No longer.

As we sat there, our faces lit by the glow of the fire we talked. We talked about the past, as usual. This time though, our past was right in front of our eyes. Others were living our past, only they were living it in the moment. It's the weirdest thing to see and feel this. Everything we once were two years ago, we are no longer. New people have come in and taken our places in the hearts of the people we once called our friends. We are no longer one of them. Their smiles no longer are directed our way, but to the way of these new found friends. Their hands no longer find their way up our arms or legs but the arms and legs of these new people. They are finally growing up, moving on, realizing its time. We are still young, if this is any sign, we have another 6 years before we grow up. The ones we thought would always be there are slowly fading into the horizon. Who will be left? Who will be there when we finally grow up? Its a scary thought.

Proud.

There are a few people I am very proud of at this moment.

One would be the boys of Modern Life Is War. I'm not saying this just because I have gotten close to them over the past three years, but because it is all true. MLIW was an amazing band. The lyrics Jeff wrote were not only heartfelt, but real. They were the kind of band that on the worst day, I would put into my stereo and know that everything was going to be okay in the end "the world doesn't hate you, dear, it just doesn't care" - those lyrics were/are powerful to me. They never played a show with less then 100%, ever. They never liked to let their fans down. There are not many bands out there that are like that anymore. They showed the world that Iowa is not just full of corn, they are the reason I am proud to be from this state. They have inspired so many people and will do so throughout the future. They may not be a band anymore, but I am very proud of them and the amazing things they accomplished in the past 6 years. I'm sure you will get sick of reading about these guys, but they really have a place in my heart and were a big part of my life. So deal with it.

The other person I am very proud of is my brother. Him and I have never been on the same page for anything through life. We have nothing in common. I don't say it enough, but I am so proud to be his sister. He is not only a genuinely nice person, but an amazing athlete. He throws shot and disc for Kentucky, therefore I see him about twice a year. This past weekend, he was in San Diego throwing at a meet and shattered his personal record. His throw not only won the meet, but qualified him for the Olympic Trials in Oregon and it is the 10th furthest throw in the world right now. Times like these, I wish I was closer to him. Telling him congrats about it just didn't seem enough. He deserves so much more then a congrats, but I'm afraid that is all I can offer. Maybe one day we will become closer. I however, will never lose the pride I have for that kid.

"Its like a funeral, get it?"

Who: Modern Life is War, Beat Strings, Old Scratch, William Elliot Whitmore, Desperation, and Quick Fix
What: Modern Life is War's final Show
When: April 26th, 2008
Where: Moose Lodge Marshalltown, Iowa
Why: Because they died.

640 young punks showed up for one of the greatest events in the history of Iowa music. Everyone was one. From the first strum of Breaking the Cycle, to breaking the stage 45 seconds into it, to the first strum of Breaking the Cycle once more to the very last word and guitar strum of Hair-Raising Accounts of a Restless Ghost. They were all there for the same purpose, to make sure their favorite band went out with the biggest bang a band could go out with. They succeeded. Never has the smell of sweat smelt so intriguing, so energizing, so amazing. This band has done so much for not only myself, but many others out there. They may have "died" as a band, but they will forever live in the hearts of the people who love them.

6/20/02 - 6/26/08

Honestly?

The same concept.
Pretty much the same words minus the going to college at Iowa to play baseball.
THE EXACT SAME THING.
Honestly, did he think I wouldn't read it?
Dumb, that must be what he is.
You do NOT use the exact same words you used for a girl a short six months ago.
Its funny how one can be sooo in love with someone, telling the girl she is the only one he ever wants to be with and that she is the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with one month and the next be in love with someone else.
Then when he is done "loving" her, go back to the first girl then go to a different girl once again.
Seriously though,
the exact same thing?
Come on.
At least change it up a bit.
My god, everything in the blog was said to me six months ago. SIX fucking months ago, that is only half a year.
How is any girl supposed to believe a word coming from your mouth and fingers?
These girls, including me are so blind by the sweet talking games.
Its ridiculous.
Thank god you posted your lovely blog about your new lover,
it FINALLY ripped the fucking cover from my eyes and I can see clearly now.
For the first time in 9 months, I can feel free.
Your burden will weigh me down no longer.

11:12

It is one minute past 11:11.
For the first time, I had no wish.
I starred at the clock for one whole minute racking my brain for just one wish.
Nothing came.

i dont care

i am totally sauced as shaun would say
its amzing.
i havent been this way forever.
im talking to tyler olsen and philip.
my two favorites in the whole wrld.
i cant consintrate and i have no idea what im saying.
i saw jimmy eat world tonight, it was amazing.
i cried during Hear you me due to the fact that it has so much meaning behind it.
tonight is perfect and i miss eveeryone.

One for the ex.

For the first time since the day I did it,
I have regretted it.
I am one to not regret things,but something set me off tonight and I cried.
I cried because I think I could have really liked you.
I think what I did was right, but it feels so wrong tonight.
We don't even talk anymore and that is the last thing I wanted.
I miss having you as a friend I could turn to.
I miss the stories of your oh so exciting life.
I miss the way our hands fit together like two pieces of a puzzle.
I miss the way you would keep me warm on cold nights.

Why am thinking all of these thoughts?
I'm sure you have moved on in your life and never think about me,
so I'm going to stop this nonsense.

---

I hate the initial feeling of losing respect for someone.

At last. Maybe. Doubt it.

