Accident.

It was an accident. He probably didn't even see it coming and they for sure didn't. Its so sad. So young. Talented too, even though I didn't want to admit it at times. He really was. Always had a smile on his face everytime I met him. He waved at us once, not because he had to, because he wanted to (or maybe he felt he needed to? I will stick with he wanted to), the others didn't wave.
Hmm death, what a scary thought. We never know when it will consume us or our loved ones.

The feeling.

"its like when you go and see a really great band live for the first time. nobody is saying it but everyone is thinking it. we have something to believe in again" - Payton on One Tree Hill.

I want to feel this. I want to have something to believe in again. I can't wait for that day when that feeling as re-entered my body. For to feel is to be alive and as of right now I am on the edge of half dead.

Grateful

People I was thankful for this year:
(I may not like some of these people now, but they did have an impact in my life)
Mom
Dad
Chase
Dave
Lisa
Lauren
Zach
Grandma
Sydney
Kenzie
JD
Philip
Ali
Jason
Lee
Brad
Shaun
Jeff
Tyler
Harm
Tim
Lenny
Cam
Nick
Clark
Matt
Anton
John
Fatty
Dustin
Kevin
Mike F.
Chris
Adam
Mike
Blake
Chas


Things I was thankful for this year:
Music
Love
Oxygen
My dad being alive
My brother's foot being okay
Getting out of high school
Warped Tour

Ha Ha

So the past few days have been supaaa good. Its been nice. Me and him are getting along and talking, almost like we used to. It makes me happy.

So funniest thing happened this morning.

Here in your arms by Hellogoodbye is my text ring for someone (and it is pretty much the whole song) Well my alarm went off and that song was playing. So I thought it was my phone, I didn't open my eyes. I just searched for my phone, opened it and shut it. The song didn't stop and I didn't know why. So i just rolled over and let it play. 10 min later I realized I still heard music and figured out it was my alarm. haha god it was funny, probably had to be there.

But it was good to start my day off by doing something stupid that totally made me laugh.

Truths

I am going to be open and let people really in for a breif second. I don't know why I can always be open on the interent but shut people out in life. It's just some curse I was blessed with I guess. So here are some truths about me

1. I am deathly afraid of hospitals.
2. I can not handle death in an appropriate manner.
3. I honestly have 3 friends.
4. I miss my brother no matter how much I deny it.
5. I listen to Bon Jovi and like it.
6. I still sleep with a stuffed animal, I must or I can't sleep well.
7. I am brutaly honest and it backfires a lot.
8. I am scared of love.
9. I write people letters a lot, they just never recieve them.
10. I think about things to deeply and it bugs me.
11. I have a fear that the 3 people in my life will leave me at any minute.
12. I smile when I am sad.
13. If you catch me listening to Panic! At the Disco, please ask me what is wrong, I only listen to them if I am in a certain mood that needs to be talked about.
14. I put up a tough persona, but in reality I am weak.
15. I hate being tall.
16. I never feel like I am good enough for certain people.
17. I feel as if I dissapoint everyone that comes into my life wheather I really do or not.
18. I give really good advice, but never follow it myself.
19. I really really like WWII, I wanted to major in it when I was younger. Can you even major in it?
20. I talk to myself, a lot.
21. I tend to say things I don't mean because I never think before I speak.
22. 22 was Billy Alley's number, yes I watch Sprint Car races.
23. I lead people on too much and I am going to change that.
24. I used to be popular. I hated it. I was mean to people.
25. I don't like saying 'Sorry' it makes me feel even more weak then I already am.

Hmm that is all for now. I am on this truth and honesty kick, so I am sure more is to come.

CANCELLED

Today is going to be a day of blogs, I can feel it.

So I wake up right, the morning as I already stated came way to fast. So I drag my butt out of bed, wash my hair and make it curly. I don't even spend time putting on make-up, i found no use for it because they people in my class love me just the same. So anyway, I leave my house 4 minutes before class is to start, i hit all the green lights and arrive there at exactly 9:00 sharp. It usually never happens, I'm usually early or late never right on time. Well I get to the door of my class room and there is a sign on the door COMP 2 FOR MONDAY NOVEMBER 12 9-9:55 IS CANCELLED. Oh my god, you think I would be really happy about this seeing as I hate this class with more passion then anything. Well I was pissed, I had worked hard on my paper to get it done, I had woken up when all I really needed was sleep. Now I am sitting here with nothing to do until 11:15. I could go back to sleep, but once I am up for the day my body doesn't like me to take a break and sleep again. Damn.

The morning.

