are bigger then the three bands playing before them. But oh boy was I wrong. These four guys were so down to earth and make music for one reason, it's what they love to do. They are not in it for the money and you can tell that five minutes into talking to them. Tonight they played a show to less then thirty kids yet played like they were in front of hundreds. Each song was filled with energy and power. Each song caught my attention from the crazy good drumming skills, to the finger work of guitarist or the screamers emotion. They are simply four amazing and talented dudes. Before they left, they genuinely thanked the ones who were left for coming and said they would be glad to return...do I hear Bitchfest '09 in the making?!?!

5 Songs.

Peaceful Mind by All Rattle and Dust - Ben Driscoll's voice in this song...need I say more?

Going Down Godless by The Beat Strings - It's old favorite, I can't help it.

Diggin' My Grave by William Elliott Whitmore - It's just reeeally good.

D.E.A.D.R.A.M.O.N.E.S. by Modern Life is War - I don't need to explain this one.

Someone by Gimme Drugs - They make me smile. Plus leave it to Tim to be in a band with the name Gimme Drugs, that just makes you want to listen to them.



So I have been kind of addicted to my Iowa bands/New Jersey band for the past two days. There is nothing like amazing local music!

My Chemical Romance vs. Bob Dylan.

It's bad enough they are still pale as ever and that they wear black and red ALLLL the time. It's bad enough they started to suck after Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge. It's a sad thing to say that people still think they are good. It's a sad thing every single song they play sounds just like the one right before hand. The worst thing about them though...is they covered and ruined a Bob Dylan song. If you haven't heard their cover, don't listen to it, especially if you like the original. If you don't know what song it is, good, I'm not going to tell you.

New Music.

I have a new found love.
Their name is The Airborne Toxic Event.
They use strings, and strings make me smile.
I can only hope my teacher has to go to the conference on the day they are in Des Moines so I can seeeee them.

Amazing songs by them:
Papillion (Acustic Version)
Sometime Around Midnight
Moving On
Happiness is Overrated
This is Nowhere

Retrieved.

Theses were my goals for 2008. I found them while I was shifting through old blogs. Didn't do so hot on accomplishing a lot of them.


List for 2008

Stay in the B range for college. - Completed.

Change my lifestyle. - Failed.

Find someone who likes me for me and who will wait for more then 3 months if necessary. - Completed/Failed.

Go on a road trip. - Completed.

Go to Warped Tour. - Failed.

Read a lot. - Completed.

Go to amazing shows. - Completed.

Laugh, a lot. - Completed.

Make memories that will stay with me forever. - Completed.

Grow my hair long. - FAILLLLLED.

Stay fit. - Failed.

Hold back no feelings, let everyone know what or how I feel about them. - Failed.

Get more sleep. - Failed.

Eat more healthy. - Failed.

Save TONS of money. - Failed.

Meet someone who will make a difference in my life. - Failed.

Dance in the rain, under the stars and in the middle of the street. - Completed.

Camp, a lot. - Failed majorly.

Just have fun!! - Completed.

Make Love. Not War.

During dinner my mom and I had a conversation about how we wish we would have grown up in the sixties. Now, my mom did grow up then, but she was very young in the sixties. She wishes she would have been a bit older so she could have been a hippie. I told her I wish I would have grown up then as well. She told me I would have fit in perfectly with the hippies. We talked about how we would have worn ribbons and flowers in our hair, bell bottoms would have been our choice of jeans, we would have thrown up peace signs, protested war, danced freely and did drugs. My mom also decided I would have been Jane Fonda's best friend. We would have had boys who had long hair, wore sandals and were too high all the time to comprehend what was going on besides there was war that no one wanted. Then some how we talked about how we would be addicted to crack now because we moved on from weed. Haha, oh man, I love my mom!

Last Played.

One song from the last 25 artists played on my itunes:

I Get Money - 50 Cent
Punk Bitch - 3!Oh3
Get Well Cards - Conor Oberst
Thanks to You - Copeland
Action Figures - The Cool Kids
Last Train Home - Lost Prophets
Closing Time - Semisonic
Black Cloud - Converge
All Hail the Heart breaker - The Spill Canvas
Swing Life Away - Rise Against
One Blood - Terence Jay
Here Comes a Regular - The Replacements
Marshalltown - Modern Life is War
Unusual You - Britney Spears
Mind in the Gutter - Chris Crocker
Bigger Scars Make Better Stories - Search the City
Smooth Criminal - Alien Ant Farm
The Great Salt Lake - Band of Horses
She Loves me So - Anthony Green
Should I Stay or Should I Go - The Clash
Wake Up - Coheed & Cambria
When "You're" Around - Motion City Soundtrack
Story of a Girl - Nine Days
Pony (It's Okay) - Erin McCarley
Decode - Paramore

I already am.