I'm not sure why I am still standing here holding on.
I just need to let go, and let go completely.
I'm tired of getting hurt.
I'm tired of waiting.
If you wanted to be with me,
You would have done it by now.
You haven't though,
So I am burying the past.
The future with a you and me will be a friendship,
and only a friendship.

The question is...

"but who meets their love online?"

I was asked this question last night by someone.
I had to stop and think.
I thought I had once.
I still kind of think he is the one that will never be.
so some people in a way I guess.
so I answered with

"true"

if only he could have known the tone i said "true" in and the way my eyes looked.
then he would know who does.

Just a few rants.

So bear with me, I am going to be ranting about certain topics that just need to be ranted about.

1. Weather. It is April, usually in Iowa, April means green grass, sunny days, Flowers, blue skies and bunny rabbits hopping around. Instead we have freaking snow. Come on, spring break for most of us was three weeks ago. Spring break for most of us means spring, not winter. We are going to have fucking snow in June. It is ridiculous. This is why I want to live somewhere warm that either never sees snow or sees snow once every ten years. I don't really want anything more right now then warm weather.

2. Annoying show goers. I know I have written a huge rant about this before, but it is something that bugs me. People who go to shows to just say they have been and to meet "famous" people. They are just normal people doing what they love to do and making money for it. These type of people ruin the experience for us who are there for the actual music. I mean there are some people out there who know every name to every band member of every poppy catchy band on the planet. Now, its cool if you want to be obsessed over the music, but the band members, it just gets creepy there. Honestly, I know about one member out of my favorite band. I don't care what their names are or who they have dated or what shirt they wear for good luck. As long as they make noise that gets me through life, I am satisfied. Just remember kiddies: Music is a passion, not a fashion.

3. Obsessive girlfriends. Girls, really, you don't need to know your dudes password to myspace. You don't need to know everything little thing he is saying to other girls. If he is with you, there has got to be something between you two, so just chill. So he may email other girls, there is no harm in that. As long as he is not saying "lets fuck again because last night was awesome", it will be okay for him to talk to girls. Seriously, having friends is okay. It is how a lot of people get through life. Also, don't tell him who he can and can't hang out with, especially if they have been friends for years. Just don't. If you don't like the girls he hangs out with, get to know them, maybe they really aren't that bad. Not every girl is out to fuck your boyfriends. Trust me.

4. Time. This is something that not only makes me mad, but confuses the hell out of me. Have you ever just sat down and thought about time. Something you did a month ago can seem like years ago and something you did years ago seems like it happened yesterday. At times, I can't even remember what I had to eat for lunch but I can sure as hell remember specific details to a night from years before. Think about the past year, do you think it has flown by or gone slower then a turtle running a marathon? For me, a year has flown by yet I feel like I haven't accomplished anything because it has gone to fast to do so, yet I know I have accomplished so much.

5. Myspace. We are all addicted to it, there is no denying it. I'm not here to rant about what goes on on myspace, rather Tom. My god, I have never seen someone who is so incapable of keeping a site running smoothly for more then ten minutes. Every damn hour something is either under construction or there is an error. For real, I would like to get on the site for one day without a little update from Tom stating that something will be down for a bit while they try and fix it. When I first became a myspacer, there were never any problems. Now everything has to be so damn fancy with friend updates and whatever the hell else there is. Just stop, myspace doesn't need to be facebook. Just leave it alone Tom!!

6. Cops. Now, its not that I don't have respect for them because I do. I mean my uncle is one. There are some cops however who are just out there to piss off as many people as possible and be nit picky on every little thing. Example: Wednesday I was on the way to Brad's house to drop him off when I get pulled over. Now it wasn't for speeding because i was following a truck going 15 mph, it wasn't for not wearing a seat belt cause Brad and I both had them on. It was because my break light was out in the back. Now you think, well duh that's a good reason right? Yeah, well I get home and my break light has three different lights in it. Only ONE was out. it wasn't even the blinker light so you could tell I was turning and braking. For Christs sakes, go get the freaking idiots out there who sell drugs or rape people instead of pulling someone over for ONE break light bulb out.

7. Gas prices. Shit. Do I need to say more?

8. Chubby girls who wear tight clothes. Okay, now this may sound mean, but its just the truth. Don't buy clothes that don't fit you properly. No one, and I mean no one really wants to see your stomach peeking out from underneath that tiny tshirt that wouldn't even fit the four year old girl I babysit. Lets be honest with yourself. Do you really think it looks good and do you really feel comfortable when wearing it? I am skinny and I feel funny when I show just a bit of my stomach. I just don't get it. Chubby girls everywhere wear to small of shirts. Its quite sad because they could all be really pretty if they would just wear clothing items that cover things up.

9. Toothpaste. It has the grossest aftertaste in the entire world. It doesn't go away very fast either. It is supposed to make your breath smell good, but as bad as it tastes, sometimes I wonder.

10. Girls who want to grow up so fast. Girls like this are insane. They use words that most forty year olds don't know the meaning too and speak as if they are the most proper people to walk this earth. They tend to look down upon every idea someone their own age thinks is a good idea. I think I would give anything to go back to being sixteen years old. The teenage years fly by way to fast. I didn't want to grow up nor do I still. These girls, they will regret it. They will have to. They will look back on their teenage years and ask them selves why they wanted to grow up so fast. Being a kid and teenager is supposed to be fun, there is plenty of time to be grown up later on in life.