Jumbled thoughts.

I realize I have pretty much lost everyone in my life. No one calls to see how I am. No one seems to care, if they do care, they have a funny way of showing it. The only constant people these days are my mom and brother, who would have thought my brother. He randomly texts me and for some reason, every time he does, it makes me smile because he tells me he loves me. My mom has finally come to realize how unhappy I am here. In our long talk this past week she asked if I wanted to go to UNI this fall instead of next, when I asked her why she asked that, she looked at me with tears forming and simply said, "because you are unhappy here and don't like it anymore." It is a strange feeling when someone so close to you realizes you aren't happy. It was saddening. She told me she would put me on a plane to go visit my great aunt in California, I told her to do so. She then told me she would send me to Houston, Texas to stay with LuAnn or send me to Kentucky to stay with my brother. If we had the money, I know she would do any one of those three because all she wants is for me to be happy. I am so grateful for her. We again today had a long talk about what I would do if I moved out to California. I used to think it was just a big dream that would never happen, now with everyday, I can see it getting closer. With everyday that passes, I sit at home with no one or with nothing to do, I can see my dream come true a day sooner. I may not have anyone out there either, but its a fresh start. No one will know me or have prior knowledge of my life. I will not know them, we will get to know each other and great things could happen. Now, many people may think I am just feeling sorry for myself. There is a point in every ones life where they realize they need to change something. I am at that point. I need change, I am not happy here. I have tried to put up with things here and act as if they don't affect me, but I can hide it no longer. It comes down to everyday, I lie to myself and say that "its okay", because if I don't I fear I will go insane. I must repeat this everyday just to get by. This is not meant to be suicidal either, it may come off that way in a sort, but lord no. I would rather but stuck here then do that. I am beginning to ramble, and I'm sure this jumbled mess makes no sense, and for that I am sorry. It is just words I needed to get off my chest.

Number 3

So I am sitting here thinking about people and my life. The number 3 seems to haunt me.

3 - number of blogs written today.
3 - number of Warped Tours I have attended.
3 - number of times I went to Gatlinburg, Tennessee for Spring break with Liz.
3 - number of years between my brother and I.
3 - number of months Jon and I dated.
3 - number of months since Jon and I broke up.
3 - number of years since I first became friends with Jeff and Tyler.
3 - number of years since I used to call Mike, Shane and Jeremy my best friends.
3 - number of girls that are my friends.
3 - number of months JD and I's summer thing lasted.
3 - number of pillows I sleep with.
3 - number of blankets on my bed.
3 - number of times I have seen Armor for Sleep (i think)
3 - number of Hanson, Good Charlotte and Backstreet Boy cds I own.
3 - number of converse I own.
3 - number of years I went without dating someone.
3 - number of plain white t's I own.
3 - number of years till I am GONE from this place. (hopefully sooner though. 3 months or even weeks would be nice)

I am sure there are many more things in my life that revolve around that damn number.

A fresh start.

Maybe we will make some progress and get somewhere tonight.
Starting over.
Maybe its what we need.



So I just realized I don't ever really write anymore. Its just like an online diary. I can't seem to write these days. Hopefully it comes back to me soon.

June 26, 2008

Getting out last night felt great. I was with people who made me smile. It was good to feel wanted again. I love being able to spend time with people like that. There were many great laughs shared, new friends made and many great stories told. Though it did not cure me of this rut I am in, it helped. I still am in dire need of leaving this place, but a few nights like last night will keep me kickin here for a bit longer I suppose.



Tunes I have been Jammin to:

Marshalltown - Modern Life Is War
Warwick Avenue - Duffy
Take A Walk on the Wild Side - Lou Reed
Hi Hater - Maino
See You Again - Miley Cyrus
Beat Goes On - Sonny and Cher
Heres to the Night - Eve 6
I saw the Sign - Ace of Base

Grrr

I really really really really need to get out of here. This little thing should not effect me, its a fucking song. But I can't help it. It was our song and I know for a fact its not directed towards me anymore. I need to get away from everyone and everything here. GOD I just want to scream! I want to punch something for being so dumb. I want to leave everything behind and never look back.

Branching out.

My mom and I talked tonight about how I am set that I am never going to find someone to get married to and have cute babies with. She told me my problem is I don't "branch out there". Well I am sorry but I have branched out from Newton to Pella and to Marshalltown to Ames, hell I even branched to freaking Illinois. If not branching out is my problem, then I need to obviously move out of the Midwest cause I have branched here and there is NOTHING.

The boys around these parts need to grow up and figure out what they are doing with their lives. They need to realized the world doesn't revolve around them and that things will not always be handed to them like they would like to think they will be. I want a boy who has morals, goals and lot of love to share. I want a boy who can be my best friend, not just a boyfriend, but a friend who in times of need will just hold me. I want a boy who doesn't always have to touch. I want a boy who reads books and has something to say about it after he is done reading it. I want a boy who listens to records and good music. I want a boy who doesn't just sit around and play video games. I want a boy who can see through peoples flaws and love them just the same. I want a boy who will dream bigger then me and maybe even possibly achieve the dream. I want a boy who is spontaneous and doesn't always have to make plans to do something. I want a boy who will just lay around and not say a word for hours but just listen to the words flowing from our speakers. I want a boy who can be straight up honest no matter how brutal it may turn out to be. I want a boy who can enjoy the little things in life. I want a boy who will listen to Hanson, NSYNC and Britney Spears with me. I want a boy who isn't afraid to dance around to music and laugh with me. I want a bad boy who has a sweet side.

Now, I know I want a lot in a boy. But honestly, whats so wrong with wanting specifics? When I branch out, I hope I find him.

