Nikki Sixx

What an intriguing man. I just watched a show on him. Definition of sex, drugs and rock and roll for sure. I NEED his book. Someone should probably buy it for me!

My fear came true.

Lauren and I were just talking the other night about how we really don't like sirens. Sirens are never good, they always mean bad things. I told someone I hoped I never have to dial 9-1-1 in my life because it would be so scary. Well... I had to dial and the sirens were in my driveway.

Dialing the numbers 9-1-1 is one of the scariest things I have ever had to do. I knew I needed to though. I went through something much more serious then this last summer with my dad, all those thoughts came flooding back when I saw him laying on the floor saying he blacked out and couldn't stand up. I thought it was going to happen all over, I thought I was going to almost loose him for the second time in less then a year. The big man up above is really looking out for him though. I just wish he would look out for him a little better.

After all of this, my brother sent me a text telling me how proud he was of me and that he loved me. For my brother to tell me he loved me meant a great deal to me. I know he cares and loves me and I with him. We just don't show it much. For him to say this...it really touched me.

Dream.

Lightening streaked across the black sky sending majestic colors of purple, blue, and white into the night. Thunder crashed all around and the rain poured as if the world was ending. There I stood all alone on a street that seemed familiar but could not be placed anywhere in my mind. The rain was running down my face as I tried to see through the rain with each lightening strike. Up ahead there was a stop light blinking red. Under the blinking light appeared a person. I could not see who it was. I called out to them with no response in return. I started to walk towards the blinking light jumping at every crash of thunder. I was soaked to the bone but didn't care. I had no idea where I was and just wanted to find out. As I got closer, I could tell the person was male. I called out to him again, he stood there completely still looking up at the lightening. I got about five feet away and he spoke saying something about the future and what is ahead, I could not hear him clearly due to the thunder and rain. I asked him to repeat himself, he started to turn to face me.

I then woke up, it was a weird dream. If dreams really do mean something, then I would love to know what the hell this dream means.

Will We?

The sound of your voice takes me back.
The way my name rolls off your tongue.
Why are things the way they are?
What could we have done differently?
Will we ever get another shot?
If we do, will we do it right?



Playlist:
Mozart's 9th Symphony - Mozart
1st Symphony - Beethoven
7th Symphony - Beethoven
-yes i am listening to symphonies, they are amazing-

May 18, 2008

Today marks one year since my graduation party.
Today marks the ninth year since my grandpa died.
Today marks the day Lauren graduates.
Today marks the day life will just begin for us all.

Grrrrrrrreat.

Damn, it happened.
I didn't want it too but it did.
I forgot how comfortable I am around him.
I don't WANT him, but this whole wanting to want someone thing is getting me.
And I want him.
Ugh, just another thing to add to my life.
I hope this feeling will be gone in a few days.



Playlist:
The Age of Consent - Neverending White Lights
From Blown Speakers - The New Pornographers
Ruby Soho - Rancid
Iowa City Adieu - Autumn Defense
No one's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
Bookshop Casanova - The Clientele
Ocean Spray - Manic Street Preachers

Lost.

I can't stand to even look at pictures anymore. They bring back a time in my life where I was happy. The smile on my face was not forced or fake. It was genuine. These days, I can't even remember what my real smile looks like. I have to turn to these pictures. The ones that scream fun, young and naive. Its funny how things change so quickly. If someone would have told me three years ago I would be where I am today, I would have laughed in their face. I would have told them they were crazy, my friends would never leave me and that I will live this amazing life forever. I wish I could go back and tell myself that life sucks, things will happen and you won't have the great life for long. I would have told myself to enjoy it and not take a single thing for granted. I would have told myself to not worry about the boys who would come into my life. That the "love" I would find, was really not love at all, or so I don't think it was. I can't do that though, I don't live in a fantasy movie world. So I'm stuck here, here in this life where I can't do anything but wish and reminisce. I can't move on because my heart simply won't let me, I can't look past the greys into the bright blues because my eyes won't let me. I can't think straight because my mind is to bogged down by the mistakes and loses in my life. I have become something I hoped would never happen to me. I have become lost.

I want.

Picnics.
Playing in the rain.
Playing baseball.
Traveling.
Walking on the beach.
Laying in the grass watching clouds roll by.
Counting stars.
Hide and Seek.
Catching fireflies.
Wrestling in the leaves.
Piggy-back rides.
Laughing till our sides hurt.
Dancing to no music.
Watching Titanic.
Board games.
Waiting until the times right.

all of these things and more,
if i could find HIM,
the one who would do all of this with no complaints.
I would be the happiest girl ever.
So if you're him and reading this,
please, introduce yourself.
lets get acquainted.
something magical could happen.

Fortune.

I opened a piece of chocolate and my fortune read:

Dare to love completely.


Hmm, maybe its telling me something.

Shorties got low.

Just when I thought people couldn't get more low then those two boys, I get surprised and find out its possible. People are really low. They never think about what their actions might do to people. It's ridiculous what people will do. Put other people ahead of yourself for once. Think about how they might feel before you go screwing people over. (literally and figuratively)

Love to hate and hate to love

Songs I love to hate and hate to love because of the meanings they have to me.

Thunder - Boys Like Girls
When you're gone - Avril Lavigne
Sit and Sink - The Graduate
Rock the Casbah - The Clash
Brightest - Copeland
Connect the Dots - The Spill Canvas
The Greatest Fall (of all time)- Matchbook Romance
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous - Good Charlotte
Cupid - Sam Cooke
Hey You - Aaron Carter
Boston - Augustana
Liar - Taking Back Sunday
Make damn Sure - Taking Back Sunday
California - Copeland
Don't Bore Us, Get to the Chorus - Emery
I Did it My Way - Frank Sinatra
Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World
Marshalltown - Modern Life is War

Could it be...

I can not write like I used to. Could it be because I have nothing to write for? Nothing to write about? Everything that once was is no longer. The words do not flow. Is it because the things that once intrigued me to write, are no longer in my life? Is it because I have given up? Is it because I see no use for it anymore? The thing that once got me through the day now almost hurts to do. Could it be because everything I write seems to have a double meaning? It is because everything I write hurts someone somehow? Is it because I'm scared you will never read it? Is it because I'm scared you will read it? Could it be any of these? Could it be all of these?

Voices

The voices gracing my stereo speakers lately have been

Modern Life Is War
William Elliott Whitmore
We The Kings
Yoav
Mates of State
The American Analog Set
Michael Tolcher

First Name Basis.

Something funny.
The name of my blog.
"First Name Basis"
I just remembered where I got the name from.
Thanks to jealous friends and knowing people they didn't.
haha only Lauren will know what I'm talking about, but who cares.
It's funny.