I don't want to be the girl who:
-finds love last.
-is jealous of all her friends.
-can only get boys when drunk.
-stays at home every night.
-is scared to let anyone new into her life.
-the boys run to when the other girls figure out who they really are.
-always gets strung along.
-let the one person she loved get away.
-always wonders what if.
-dreams big and never really goes for it.
-people call at 4 a.m because she is the only one home.
-every girl hates because she is a "threat" to them.
-is too shy to talk to him.
-is dependent on others.
-returns to this place.
-makes mistakes and never learns from them.
-regrets things.
-lets amazing people walk out of her life.
-doesn't know where she is going.
I don't want to be the girl who is any of this.
I don't want to be the girl who already is all of this.

25 Random Things.

Everyone is doing it.

1. I still wish to go to M.U.D. cosmetology school in LA someday.
2. I can not write with blue ink pen, it freaks me out.
3. My handwriting changes constantly.
4. I will NOT respect your taste of music if you take All Time Low, The Maine or Forever the Sickest Kids seriously and believe they have true talent.
5. I am a sucker for accents.
6. I do not like hot drinks.
7. I always wear my two rings from Mexico, always.
8. I must sleep with my stuffed Arthur.
9. I don't think I have met who I will marry, but maybe I am wrong.
10. I could watch Levi Beamish and Mitchell Davis all day.
11. I own every season of One Tree Hill on dvd.
12. I adore Hanson, Conor Oberst and Copeland more then you can imagine.
13. Grand Cayman is my favorite vacation spot.
14. I'm always worried I'm forgetting something when I leave the house.
15. I love to drive on the interstate.
16. The radio is only played by me when I am showering.
17. Fall Out Boy is still one of my favorite bands.
18. I'm getting another tattoo soon.
19. It's possible for me to listen to the same song on repeat for hours and not get bored of it.
20. I own a lot of v-necks and MAC make-up.
21. I listen to classical music like Josh Groban and Sarah Brightman.
22. At one point in time I was obsessed with World War II.
23. I haven't visited my grandpa in over a year.
24. July 12, 2007 means a great deal to me in more ways then one.
25. My room is beach themed.

7 months = New home.

I always thought it would be so exciting to get an acceptance letter for a college. I always dreamt that I would be going with all of my friends to the same school. We would all get our letters on the same day, like they do in the TV shows, we would jump up and down with excitement as we all got accepted. It didn't happen that way though. I was alone when I got my mail and opened my letter, alone. I am alone going to the college i was accepted to because both of my best friends will not be attending my college or will be no where close to me.
Everyday it gets closer to graduation and I will be done with my Liberal Arts degree. Everyday it gets closer to the beginning of the 09-10 school year. Everyday it gets closer to the day of leaving this town, leaving my family and leaving my best friend who has never been away from my side for longer then 10 days.
I know I have written blog after blog about how I want to get out of this town. Now, don't get me wrong I do. I really really do. It is just kind of scary to know its actually going to happen in about 7 months. Like I said before, I always thought I would have someone with me. I will be on my own. I'm a big girl now though, I have to learn how to do things on my own. I just don't know how to.
I also realized I'm the first one of my group of friends to actually leave. Everyone talks about leaving but they never do. I suppose Mike left once, to Des Moines. That lasted about a month. I will be gone longer then a month, longer then two months. Sure, I will be back to visit, but I will be gone. My home will no longer be in my town, it will be in another town. When someone calls me, and I say "I'm at home" it will be an hour and a half away from them. It will be weird, scary, fun, exciting, and stressfull.
I'm rambling now.
Goodnight.

Honest.

I was just completely honest and now I want to cry.
Thats all, no details for anyone.

Apologize.

Ever just hit the "Next Blog" button at the top of blogspot? I did today. I must have gone through a good 50 some different blogs. Everyones blogs seemed to be filled with amazing stories and beautiful pictures covering many different topics. Even the blogs in other languages that I could not read, seemed to have some sort of amazingness to them that I wish I had on my blog. I sure hope no one ever happens upon my blog because they will be greatly disappointed. So for that I apologize. Maybe one day I will be like all of them and have amazing stories to write about and gorgeous pictures to go along with the stories.

Jealousy has its toll.

I just realized, I am a very jealous person. I have always known I have the tendency to be jealous once in awhile, but lately it has been all the time. I always seem to want what she has or what he has or what they have. Not in terms of what they have as in material things but other ways. When ever I start to think I have a grasp on what she or he or they have, it all fails and I am left to be jealous once more. I wish I could just stop being jealous of what they all have and just be happy with what I have, or don't have. It's stressing me out and I need to fix it. I don't know how though.

Things to ponder.

So I kind of took these topics out of my speech book, neat huh?

Teachers who stand out:
Mr. Kreie.
Ms. Starcevic.
Mrs. Burnett.
Tiffany Wilson.

