The Great Escape.

It is just around the corner. 48 hours from now and we will be on our way. Oh the freedom is calling my name and I will soon run to it with open arms.

23.

No, this is not about the Jimmy Eat World song.
It is officially September 15, 2008, that means my brother is now 23. In fifteen days I will 20. I am not liking this very much. Chase is so close to graduating college yet it seems like yesterday he graduated high school. In those mere fifteen days, I will no longer be able to call myself a teenager. I should be excited, 380 days until I am 21. But this big 2-0 thing is scaring me. I am grow up way too fast. The real world is hitting me with no mercy. I remember birthdays from when I was little. Chase and I would have parties together because our birthdays were so close. We would invite everyone to our house for cake and presents, lots of presents. These days, its a card and text message wishing a Happy Birthday due to the fact we are all grown up and living in different states. Man, what I would give to go back to birthdays of the past.



Thinking To:

Blessings Be Yours Mister V - Sounds of Animals Fighting
Whatever You Want - T.I.
Oscar the Grouch - The Cool Kids
West Coast Frienship - Owl City

Testing the strong ones.

Last night I:
Smiled.
Felt envy.
Laughed, a true laugh.
Felt jealousy.
Sang Copeland.
Had flashbacks.
Wished.
Worried.
Remembered why I loved them so much.

Sweet Sounds of Fall.

I haven't done a playlist lately
so here it is, its a little bit of new, old, even older, and super old.


5 Years Time - Noah and the Whale
Mr Rock & Roll - Amy MacDonald
Fireflies - Ron Pope
Brightest - Copeland
California - Copeland
Atrophy - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Santa Monica - Savage Garden
The Difference - Matchbook 20
I'm Leaving - Jessey McCartney
Alcohol & Bandages - JamisonParker
Dead on Arrival - Fall Out Boy

The L Word.

Today in class we talked about love. The types of love, the theories of love and expectations of love. My professor told us to think about someone we are in love with or once loved. I sat there and two people came to mind, one stuck out more then the other so I used him. As my professor was describing all three of these categories of love, I couldn't help but have my mind turn back time to when him and I were in each others lives with great force and what he meant to me. I listened as he spoke about how we act when we are in love and how we feel...hearts racing at the sound of their name, sweaty palms, a never ending smile. He then told the class to think of that one person we are in love with or were in love with. Did we fit somewhere into what he was saying? If so, then we had really found love. I smiled, yet it quickly faded because I don't have those feelings anymore. My professor then went on to ask the class if we were no longer with the one we loved, what happened? He left us to ponder that as he dismissed the class. During my whole next class, I tried to figure out what when wrong and why we lost in the game of love. I have yet to figure it out.

Could it be?

What once was, could be relived, if only for a night. Will it happen? Am I letting my hopes get to high? It could be around the corner. Flying back to the fall of '05 in the fall of '08. Only for one night, it would mean the world to us. We can only hope and pray it all follows through.

Six Kinds of Blue.

I can not for the life of me come to grips on what happened to all of us. It was a mere three years ago when we were inseparable. We would go nowhere without the rest of us. This time of year always brings back the memories. I can clearly remember details as if it happened three minutes ago. I was 16, about to turn 17. Lauren was 15, we were all young. So naive to think nothing would ruin the tight bond we all shared.
As I said, I can remember things clearly. I remember waking up an extra ten minutes early to go pick up Lauren, go to Casey's to get breakfast pizza. We would then drive around eating it while smoking and listening as The Spill Canvas filled my car. We would have the windows down as the cool, fall, morning air brushed our fingertips making them red. We would arrive to school smelling of smoke and not caring. Meeting up with Matt in the hallway before classes started planning what we would be doing that night. Meet at Mike's? Go to the Bridge? The Courts? The Church? Maytag park? It was different, yet the same every night. No one got tired of it, or each other. We were a group of seven or eight kids who had the same views on life and loved living it. My white Buick and Mike's big beat up blue van were our ways of transportation to and from shows every other weekend. Copeland blared from our stereos, we would all sing along with so much energy, almost as if we all knew this friendship was too good to be true.
It was just that, too good to be true. We started to grow apart. Girlfriends disrupted our tight knit group. A few of us matured. Some of us got into trouble. We separated, slowly at first, then it became inevitable, we were no longer best friends. The late nights doing illegal things stopped. Phone calls and text messages became sparse, dwindling down to nothing. What once was, was no longer.
Now, I am left to think about the memories, what was, what could have been,and what is.

Fun Facts in Numbers.

One day ago was a day of numbers.

