The words, they mean nothing.

You're so full of lies. Have you ever told a truth in your life? I thought what we had meant something to you, but now I can see that it meant nothing. Nothing at all. You are such a piece of shit (sorry that was mean). For real. Everything you have told me these past two weeks, about wanting to start over, to fix things and that you were going to be honest was just a bunch of fucking lies.

Your exact words:
"Sarah I wish I knew what to say to you and I'd do anything to go back and not of done what I did, but I can't I'm sorry."
I replied with:
"Yeah it sucks. I gave you my heart and you broke it. I told you I can't trust people and you ruined it. You have to be honest"
You:
"I know. I'm going to be from now on and Sarah I love you and that blog hurt me a lot more then I've been hurt in a long time but I deserved it"
Me:
"Its what I really felt. If you want this to work you have to be honest."
You:
"I know"
Me:
"Will you be?"
You:
"Ya"
Me:
"Promise?"
You:
"Yes I promise"

You PROMISED. Do you realize what a promise is? Do you not realize how much you have seriously hurt me? I just can't get over how self obsorbed you are. All you think about is yourself.

You once told me that you are always the one to get fucked over in relationships. You were worried about me breaking you heart or hurting you when this whole damn time you have been hurting me. Not just me though, her too. You make her feel like she is the most special person in the world and the only one for you but its not true because you tell me the same thing. How can you live with yourself? You make her lie to me when you KNOW that we are friends now. Did you honestly think you could get away with everything you have said and done? That would be like getting away with murder, you have to be stupid to think you could do it.

I am the kind of girl that seriously lives with no regrets. I like to believe that everything happens for a reason and that no matter what I have chose to do or say, it will all be okay in the end. Except in this case. I do believe I will regret ever letting you into my life to cause as much pain as you have. I should have seen it coming, there was no way you could be as good as you seemed. There are no such things as perfect endings.

Long distant relationships, I don't believe in them now. There is no way in hell they can work out. How can they? One person is most likely to be completely honest and not do anything while the other is off doing what they feel like knowing they can get away with it because 300 miles is a long ways apart and the other person will never find out. I used to think that you were serious when you could make it to next summer but damn you couldn't even make it to the next weekend.

I'm just so glad I was another girl in your little game of lies. Another girl you can add to your long list of girls you have fucked over. Another girl you can forget about. Another girl whose heart you stole and will never fully give back.

So hard.

I wanted to see you again so bad, but not like this. It was so hard for me to see you like this, I wanted to break down and cry. The smile you gave me when you walked into the room was a true smile, but with so much sadness behind it. Those brown eyes that always have a sparkle were so dim and desolate. You covered it well, but I could tell. You were vulnerable probably for the first time in such an awful long time. For the first time you were the one in pain and people were there to help you and tell you things will be hard but they will also be okay. For the first time you were the one leaning on people for support and not being the one giving it. I wanted to help you so much, but I knew there was nothing I could do but give you a hug and tell you to keep your head and faith up. You have a lot of people that love you and you will all get through this, I know it.

"Untitled"

I wish I could erase everything from my mind. All the suspicions I have, everything I have read, everything I dream about. I wish it would all just go away. I wish I could go back to that day in August. I was happy, you made me that way. If only you actually understood what I am feeling. She likes you, cool. Guess what, I think I love you. Does that mean nothing to you? I wish you would just open your eyes and see what is going on.

I'd just like to say

I genuinely hope he is happy.
I have been thinking about it lately,
all I want is for him to be happy and if he is,
then I am too.
Nothing ever came of us,
but what I got from our friendship I will charish forever.
Our friendship showed me something no one else has been able to show me.
So thank you.

Careful now.

Love. What a fragile word. I thought I found it once, but then I realized I lost it. Then I thought I had found it again, but it is slipping away from me too. Love. It is a word people use so loosely these days. This four letter word has so much meaning to it so much emotion attached to it. When people just throw it around it looses its meaning to some. It is starting to lose its meaning to me. So if you are going to tell me you love me, don't expect much in return, for I won't know if you mean it or if you are just saying it.

him vs you

he might.


you most likely wont.

The Urge.

I really want to go on a road trip.
like right now, this minute.
I could be in colorado by noon tomorrow.
hit up the west coast the go cross country to the east coast.
say fuck it to my life right now,
drop everything and go.
I think it would be perfect and be the answer to what I am looking for.
What am I looking for?
I'm not really sure, but I think I would find out.

you vs him

would you take me?
would you believe me if i told you that you were the best thing to happen to me?
would you hold me again?
would you promise to never let go and mean it?
would you put butterflies in my stomache again?
would you?


will he try to fix this?
will he admitt that he messed up?
will he ever hold me again?
will he ever put butterflies in stomache again?
will he tell me he loves me and mean it again?
will he?

thanks lizzie legend

A Picture in words:
its a bright sunny day. the sky is pure blue. clouds scatter the sky like sprinkles on a cake. a little pigtailed blonde haired girl in a bright sunflower yellow dress swings away on her backyard swing set. the grass beneath her is green as ever, it is the perfect summer day. her big blue eyes are squinting up at the summer sun as she reaches up high as she pumps her little legs. she has the biggest grin on her face. for she knows its summer, she is young and she is free.

Inspired by Becky.