Things I want to accomplish:
Graduate from UNI.
Teach.
Teach English in Africa.
Travel the U.S.
Travel the world.
Change someones life.
Love.
Live.
Learn.

Values I Cherish:
Honesty.
Loyalty.
Trust.
Respect.

The Life I Want to Lead:
An amazing one where people will look back and say that I made the best of what I had and never gave anything short of my all.

Interests I have:
Music.
Writing.
Fashion.
Make-up.
World War II.

Jobs I've had:
Receptionist at a chiropractor.
Mill Certs/Loading Truck Paper girl. haha.
Cashier.
Film Developer.
Building Supervisor.

Traveling I've Done:
California.
Texas.
Colorado.
Jamaica.
Grand Cayman.
Cozumel.
Tennessee.
Kentucky.
Missouri.
Minnesota.

Friendships I value:
Lauren.
Zach.
Kenzie.
JD.
Philip.
Jon.
Greg.
Brad.
Michael.
My mom.

Dream Jobs I want to Hold:
Fashion Designer.
Make-up artist.
Tour Manager.
Record Store Owner.
Teacher in Africa.
Founder of some sort of organization that raises money for children in need.

I have no witty title for this.

Our moms taught us as young children to be nice to everyone. Because of that, we have really big hearts for people we let into them. We are sick of it though. You, for example. We have held your hand and laid with you when you were down about your Oh-So-Shitty life. We have been there when you were ready for a heart to heart about what you want out of life. We have had those conversations with you that almost bring tears to our eyes because we see your real pain. Not the fake pain you sometimes put on for people. We have been there for the past 3 years, never failing as a friend. We told you we would always be there, and we have been. You needed us, we was there. Notice though, you have never rarely been there for us. All our conversations revolve around you. You have told us time and time again that you will always be there for us no matter what and that you are not going anywhere. I needed you once, she also needed you, you didn't answer our phone call or text. In fact, you never answer us anymore. Being there for someone means you physically have to be there. I'm sick of both of us being there for everyone and in return getting shut out of their lives completely .

A song that caught my ear.

The JV Allstars added me on myspace. Now, I had heard the name before and wasn't sure who they were so I took a listen. They kind of remind me of June or this other band I once saw play with June. I was getting ready to exit the page when this song started playing. I'm not sure why, but it made me listen. Maybe because it kind of fits my life right now. I don't know, but these are the lyrics.


The Abbey Road Theory

"Welcome to the best and worst of my hometown. As illustrated through dialogue and sound. Photos with captions you can't read aloud. A one sided conversation. Theres something warm about this home. Cold and comfortable just like the streets. I wouldn't trade away for anything. Cause here and now it won't be forever, here's to friends who will be there till the end. Its these nights, and these faces who keep me warm hold me grounded, touch my soul, keep me moving. Keep me moving. For every joyful night at 2 A.M. when the show was over and I was alone, for every patient person who's believed in me. Its one more step in desperation, I sing louder then I have before. Its theses nights, and these places that keep me warm, hold me grounded, touch my soul, keep me moving. Keep me moving. We are fragile like a glass, we are proud of who we are and what we have. Yeah in every single face is a healthy man. This is my home. These songs are sewn together seamlessly and lack all proper names to make you think this could be anyone including me...or is it just my imagination."

Dream to Reality.

I dreamt last night that I moved to L.A. I dreamt that I tried to get a hold of you and tell you that I was leaving. That I wouldn't be around anymore. You didn't answer my phone calls or reply to my text messages. I tried for many days in a row and got no response. I couldn't wait any longer and had to leave, I tried calling you once more as I sat in the airport waiting for my plane to sweep me away to a new life. Still, you didn't answer. I wanted to cry knowing I would probably never see you again because you chose to let me leave your life, again without pulling me back in. As I got settled into my new place in sunny L.A. with an old friend helping me unpack, my phone rings...your name is on the screen. I hesitate to answer it, but do just because I wanted to hear your voice. You ask me what I am doing. I tell you I am in my new place in L.A. You ask "California?" I say, "Yes, California." You pause and ask when I went there. Tears started to fall as I told you I moved out here two days earlier. You asked "Moved?" I said "Yes." I then went on to tell you I tried to get a hold of you for quite some time to tell you but no day was ever convenient enough for you to be my friend. There was silence on the other end while you tried to come up with some lame excuse about why you didn't answer my phone calls or why you didn't relpy to my text. You couldn't think of one because you knew I would know you were full of shit with whatever came out of your mouth. All you said was "I'm sorry." I laughed and said "Save it for someone who will believe that, because I don't. I gave too much of myself to you and recieved nothing in return. I love you to death and I always will. But it's time to let each other go, for good. Bye -------." I then hung up the phone with tears falling from my eyes.

I then woke up to realize I was really crying in my sleep.
Its sad, this dream...it will one day become reality and I am scared for that day. One day you will be too late on wanting to be my friend. I will be gone and we will have lost out on something that once was amazing that never got restored.