Dad turned 52.
Filled my car for $45.
Drove over 60 miles.
Spent 1 hour in my car driving.
It was 1 year since I was on the cruise.
I got 2 questions wrong on a Marriage test (I'm ready for marriage I am told HA).
I had 4 quizzes.
I had 4 classes.
I sang in front of 9 people, 3 times.
I passed 5 Ohio plates coming home from school.
I passed 7 Illinois plates on the way to school.
I passed 6 Illinois plates coming home from school.
I sent 5 texts messages to Philip while driving home.
I sent 1 text message to Lauren while driving home.
I saw 2 Newton kids in Ankeney.
I made 2 phone calls.
I listened to Copeland's Beneath Medicine Tree 2 times.
I received 3 phone calls from some number I didn't know.
Watched 5 of Mitchell Davis' youtube videos.
Dropped my car keys 2 times while walking to my car.
aaand more importantly it was...
Exactly 3 years since I had made some amazing friends, who I no longer ever see.

Neat huh?

August 22, 2008

Oh the things people think up.
Today, I heard I was pregnant. Anyone in their right mind would know that is a rumor and the funniest thing in the world.

New Light.

It's weird, seeing people in a new light. People whom you think you know so well. They turn and surprise you. A new found light has shed upon a few people just within the past 72 hours. None of them have been good light. Their true colors are revealed. At times, it is almost scary to believe they are ones you cared so deeply for at one point in life. The monsters from within slowly creep out and find you just in time to attack before receding back. The ones you would have sworn by were great people with no bad in them, become people unbearable to even think about. Once again I am left in awe of how people can change in the blink of an eye. These strange new lights will again make me take second glances at the people who enter my life. Precautions will again resurface for awhile.

Lucky Number 8

Wow, I am so in awe right now. 8 gold medals in one Olympics. It's never been done and the world witnessed it tonight as the medley relay team came in first. It was almost heart stopping. I have never really been one to follow swimming, and this year it caught my attention. I was enthralled to see someone the age of my brother accomplish something so amazing. It makes me realize that dreams can come true if you set your mind to it. Michael Phelps is honestly an inspiration to many people in this generations and the ones to come. To an extent I am speechless, I wanted to write something really clever and inspiring, but I am too jittery to do so. Ha, I am sooo lame.

London.

I want to shop at the cutest boutiques. I want to buy the latest shirts and shoes in fashion. I want to sit at the quaintest little bistro having a glass of chardonnay while maybe even smoking a cigarette. I want to walk down the beautiful lit up streets at night. I want to go to The Eye and see it all. I want to walk the pavement some of the greatest punks have walked. Falling in love would be amazing too, but I won't ask for that much. I want to watch him make his dream come true. I want to witness history in the making. I want to do this all with great friends. Maybe, just maybe in 2012 I can.

Same routine.

It's really quite simple, the same routine has started. Lot of talking and smiles on my end. Its how it begins every time. I know what is coming and I know I should stop right now, but I am the weakest person one will ever meet and I will not for anything stop myself. Another let down is just around the corner. Neat.

History.

I'm kind of in love with the boy who made history tonight...





This moment was priceless.

Remember Me as a Time of Day

It's sights like these that make me want to never leave Iowa. The sunset that past couple of days have been breathtaking.

One year to the day.

August 7th, 2007. It was exactly one year ago today. We were sneaking around, going to des moines, kissing in the rain, and promising each other forever. It is all I can think about, the memories are flooding my mind and will not let me come up for air. I can only think of how he doesn't even know, and it hurts to think that. It was of the past though and it is time to just move on. I have been trying for the past seven months to just move on, but I believe this one year mark is really the start of just moving on. We promised each other we would make it to next summer, next summer is officially here as of today and we didn't make it. There is no use in hanging on still. He was the best thing to ever happen to me and the memories will stay with me forever, however, its of the past.

Half Alive.

I'm hiding behind this smile. It's quite the mask, you would never be able to tell. I haven't come out for awhile now. Every attempt I attempt just leaves me broken. I can't go on half living this life on my own. I am sick and tired of it. No, I'm not okay, so stop asking, it's not like anyone cares anyway. I am living half alive, I am so empty inside. Everyone is out enjoying their nights while I sit alone thinking and wondering. Every move I make takes so much effort. Half alive in this world full of lively people. I would give anything to feel alive, fully alive, just once again. Half alive, half broken. I would never think twice of letting any of you live half alive, if only you felt the same for me.

Wow.

It has been an interesting day.

Mom's birthday.
Sunny.
Warm.
Lightning.
Thunder.
Downpour.
No rain.
80 mph wind.
Sitting in a random parking lot.
Watching fuses spark.
Airplane flipping over from wind across the street from us.
LOTS of rain.
No rain.
Blue skies.
Grey skies.
Downpour.
Crying.
Pissed off.
Breaking up with Jon even though we aren't dating. (too long to write about)
Wondering.
More storms on the way.

Mhmm

I am happy because today i bought not one, not two, not three, not even four, but FIVE...



AAAANNNDDD I bought



who could not be happy with that many v-neck t's and bukowski? I mean seriously.

Pointless.

On a sad/pathetic note:
I kind of wish I had friends to hang out with.


On a happy note:
I got this today. My second favorite lyrical genius...Craig Owens graced the cover of AP.





aaaand I kind of wish I could meet him....sadly he can brighten my day...
Maybe its his pretty smile. haha.