The morning came to quickly this morning. I am dreading going to Comp 2. I am dreading going to Math for Educators. I am dreading going to work for 4 hours in the pharmacy. I am dreading my 3 hour class tonight. I would much rather just curl up all day and sleep. I need sleep. I have lost so much of it lately. I also need to eat. I haven't felt quite like eating. I did eat some stuff yesterday, but nothing seems to appealing. According to my scale I have lost 5 pounds since Wednesday. That is not healthy, but when I get in these moods, food just doesn't seem appetizing. I am afraid I will make myself sick due to this mood I am in. Right now though, I don't think I care or that anyone would care.

Ashes and Wine

I can not for the life of me stop listening to this song. It just kind of explains my life and it won't get out of my head.


Ashes and Wine - A Fine Frenzy

Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tears
Don't they see?
That which show you, that which make you hurt like me

All the same
I don't want mudslinging games
It's such a shame
To let you walk away

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's spinning surface on a wheel
I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced intoxicating on her lips

Cut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may chance your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

I'll tear myself away
That is what you need
There is nothing left to say
But

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?
The day's still ashes and wine
Or are we ashes?

about previous blog:

so the previous blog i wrote out of complete rage, i had just talked to ali and i didn't know what to do. so i came to my trusty blogspot and just let it all out. but i talked to him later on, i got some of the truth, the real truth.

i know, i am such a hateful person sometimes. i can't help it. people made me this way.


it is verrrrry brutal, i am aware. i said some very mean things, some things that could cut ones heart forever probably and i am sorry.


this is just going to take me awhile to heal. but i will sooner or later.



sorry for the extremely hateful words. i am truely sorry.

The words, they mean nothing.

You're so full of lies. Have you ever told a truth in your life? I thought what we had meant something to you, but now I can see that it meant nothing. Nothing at all. You are such a piece of shit (sorry that was mean). For real. Everything you have told me these past two weeks, about wanting to start over, to fix things and that you were going to be honest was just a bunch of fucking lies.

Your exact words:
"Sarah I wish I knew what to say to you and I'd do anything to go back and not of done what I did, but I can't I'm sorry."
I replied with:
"Yeah it sucks. I gave you my heart and you broke it. I told you I can't trust people and you ruined it. You have to be honest"
You:
"I know. I'm going to be from now on and Sarah I love you and that blog hurt me a lot more then I've been hurt in a long time but I deserved it"
Me:
"Its what I really felt. If you want this to work you have to be honest."
You:
"I know"
Me:
"Will you be?"
You:
"Ya"
Me:
"Promise?"
You:
"Yes I promise"

You PROMISED. Do you realize what a promise is? Do you not realize how much you have seriously hurt me? I just can't get over how self obsorbed you are. All you think about is yourself.

You once told me that you are always the one to get fucked over in relationships. You were worried about me breaking you heart or hurting you when this whole damn time you have been hurting me. Not just me though, her too. You make her feel like she is the most special person in the world and the only one for you but its not true because you tell me the same thing. How can you live with yourself? You make her lie to me when you KNOW that we are friends now. Did you honestly think you could get away with everything you have said and done? That would be like getting away with murder, you have to be stupid to think you could do it.

I am the kind of girl that seriously lives with no regrets. I like to believe that everything happens for a reason and that no matter what I have chose to do or say, it will all be okay in the end. Except in this case. I do believe I will regret ever letting you into my life to cause as much pain as you have. I should have seen it coming, there was no way you could be as good as you seemed. There are no such things as perfect endings.

Long distant relationships, I don't believe in them now. There is no way in hell they can work out. How can they? One person is most likely to be completely honest and not do anything while the other is off doing what they feel like knowing they can get away with it because 300 miles is a long ways apart and the other person will never find out. I used to think that you were serious when you could make it to next summer but damn you couldn't even make it to the next weekend.

I'm just so glad I was another girl in your little game of lies. Another girl you can add to your long list of girls you have fucked over. Another girl you can forget about. Another girl whose heart you stole and will never fully give back.

So hard.

I wanted to see you again so bad, but not like this. It was so hard for me to see you like this, I wanted to break down and cry. The smile you gave me when you walked into the room was a true smile, but with so much sadness behind it. Those brown eyes that always have a sparkle were so dim and desolate. You covered it well, but I could tell. You were vulnerable probably for the first time in such an awful long time. For the first time you were the one in pain and people were there to help you and tell you things will be hard but they will also be okay. For the first time you were the one leaning on people for support and not being the one giving it. I wanted to help you so much, but I knew there was nothing I could do but give you a hug and tell you to keep your head and faith up. You have a lot of people that love you and you will all get through this, I know it.