Sometimes...

This is what I do at work. I be a creeper while Alan rocks out on the drums and Brad takes photos. I love my job on days like this.

Lost Item.

I am sitting in my living room on the family computer. The only time I use this computer is to write papers for school. As I was looking through my folder of papers I have written in the past one popped out at me. It was one I wrote when I was 14, a freshman in high school. It was about my grandpa and every time I read it, it brings tears to my eyes.
I didn't edit it, I didn't fix anything on it, sorry if there are errors, deal with it.



Losing One of My Best Friends

Have you ever lost someone very close to you? They were so close you thought you might not ever be okay? Well that is how I felt. It was May 18th, 1999. I remember it like it was just yesterday. My grandpa had been sick for around 2 ½ years. I was just out of 2nd grade when I found out that my grandpa had esophagus cancer, cancer of the throat. It tore me up inside, even though I was only 8 or 8 ½ I knew that cancer usually meant death. I cried and cried, I was so sad, nervous, worried and every other word you could think of.
I can remember almost every memory I had with him while he was in the hospital, or when he was home for the short amount of time that he was. I was scared everyday that I went to visit him. I thought that he might die right there in front of my eyes. He was happy to see us every time that we came to see him. It helped boost my hopes that he might just get better. It also helped me not to be down and sad when I went to see him, because he was the one who was sick, and he was always happy.
Then when I was 10, May 18th, 1999, at 7:00am, Chase and I were eating breakfast when my dad came up in tears. I knew something was wrong but I could have never braced my self for what came next. He sat on the chair next to me and pulled me into his lap, and then he told us, grandpa had died around 6:00am that morning. At first I didn’t believe him. It just wouldn’t process through my mind that he had actually died. I cried until I got to school. I tried to act normal, but people could tell that something was wrong.
A few days later was his funeral. It was I think the hardest time in my whole life besides finding out that my brother was very sick. I cried through out the whole thing. I was angry, mad, sad, anything and everything. I kept asking myself, why the heck did it have to be my grandpa? Why not someone else? I think we all go through those feeling though, when you lose someone so close to you.
For the first week after my grandpa’s death, I was so mad at God, all the doctors, my parents, anyone that I could think of, I blamed for his death. I knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I had to let my anger out, so I blamed it on my family and friends. I would cry myself to sleep everyday after he died, just praying to God. I would pray to let my grandpa come back to life, and for me to see him again. My friends were very sympathetic towards me. They made me feel a little better, but all I really wanted was just to see my grandpa one more time.
People kept telling me that I was going to be alright. I really hated when people told me that. I wasn’t going to be okay, my grandpa died! Why can’t people just say, it’s going to be hard at first, but later you will feel better. I took it though; I would smile politely and say thank you, then turn and walk away.
I look back on those days and still cry. I still get mad wondering why him? I also look back on the wonderful 10 years that I did get to spend with him too though. I am quite fortunate in some cases though, my younger cousin Zach only got to spend less then 5 years with him.
The hardest times for me are the holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a birthday. No holiday or celebration is the same without grandpa. He was the joy, light, and tender heart in the room for all occasions.
I go on with my normal day, but almost not a day goes by that I don’t have at least one memory or thought of him come into my head. I know not to take advantage of being friends or family with someone because one day they will be gone, it could be tomorrow or 50 years from now, but I know to spend every second with them like it was my last. I know that one day I will see my grandpa again, hopefully not soon, but one day. That is the day that everything will be okay for me. I will be happy, excited, thrilled, and most of all I will be able to see my grandpa and smile at him knowing nothing can take us apart again. That is the day I will truly be happy!

Withdrawals.

I am having a withdrawal right now. A summer withdrawal that is. I have been sitting in my room burning incense, listing to Lily Allen, drinking Kool-Aid and eating chips and dip for the past hour and a half. All of these things are what I do in the summertime. This Midwest, Iowa weather is really taking a toll on me this year. I want to go somewhere nice where there is not a single hint of snow or below 65 degree weather. The two feet of snow outside my window brings me down just a little more every morning. Spring will not come fast enough. For now, I will just sit in my room and pretend it is summer.

Promise.

I made a promise last night. Although we were impaired, a part of me meant it to the fullest. No more blogs about someone. I will hold to that...for now at least.

The Script.

I had it all figured out. It was perfect. I knew exactly what I wanted and should say to you. Every little detail that would be a blow on your ego. They were like lines straight out of a movie. The words were itching with anticipation to be spoken but were guarded by my lips held tightly together. I could never say the words to you. I am not that kind of person. I have too big of a heart to hurt someone like you. No matter how badly you hurt me or anyone around you. I will just continue writing the movie script in my mind wishing I had the guts to use the lines. Maybe, hopefully, someone else is writing the same lines and will deliver them so I don't have to.

