The Heroin Diaries.

Thank god. My mom and dad got me this amazing book for Christmas. I am so excited to finish it. So far I am on page 60 and I never want to touch a single drug in my life. This book is powerful and heartbreaking. This book amazing. I have always been fascinated with the life of Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee and now I get to almost be inside Nikki's head during the year of 1987. It is a must read. If you haven't read it, its worth the $20.00 to go get it. Trust me.

An Acquaitance Strikes a Chord.

I have not seem to let The Good Life leave my stereo speakers for the past three days. I have tried listening to Christmas music and others, yet I get upset because it's not The Good Life. I adore Tim's voice and lyrics. I love having The Good Life addiction. It makes me feel happy. It reminds me of their amazing show that Lauren and I went to. It reminds me of sitting on John and Angie's porch discussing Bright Eyes vs. The Good Life with Lauren, Jeff and Tim. It reminds me of getting random texts from Tim stating The Good Life is better then Bright Eyes any day. It reminds me of 2007, what a good year.

So Single.

I would have been saying it was two months today.
I would have been happy.
Instead, today I am burning bridges.
I am happy anyways.


Goodbye.

Lyrics of the Day.

"I can't think straight but I'm okay and I can't think of anybody else who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you so please give me a hint. So, please give me a lesson on how to steal, how to steal a heart as fast as you stole mine." - 6 months by Hey Monday.

"Its not like I'm a slut or that I really like to fuck I just want every boy I see to walk away with part of me until there's nothing left to hold until there's nothing left to hate I appreciate your help but even you cant save me from myself" - Japanese Gum by Her Space Holiday

"So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts? Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon, hows that thought for you? My scream got lost in a paper cup, I think there is a heaven where some screams have gone. I've got 25 bucks and a cracker, do you think its enough to get us there?" - Silent by Tori Amos

"I never stop feeling strange cause you would never know if you really change. You can never tell if you're center stage its thin as glass and never meant a thing. And you never feel good or bad only strange and unprepared cause you never see it coming." - Strange and Unprepared by Copeland.

"Holding onto dreams we collide. We had our future, our reasons, our fingers on the trigger. Well we based our joy on things we see we lose the trust in it all, the faith we believe. If you just trust in me..." - Truth & Reconciliation by This Providence

"No more phone calls. Don't tell me that you miss our times. Quit saying sorry cause sorry doesn't say enough. I admit it, I still think about those times when I was with you. So drown these memories until this bottle turns empty and I pray the feeling lasts. And then I run away from you where you can't hurt me any further." - Goodbye Friendship, Hello Heartache by Cinematic Sunrise

"When panic grips your body and your hearts a hummingbird raven thoughts blacken your mind till your breathing in reverse. And all your friends incentives mean well but make it worse. Every reassurance just magnifies the doubt that it find yourself a place to level out." - If The Breakman Turns My Way by Bright Eyes

"I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea always moving always hiding all the creatures from beneath. Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance to dance upon the ashes of my burnt up little plans. And I stand alone before the night my nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight. Life is long but so short. we are young we want more." - Who Needs Air by The Classic Crime

"Hes got his arm around her looking like an actress a gender driven heathen posing as a baptist subtle proposition where you fit them and your trackless. Baby you'll just get down to wearing out the mattress." - Beltloops by The Films

"Can you sleep as the sound hits your ears? One at a time. Unspoken balance here. A bridge for so many years that I should stare at receivers to receive her. Isn't fair. Don't worry I'll catch you. Don't worry I'll catch you. Don't ever worry. Your arms and mine...anytime. Wouldn't trade anything you're still my everything." - I'll Catch You by The Get Up Kids

To the one who will never read it.

You re leaving at the end of month and I will still not have my answers. I still had the slightest bit of hope that you would talk to me and we could possibly be friends, up until today. I realized that you are not man enough to talk to me. I realized you are not who I thought you were when I first fell for you. I had contemplated going against my morals and what I stood for when I was around you and now I am glad I didn't do what I thought I might. I would have regretted it fully.
I hate saying "it's too late", but I am afraid I have to say it about us. I don't know what happened to the boy I met and got to know, but I wish he would resurface, if only for one night. I wish he would come around to talk to me like he used to. Tell me things that I thought were true. Its pathetic really. It's like I long for that boy. The words, they were all so perfect. I suppose that should have been a warning sign for me to turn and leave. I believed them though. You made them sound so sincere. We got along, I miss that. I miss being able to talk to you and have you listen. I miss how when I stayed at your house and got the worst cold in history, I looked like hell washed over me and you still held me in your arms. I miss the way you and I would sit before Lit and criticize every person that walked by, we were both horrible and we both loved it. We could laugh together, it was real. I hadn't been that happy in a long time.
I'm scared again now. I am scared to let someone get close, I had broken that wall down with you and you made me put it back up. I'm afraid now. I am afraid to trust what anyone may say to me again. All the fears I once had that you made vanish are now back. I must start all over again. You made me want to believe in something I thought I never would. Now, I'm back to not believing.

I'm done now. I have so much more to say but its too personal to put on a blog spot. I know you won't read this, so I don't know what the point is. It feels good though. I don't want people to know any of this, yet I want them to know it all.

21.

I wrote a list last night.
It came out to 21 names.
The list is filled with people I feel the need to write a letter to.
These letters may be one sentence, they may be five pages.
Once they are all written, they will be burned, letting go of everything.
Or, hoping to let go of everything.
Are you on the list?
Possibly, but you will never find out.

And the award goes to...

If I had to give awards out to people, I would give these out. To be nice, I won't put the names of the people they go to. Some people would probably get more then one.

Award for Biggest Asshole.
Award for Runner up Biggest Asshole.
Award for Worst Boyfriend.
Award for Most Annoying Guy.
Award for Best Friend.
Award for Best Actor (in my life).
Award for Biggest Liar.
Award for Cheesiest Lines Used on Every girl.
Award for Best Guy Friend.
Award for Worst Guy Friend.
Award for Most Whipped.
Award for Dumbest friend.
Award for Awesome friend I never see.


mmm i will probably add more lata.

It's always fun.

I always get a kick out of seeing an old crush and having all those little girl feelings come back for a night. It makes me giggle thinking about it.




Listening Post:

Goodbye Friendship, Hello Heartache - Cinematic Sunrise
Sweet Valium High - Charlotte Sometimes
Headed for Heartbreak - Captin Kid
A Question for You - We Smoke Fags
Campus - Vampire Weekend
Earthquake - The Used
Why Does it Always Rain on Me? - Travis
Silent all These Years - Tori Amos