Jumbled thoughts.

I realize I have pretty much lost everyone in my life. No one calls to see how I am. No one seems to care, if they do care, they have a funny way of showing it. The only constant people these days are my mom and brother, who would have thought my brother. He randomly texts me and for some reason, every time he does, it makes me smile because he tells me he loves me. My mom has finally come to realize how unhappy I am here. In our long talk this past week she asked if I wanted to go to UNI this fall instead of next, when I asked her why she asked that, she looked at me with tears forming and simply said, "because you are unhappy here and don't like it anymore." It is a strange feeling when someone so close to you realizes you aren't happy. It was saddening. She told me she would put me on a plane to go visit my great aunt in California, I told her to do so. She then told me she would send me to Houston, Texas to stay with LuAnn or send me to Kentucky to stay with my brother. If we had the money, I know she would do any one of those three because all she wants is for me to be happy. I am so grateful for her. We again today had a long talk about what I would do if I moved out to California. I used to think it was just a big dream that would never happen, now with everyday, I can see it getting closer. With everyday that passes, I sit at home with no one or with nothing to do, I can see my dream come true a day sooner. I may not have anyone out there either, but its a fresh start. No one will know me or have prior knowledge of my life. I will not know them, we will get to know each other and great things could happen. Now, many people may think I am just feeling sorry for myself. There is a point in every ones life where they realize they need to change something. I am at that point. I need change, I am not happy here. I have tried to put up with things here and act as if they don't affect me, but I can hide it no longer. It comes down to everyday, I lie to myself and say that "its okay", because if I don't I fear I will go insane. I must repeat this everyday just to get by. This is not meant to be suicidal either, it may come off that way in a sort, but lord no. I would rather but stuck here then do that. I am beginning to ramble, and I'm sure this jumbled mess makes no sense, and for that I am sorry. It is just words I needed to get off my chest.