Nothing.

It is 11:28 in the morning. I have been sitting here trying to write something, anything for exactly 37 minutes. I have sat here and starred at the screen typing and erasing for 38 minutes now. Sitting here listening to Sarah Brightman sing from my speakers. I can not write anything for the life of me. It seems to all have escaped me. I need to go somewhere worth writing about. There is only so much you can write about when you're stuck in the same town for 20 years. After awhile no new experiences come around. That is what has happened here. Nothing new = Nothing to write about.
It is 11:31 and I still haven't wrote anything worth reading.
Maybe tomorrow.

The First Ones.

A list of the first 20 artists to grace my ears or speakers in 2009.


Copeland.
Armor for Sleep.
Brittany Spears.
Pretty Girls Make Graves.
Hanson.
Modern Life is War.
Gym Class Heroes (circa 2005).
The Bouncing Souls.
Motion City Soundtrack (circa 2003).
Motley Crue.
Owl City.
Tommy Lee.
Lou Reed.
Last Shadow Puppets.
Coheed & Cambria.
Robert Pattinson.
Pierre De Reeder.
John Mayer.
Explosions in the Sky.
The Good Life.

2009.

Hello :)

The Heroin Diaries.

Thank god. My mom and dad got me this amazing book for Christmas. I am so excited to finish it. So far I am on page 60 and I never want to touch a single drug in my life. This book is powerful and heartbreaking. This book amazing. I have always been fascinated with the life of Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee and now I get to almost be inside Nikki's head during the year of 1987. It is a must read. If you haven't read it, its worth the $20.00 to go get it. Trust me.

An Acquaitance Strikes a Chord.

I have not seem to let The Good Life leave my stereo speakers for the past three days. I have tried listening to Christmas music and others, yet I get upset because it's not The Good Life. I adore Tim's voice and lyrics. I love having The Good Life addiction. It makes me feel happy. It reminds me of their amazing show that Lauren and I went to. It reminds me of sitting on John and Angie's porch discussing Bright Eyes vs. The Good Life with Lauren, Jeff and Tim. It reminds me of getting random texts from Tim stating The Good Life is better then Bright Eyes any day. It reminds me of 2007, what a good year.

So Single.

I would have been saying it was two months today.
I would have been happy.
Instead, today I am burning bridges.
I am happy anyways.


Goodbye.

Lyrics of the Day.

"I can't think straight but I'm okay and I can't think of anybody else who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you so please give me a hint. So, please give me a lesson on how to steal, how to steal a heart as fast as you stole mine." - 6 months by Hey Monday.

"Its not like I'm a slut or that I really like to fuck I just want every boy I see to walk away with part of me until there's nothing left to hold until there's nothing left to hate I appreciate your help but even you cant save me from myself" - Japanese Gum by Her Space Holiday

"So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts? Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon, hows that thought for you? My scream got lost in a paper cup, I think there is a heaven where some screams have gone. I've got 25 bucks and a cracker, do you think its enough to get us there?" - Silent by Tori Amos

"I never stop feeling strange cause you would never know if you really change. You can never tell if you're center stage its thin as glass and never meant a thing. And you never feel good or bad only strange and unprepared cause you never see it coming." - Strange and Unprepared by Copeland.

"Holding onto dreams we collide. We had our future, our reasons, our fingers on the trigger. Well we based our joy on things we see we lose the trust in it all, the faith we believe. If you just trust in me..." - Truth & Reconciliation by This Providence

"No more phone calls. Don't tell me that you miss our times. Quit saying sorry cause sorry doesn't say enough. I admit it, I still think about those times when I was with you. So drown these memories until this bottle turns empty and I pray the feeling lasts. And then I run away from you where you can't hurt me any further." - Goodbye Friendship, Hello Heartache by Cinematic Sunrise

"When panic grips your body and your hearts a hummingbird raven thoughts blacken your mind till your breathing in reverse. And all your friends incentives mean well but make it worse. Every reassurance just magnifies the doubt that it find yourself a place to level out." - If The Breakman Turns My Way by Bright Eyes

"I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea always moving always hiding all the creatures from beneath. Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance to dance upon the ashes of my burnt up little plans. And I stand alone before the night my nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight. Life is long but so short. we are young we want more." - Who Needs Air by The Classic Crime

"Hes got his arm around her looking like an actress a gender driven heathen posing as a baptist subtle proposition where you fit them and your trackless. Baby you'll just get down to wearing out the mattress." - Beltloops by The Films

"Can you sleep as the sound hits your ears? One at a time. Unspoken balance here. A bridge for so many years that I should stare at receivers to receive her. Isn't fair. Don't worry I'll catch you. Don't worry I'll catch you. Don't ever worry. Your arms and mine...anytime. Wouldn't trade anything you're still my everything." - I'll Catch You by The Get Up Kids

To the one who will never read it.