When life throws you a curve what are you really supposed to do?
Go around it to hopefully find a better path that has no curve?
or
Are you just supposed to take the curve and pray you made the right choice?
I think I am safe to say none of us know the answer.
I'm pretty sure we have tried both ways and we always end up where we don't want to be.
So what are we supposed to do?
There are only two ways and neither of them ever work out.
Every problem has a solution, right?
I mean, that is what I have been told since day one.
But,
I am beginning to think that curves really have no right answer,
its just what you make of them.

Time to open those baby blues.

It's never going to work.
A girl can only hold onto hope for so long before she opens her eyes and sees whats really going on around her.
This girl, her eyes are halfway open.
She is still grasping for that last little glimpse of hope, but she can also see the reality.
The harsh reality that has been there all along but was covered up by beautifully painted dreams and colorful words inspired by only the best poets.
She will soon open those big blue eyes of hers compeltely to find nothing but a grey dismal world full of lies, theives and trash just waiting to suck her under.

Update.

I have not really written anything in a while for everything I write never satisfies me. So I will just do a quick update on what has been going on in my life within the past few weeks.

1. There were two boys involved in the stabbing. Went to school with both.
2. Went to The Good Life show. It was amazing and just what I needed.
3. Had strep throat.
4. Now have a killer cold that won't go away.
5. Have worked far to much.
6. Realized I have no social life. At all.
7. Complained, a lot.
8. Missed people.
9. Gotten mad.
10. Missed Barack Obama at the Y do to work.
11. Figured out I HATE working in a pharamcy.
12. Realized I want to go back to the camera department at Hy-Vee Drugstore.
13. Wished that I got to spend more time with people that I care about.
14. Got to see Sydney which made me truely happy.
15. Finally happy it is hoodie weather.
16. Can't wait for Halloween, though I have nothing planned.
17. Happy November is only a few weeks away.

Hmm thats about it. I hope I can back into writing again. This wall in my brain is driving me crazy and I just want it to be knocked down.

Boring little town.

Newton, Iowa. A town of 15.000 people. Home of the Iowa Speedway. Home of the first Maytag washer and dryer. 5 elementary schools, one middle school and a high school with less then 1000 kids in it. A town that people say is a safe and good place to grow up, a town that never has anything exciting happen...until this past Saturday.
So I woke up Saturday like any other normal Saturday, I decide to run to Wal Mart with my mom. On our way back, about four streets over from my house the street was blocked off wth just about every police car Newton has sitting in front of a house that had caution tape all around it. We had no clue what was going on, come to find out later there was a murder. A freaking MURDER, in Newton, now that if effed up. The police and Crime Scene Investigators were there till late Saturday night and gone by Sunday morning. The guy killed was 19 and stabbed 6 times in the back...why?...a drug deal gone wrong, thats why. How fucking stupid are people? The best part is, the guy they charged about an hour ago, did community service at the place I work at, I will feel REAL safe with every community service kid now let me tell you.
So Newton, a nice quiet little town perfect to grow up in because nothing exciting ever happens, just took a turn in the other direction.

Curse of the Madison children

Birthdays are really no fun anymore. They used to be filled with friends and family and fun. As I have gotten older, I have realized that I no longer look forward to my birthday. My birthday for the past couple of years have really been downers. I hate birthdays. I dread my 19th coming up in a few days.
My brother and I must have a curse. We both have sat at home our past two birthdays. His 21st, he sat at home due to a surgery he had, same with this year on his 22. He just sat at home because he really couldn't do much. Two birthdays sitting at home with his foot proped up. Not what i call a Happy Birthday. Me, on my 18th birthday, I went got a tattoo and came home and sat. Why? Because everyone that was supposed to hang out with me ditched me. So this weekend, I see the same thing happening. Oh wait, people are already ditching me and my birthday isn't even here yet. So its official, I hate birthdays.

I can see clearly now

we have been friends for 12 years.
he has been a boyfriend for 2 weeks.
i can definitely see where he is more important then me.

To Whom it May Concern

You should probably just forget about me completely. I mean you pretty much have already haven't you? It seems like it. I thought that you would want to hang out when you come home. I knew you would make new friends, but I didn't think you would be so busy that you wouldn't be able to spend one day with me. I should have seen this coming, but with me, I always have false hope. I hoped that things would stay the same, but now I see that is not true. So when it is convenient for you, please let me know and we can try this "friend" thing on your watch.



love,
your once best friend.

Sunday night delight

Tonight I was taken back to a place in time where I felt so alive. So at peace with everything, like nothing in the world could go wrong. I hadn't felt like this for over a year. It all felt so right. Everyone was there for the same reason and we were all one. I was with people with whom no matter how much they piss me off, I will always love. Their energy was like they were playing to 1000 kids when in reality they were playing to 60. Its a feeling that can make any gray day turn blue. I will be forever grateful for great live music and wonderful people that can do this to me.

He is so damn destructive.

I hate when a boy tells me he loves me and that i am the one for him but then goes and tells some other girl that he misses talking to them and it makes him sad that they havent talked for a day or two and wants her to call him so that they can talk. or he tells the girl that she didnt answer his phone call and now he is sad because talking to her is the best part of his day. Now, to me that doesn't make sense. Just pick a damn girl and stay true to your word. Dont go tell me i am the most beautiful girl in the world and turn around and tell some other girl the same thing. I have been fed lies for the past year and i am sick of it, i dont want it to happen again. i thought maybe you would be different, but i guess im just attracted to the boys who dont know what they want and love to lie to me.

You fall under this too.

Stories, lies and fake alibis.
That is all anyone is anymore.

pics of jamaica, grand cayman and cozumel