Haha

Look what three years can do to people.
We all look so much older.


-2005-


-2008-

It's great, it really is.

Alive. It is what I have felt since last Wednesday. It is the greatest feeling in the world.
I've
Bought a shit ton of new music.
Got a make-over.
Danced in the rain.
Got stranded in Marshalltown.
Had a slumber party.
Ate waffles in bed.
Tried to watch Igby Goes Down.
Watched The Blair Witch Project.
Laid around all day.
Drove to Marshalltown twice in three days.
Went to a wedding.
Witnessed true love.
Saw Tom and Jill.
Danced till I was sweating a river.
Had a hissy fit...then got over it.
Sang to music I secretly love while dancing.
Danced diiiirty.
Had good hair days for three days.
Hung out with my Pella boys.
Ate Georges pizza.
Felt loved by old friends again.
Stayed out late.
Looked up at the pretty sky.
and
Smiled...a lot.

Man, I love this! I hope these good feelings continue.

Figured it out.

So the dream, Lauren figured it out. It happened though, I had the dream, then lived it and she finished it for me. It was almost as if she were watching the rest of my dream. A revelation I guess you could say. It's crazy, it really is. I'm not going to tell anyone who the mystery person was or what Lauren saw, just know Lauren helped me figured it out. It has been on my mind all day, dreams really do mean something.




I haven't done a playlist for awhile so here ya go!:

I love you and Buddha too - Mason Jennings
Chain Me Free - The Matches
Fox in the Garden - Paper Rival
Troubled Times - Your Vegas
Medicine Wheel - Aimee Mann
Your Birthday Present - The Good Life
Sweet Darlin' - She & Him

First to say goodbye, last one to regret it.

I hate how I still get butterflies when he smiles and winks at me.
I hate how I still long for his strong arms to wrap around me.
I hate how I still want that dream of following him on the road when he makes it big.
I hate how I still have all these feeling for these boys that I am not with or don't want to be with.
I want to blame everything on them, I want to say they single handily destroyed everything we were and everything we were to become.
I can't though because it takes two to tango.
But they were the first to say hello and the last to say goodbye.
I was the last to say hello and the first to give up and say goodbye.
Its like a movie we have seen a million times.
They are making new friends and getting by while I am sitting here remaining the same.
I am here regretting I ever gave up and said goodbye to any of them.
I guess the moral this time is you'll never get what you want if you say goodbye first.

The perfect little town destroyed.

Then it hit me, or bit me, or maybe it slapped me across the face. The perfect little town that I envied for various reasons is not as perfect as I thought it was. There are villains that live within its boundaries that ruin the perfect perception people have of the town. Being an outsider I always liked being there, a close knit group of friends that could hang out no matter what group they belonged to at school. They could all call each other in times of need and they could all hang out on a Friday night and get drunk or high or whatever it was they chose to do. I wanted that because my little town does not do this. When I went to their pretty little town, I felt welcome by everyone (except the girls). I wanted it so bad and I got a taste of it for about two and a half years. I loved it and wanted more of it. I couldn't get any more of it though. Boys became different, I broke up with their friend, she didn't have sex with him and the rest got girlfriends. Now, now I will never get it because of the drama that has been brought upon them by one person who needed to pour down like rain with his hateful words. All good things must come to an end right? Welp, here is the end for them.

A new me?

So I have decided that after my mouth is done healing I am going to start running. I have always wanted to start so I think I will. It will be like my new best friend. I have always envied the people who jog everyday, the ones who need it. I want that feeling. I hear its invigorating. Plus it will never leave me like people in my life do. I can listen to music and run, music never leaves me either, so it will work out great. Now, granted I did jog last week, and I did almost die, but that is okay. I have to start somewhere, ha. While others are out smoking their weed or drinking or doing whatever the ones who have been forgetting about me are doing, I will be running. Call me crazy, I don't care.

Sayings

These are some sayings that I really like because they have meanings or just make me smile.

-Its hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.

-When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.

-I'm outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk on porches.

-Passion is knowing what you want and not stopping till you get it.

-The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just starring into space - Marilyn Monroe

-I believe in love, lust, sex and romance. I don't want everything to add up to the perfect equation...i want mess and chaos. I want someone to go crazy out of his mind for me. I want to feel passion, heat and madness, I want it ALL.

-It's the hardest thing to know you had everything you wanted yet found a way to lose it all.

-Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to.

-Fake, it's the latest trend and everyone seems to be in style.

-From hotel floors to, myspace messages. To baseball fields to late night phone calls and endless text messaging, it has all gone by way to fast.

Could Craig be my inspiration?

Craig Owens wrote Baby You Wouldn't Last A Minute On The Creek at his breaking point. When he thought he should just give up on Chiodos and quit. Just when he thought nothing else could go wrong and when he thought nothing was going to get better. Things got better after he wrote the song though. The song and CD is amazing. Maybe, just maybe something amazing will come from these fingertips of mine like the words flowed from his pencil years ago. I can only hope, because as of right now I am at my breaking point, I just want to walk away from everyone and everything. I guess I will just keep writing. Like Bukowski is Craig's inspiration, maybe Craig will be mine.

Oh, its June already.

It is already June. Summer is well on its way. Yet nothing exciting has come about. I am sitting at home once more. I used to like being at home, having time to myself, but now I feel like I am going crazy some nights. I'm sure your thinking, go hang out with friends then. Thats the problem every single person in this town sucks. I do not want to surround myself with these people. I do have friends in other towns, but half the time none of us want to spend money on gas to visit each other. Fuck. I need a new life, but to do so I need a new town or even better a new state. That is nowhere in my near future, so I am screwed.