You re leaving at the end of month and I will still not have my answers. I still had the slightest bit of hope that you would talk to me and we could possibly be friends, up until today. I realized that you are not man enough to talk to me. I realized you are not who I thought you were when I first fell for you. I had contemplated going against my morals and what I stood for when I was around you and now I am glad I didn't do what I thought I might. I would have regretted it fully.
I hate saying "it's too late", but I am afraid I have to say it about us. I don't know what happened to the boy I met and got to know, but I wish he would resurface, if only for one night. I wish he would come around to talk to me like he used to. Tell me things that I thought were true. Its pathetic really. It's like I long for that boy. The words, they were all so perfect. I suppose that should have been a warning sign for me to turn and leave. I believed them though. You made them sound so sincere. We got along, I miss that. I miss being able to talk to you and have you listen. I miss how when I stayed at your house and got the worst cold in history, I looked like hell washed over me and you still held me in your arms. I miss the way you and I would sit before Lit and criticize every person that walked by, we were both horrible and we both loved it. We could laugh together, it was real. I hadn't been that happy in a long time.
I'm scared again now. I am scared to let someone get close, I had broken that wall down with you and you made me put it back up. I'm afraid now. I am afraid to trust what anyone may say to me again. All the fears I once had that you made vanish are now back. I must start all over again. You made me want to believe in something I thought I never would. Now, I'm back to not believing.

I'm done now. I have so much more to say but its too personal to put on a blog spot. I know you won't read this, so I don't know what the point is. It feels good though. I don't want people to know any of this, yet I want them to know it all.

21.

I wrote a list last night.
It came out to 21 names.
The list is filled with people I feel the need to write a letter to.
These letters may be one sentence, they may be five pages.
Once they are all written, they will be burned, letting go of everything.
Or, hoping to let go of everything.
Are you on the list?
Possibly, but you will never find out.

And the award goes to...

If I had to give awards out to people, I would give these out. To be nice, I won't put the names of the people they go to. Some people would probably get more then one.

Award for Biggest Asshole.
Award for Runner up Biggest Asshole.
Award for Worst Boyfriend.
Award for Most Annoying Guy.
Award for Best Friend.
Award for Best Actor (in my life).
Award for Biggest Liar.
Award for Cheesiest Lines Used on Every girl.
Award for Best Guy Friend.
Award for Worst Guy Friend.
Award for Most Whipped.
Award for Dumbest friend.
Award for Awesome friend I never see.


mmm i will probably add more lata.

It's always fun.

I always get a kick out of seeing an old crush and having all those little girl feelings come back for a night. It makes me giggle thinking about it.




Listening Post:

Goodbye Friendship, Hello Heartache - Cinematic Sunrise
Sweet Valium High - Charlotte Sometimes
Headed for Heartbreak - Captin Kid
A Question for You - We Smoke Fags
Campus - Vampire Weekend
Earthquake - The Used
Why Does it Always Rain on Me? - Travis
Silent all These Years - Tori Amos

Another Top 5!

So I did a Top 5 list of things sometime last year, but I kind of wanted to do it again because I'm boooored. So here are a few different categories. Remember, these are MY Top 5, I don't care what you think. They are also pretty much in order one to five.

Top 5 Clothing Sites or Stores
1. Urban Outfitters
2. American Apparel
3. Heritage
4. Target
5. Old Navy


Top 5 Cutest Boys in the Music Industry.
1. Taylor Hanson

2.Craig Owens

3. Conor Oberst

4. Anthony Green

5. Keith Murray



Top 5 Best Shows of 2008
1. Hanson
2. Conor Oberst/Jenny Lewis
3. Modern Life is War (final show)
4. Jimmy Eat World
5. We Are Scientists

Top 5 Best Moments of 2008
1. Road trip to Omaha
2. Meeting The Spill Canvas
3. Seeing Hanson live
4. Almost getting strangled by Keith Murray's mic cord
5. John and Angie's Bachelor/Bachelorett Party

Top 5 Worst Memories of 2008
1. Modern Life is War breaking up
2. Having a major mental breakdown
3. Wasting time on a d00d
4. Jeff leaving
5. Not seeing my brother for 11 months

Top 5 Dream Jobs (if i had the talent to do them)
1. Own my own fashion line
2. Do make-up for a movie
3. Own a record store
4. Be a manager for a real band
5. Teach in Africa

Top 5 Things to do before I turn 25
1. Host a Walk
2. Go on a Tom's Shoe Drop
3. Change someones life in any way, shape or form
4. Go on a cross country road trip
5. Graduate college

Top 5 Favorite Places in Newton
1. The Secret Shop
2. The cemetery
3. La ca Bona (spelling is wrong)
4. Taco Johns
5. Perkins

Top 5 Things I wear or Carry with me Daily
1. My two rings from Mexico
2. My cell phone
3. Chap stick
4. Mascara
5. Ipod or music

Top 5 Favorite Youtube channels
1. LiveLavaLive
2. TheSpillCanvasBoys
3. ItzHanson
4. THEjasoncastro
5. Eljough - HA!

Top 5 Quirks about me
1. I sleep with a stuffed animal
2. I must always be listening to music if I'm not at work or at school
3. My music is alphabetized right to left, not left to right.
4. I laugh at almost everything
5. I pop only my pinkie knuckles

Top 5 Favorite Lyricists
1. Conor Oberst
2. Craig Owens
3. Nick Thomas
4. Aaron Marsh
5. Chris Carrabba, The boys of Hanson and Tim Kasher.


thats all for now!

He said it...

"This is what matters...I'm not going to be defined by bullshit, I'm going to be defined by what gets me going" - Taylor Hanson on Independent Music.

That boy is smart and knows whats up.

You don't do this.

I don't know what to do in this situation. I never thought I would be on the receiving end of these actions. I would have put money on me doing this to him before he would ever do it to me. I don't know what to think, how to act tomorrow or what to say. I don't understand. You don't do this, not to this extent anyways. You don't do this, especially when I am in the blame and have done nothing wrong what-so-ever to be treated like this. Looks like I picked myself another winner. Go me!

Mmmbop.

Ever waited 11 years to experience something you have dreamt about from day one? Yeah, I have too and last night the dream came true. So, most people are embarrassed to say they listen to Hanson or even that they own a c.d. Well, not me. I'm proud of it. I have been in love with these boys since 1997 and finally last night my dream of seeing them live came true. It was the best high I have had in a long time. Lauren and I just let loose and danced and sang our hearts out.

Caution:

My blogspot is becoming quite lame lately. I have nothing to write about nor can I seem to ever write what I want to. So in turn, I will post pointless little blogs that no one will care about. Random facts. Pictures, hey maybe I will even put up a playlist from time to time. Maybe, just maybe you will get something worth reading once in awhile, but don't get your hopes up.

The Best Thing.

One of the best things in life, is live music.
I adore it like nothing else.

Oldies.

Here are a few songs that should be retired from my speakers for specific reasons yet have found their way into my speakers quite often within the past few days.

Sit & Sink - The Graduate
When You're Gone - Avril Lavigne
Connect the Dots - The Spill Canvas
Bigger Scars Make Better Stories - Search the City
Marshalltown - Modern Life is War
What If - LFO
Swing, Swing - All American Rejects
My Eyes Burn - Matchbook Romance
Sweetness in Starlight - Matt Wertz
Three Cheers for Five Years - Mayday Parade
Conspiracy - Paramore

Fuck Responsibility.

New Jersey's finest.



Spanish Bombs show in seven days in Jersey. Let's go!

I'm okay with that.

Where have you been, darling? We used to know of one another and now we are whispers being carried away with the wind. We are heard in every distant song and seen in every faint smile. We have gone our separate ways. Do you still think of me? I won't lie, I think of you. Sometimes, I think of you more then I should. I will not be ashamed for it either. We have grown and become different people. We no longer need the crutch to sleep, we are no longer being ridiculous. We are here. Here for me is somewhere you aren't, nor probably ever will be. I am finally okay with that. We are the ones that tried so hard only to fail. I am okay with that as well. Sometimes I just wonder, where have you been, darling?

Debate.

I hate politics and probably will NOT talk about them with you, ever. But I will say this, I can not stand the sound of Senator McCain's voice. I also can not stand his robot running mate Mrs I Do Not Know How to Answer Questions. That is all.

New territory.

Could it be? I would like to think so,yet I'm scared. The past is rearing in and all the hurt is just lingering. I need to let it go. This time could be different. He knows how I feel. For the first time, I was upfront and honest from the first minute. I felt my walls break. He knows I have been hurt, respect is a huge thing for me, and mostly, that I have the biggest morals when it comes to sex. The best thing is after I told him all of that, he gave me a huge hug and said "that's perfect". That is the moment I got scared, if he meant it great, if he didn't I am in for heartache again. That is the moment I wished I would have kept those walls up, but I guess I should just throw all my cautions away and let life take me where it wants. Maybe this could be good for me.

The Great Escape.

It is just around the corner. 48 hours from now and we will be on our way. Oh the freedom is calling my name and I will soon run to it with open arms.

23.

No, this is not about the Jimmy Eat World song.
It is officially September 15, 2008, that means my brother is now 23. In fifteen days I will 20. I am not liking this very much. Chase is so close to graduating college yet it seems like yesterday he graduated high school. In those mere fifteen days, I will no longer be able to call myself a teenager. I should be excited, 380 days until I am 21. But this big 2-0 thing is scaring me. I am grow up way too fast. The real world is hitting me with no mercy. I remember birthdays from when I was little. Chase and I would have parties together because our birthdays were so close. We would invite everyone to our house for cake and presents, lots of presents. These days, its a card and text message wishing a Happy Birthday due to the fact we are all grown up and living in different states. Man, what I would give to go back to birthdays of the past.



Thinking To:

Blessings Be Yours Mister V - Sounds of Animals Fighting
Whatever You Want - T.I.
Oscar the Grouch - The Cool Kids
West Coast Frienship - Owl City

Testing the strong ones.

Last night I:
Smiled.
Felt envy.
Laughed, a true laugh.
Felt jealousy.
Sang Copeland.
Had flashbacks.
Wished.
Worried.
Remembered why I loved them so much.

Sweet Sounds of Fall.

I haven't done a playlist lately
so here it is, its a little bit of new, old, even older, and super old.


5 Years Time - Noah and the Whale
Mr Rock & Roll - Amy MacDonald
Fireflies - Ron Pope
Brightest - Copeland
California - Copeland
Atrophy - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Santa Monica - Savage Garden
The Difference - Matchbook 20
I'm Leaving - Jessey McCartney
Alcohol & Bandages - JamisonParker
Dead on Arrival - Fall Out Boy

The L Word.

Today in class we talked about love. The types of love, the theories of love and expectations of love. My professor told us to think about someone we are in love with or once loved. I sat there and two people came to mind, one stuck out more then the other so I used him. As my professor was describing all three of these categories of love, I couldn't help but have my mind turn back time to when him and I were in each others lives with great force and what he meant to me. I listened as he spoke about how we act when we are in love and how we feel...hearts racing at the sound of their name, sweaty palms, a never ending smile. He then told the class to think of that one person we are in love with or were in love with. Did we fit somewhere into what he was saying? If so, then we had really found love. I smiled, yet it quickly faded because I don't have those feelings anymore. My professor then went on to ask the class if we were no longer with the one we loved, what happened? He left us to ponder that as he dismissed the class. During my whole next class, I tried to figure out what when wrong and why we lost in the game of love. I have yet to figure it out.

Could it be?

What once was, could be relived, if only for a night. Will it happen? Am I letting my hopes get to high? It could be around the corner. Flying back to the fall of '05 in the fall of '08. Only for one night, it would mean the world to us. We can only hope and pray it all follows through.

Six Kinds of Blue.

I can not for the life of me come to grips on what happened to all of us. It was a mere three years ago when we were inseparable. We would go nowhere without the rest of us. This time of year always brings back the memories. I can clearly remember details as if it happened three minutes ago. I was 16, about to turn 17. Lauren was 15, we were all young. So naive to think nothing would ruin the tight bond we all shared.
As I said, I can remember things clearly. I remember waking up an extra ten minutes early to go pick up Lauren, go to Casey's to get breakfast pizza. We would then drive around eating it while smoking and listening as The Spill Canvas filled my car. We would have the windows down as the cool, fall, morning air brushed our fingertips making them red. We would arrive to school smelling of smoke and not caring. Meeting up with Matt in the hallway before classes started planning what we would be doing that night. Meet at Mike's? Go to the Bridge? The Courts? The Church? Maytag park? It was different, yet the same every night. No one got tired of it, or each other. We were a group of seven or eight kids who had the same views on life and loved living it. My white Buick and Mike's big beat up blue van were our ways of transportation to and from shows every other weekend. Copeland blared from our stereos, we would all sing along with so much energy, almost as if we all knew this friendship was too good to be true.
It was just that, too good to be true. We started to grow apart. Girlfriends disrupted our tight knit group. A few of us matured. Some of us got into trouble. We separated, slowly at first, then it became inevitable, we were no longer best friends. The late nights doing illegal things stopped. Phone calls and text messages became sparse, dwindling down to nothing. What once was, was no longer.
Now, I am left to think about the memories, what was, what could have been,and what is.

Fun Facts in Numbers.

One day ago was a day of numbers.

Dad turned 52.
Filled my car for $45.
Drove over 60 miles.
Spent 1 hour in my car driving.
It was 1 year since I was on the cruise.
I got 2 questions wrong on a Marriage test (I'm ready for marriage I am told HA).
I had 4 quizzes.
I had 4 classes.
I sang in front of 9 people, 3 times.
I passed 5 Ohio plates coming home from school.
I passed 7 Illinois plates on the way to school.
I passed 6 Illinois plates coming home from school.
I sent 5 texts messages to Philip while driving home.
I sent 1 text message to Lauren while driving home.
I saw 2 Newton kids in Ankeney.
I made 2 phone calls.
I listened to Copeland's Beneath Medicine Tree 2 times.
I received 3 phone calls from some number I didn't know.
Watched 5 of Mitchell Davis' youtube videos.
Dropped my car keys 2 times while walking to my car.
aaand more importantly it was...
Exactly 3 years since I had made some amazing friends, who I no longer ever see.

Neat huh?