But what are they?

There is a reason why our moms brought us together.
There is a reason why we don't talk anymore.

There is a reason why I thought about you while in his arms.
There is a reason why you like hearing from me once every three months.

There is a reason why I still have a picture in my car.
There is a reason why you didn't delete a different album.

There is a reason why I know it won't go on forever.
There is a reason why you like me so much.

There is a reason why we are still stuck in this town.
There is a reason why we will be here another year.

There is a reason why I call you a close friend.
There is a reason why you and I don't hang out much.

There is a reason why I will always want to call you friend.
There is a reason why you are not allowed to talk or see me.

There is a reason why I left the group.
There is a reason why they didn't try to pull me back in.

There are so many reasons, yet I don't have the answer for a single one.

Fading into the past.

As I sit here, in my room, I can't help but to be reminded of my past. To my right there is a picture of me and kenzie. We are sitting at the state wrestling meet our junior year. We had such big smiles and bright eyes. We had some great times at state. This is the first year we didn't go for years. On the board next to that picture there is one of Lauren, Jeff, and I the first day we met. It was June 14 2005. Yes, I remember the date. We were all gross with sweat. Youth was covering our faces. Now, the three of us never hang out, let alone talk. The wall behind me holds the San Francisco poster I bought in 2003 when I visited there with my family. Five years have gone by and I am still determined to live there one day. To my left there are posters hanging. A Lydia one, I got it in 2006 when my old good friend Christina and I went to their show. An Underoath poster from Warped Tour 2006 holds dear memories of standing in a long line to meet them. A JamisonParker poster is next, three shows in one year, with great people whom I adored with all my heart. Lastly, a Modern Life Is War poster. Just the name of the band itself holds some of my dearest memories. I do wish them all well, seeing as we never get the time to catch up or put any effort into doing so. Sea shells decorate shelves reminding me of a great vacation with three 50 year olds and a 60 year old. Best vacation I have ever been on. On the floor there is a picture with the initials j and d sprawled in the sand. It yells at me, taunting me, wanting to be put where it can collect dust. I can't make myself do it though, too hard. A shot glass sits on the floor of my closet. It's Brookes, we used it my junior year after homecoming. Brooke and I got trashed while Jeremy and Shane took care of us. Everything in my room screams past memories at me. At times it makes me happy, at times it makes me want to scream right back asking what happened? Why are we no longer friends? Why must you haunt me every night? Why? Even every new memory I make will soon fade and become another long lost memory.

Ngi Ne Themba

I can't seem to write anything these days, its all so redundant. I hate it with a passion.
So I guess I will update all three maybe four of my readers of what is going on in my life.

-Jon and I have been dating for a month and a half. He is pretty great.
-School is stressfull.
-I either don't work enough or too much, its never just right.
-I have lost a lot of respect for one girl to whom I try to look out for just as an older sister would do.
-I got to chill with Kenzie today, it was nice, I don't see her as much as I would like too.
-I watched Jumper, Hayden is adorable.
-I have become obsessed with the song The Special Two by Missy Higgins
-I have started talking to JD more, its nice. I didn't completely lose him like I though I might.
-I had a random conversation with Oliver, the lead singer for Bring me the Horizon. He seems pretty chill. Maybe I will catch one of their shows sometime.
-I was sick for about 6 weeks and I am FINALLY starting to feel like my old self.
-I want all the snow to be gone. Its crampin my style.

hmm i think that is about it.

Sea of Doubts.

Is it wrong to compare every person I meet to him? I know it is not fair to them, or even to him. I can't help it. Once you have something great, you just compare everything else to it. I know that he is great, but he is not him (horrible writing but I don't care right now). Why do we do this? I do it with other things as well. I went on a cruise, now every other vacation seems dumb and not as exciting. Once we have something great in our lives, we seem to pick apart every little thing about everythig else just to find flaws. Things we don't like, things that turn us away. Why can we just not be happy with what we have. So what if the person or thing isn't exactly like what I had before? They or it can still be just as good. I wish I could get past this little "he is not you" thing I am going through.




so i know there are spelling mistakes, my spell check on here isn't working. sorry.





Playlist:

Remember to Feel Real - Armor for Sleep
Basement Ghost Singing - Armor For Sleep
Seven Years - Saosin
Finding Home - Saosin

The secret.

Not even twelve hours later and I am writing another one. I broke last night. After I posted, I saw something that made me realize it's really over. I couldn't hold back, the tears just came and wouldn't stop. I am not tough, I tried to be. I am weak though. People know that, and they take advantage of it. I wish all of this would just stop, leave me alone, get out of my life forever. Shit, I don't really mean that, don't leave forever, just a little bit. I really want you in my life somehow. UGH I'm going crazy.


"How is it fair to love someone who will never love you back? And who will always treat you like shit. I don't understand. But for some reason, it happens" - she put it best. It's not fair, life isn't fair. We can't help who we fall in love with or care greatly for.





Playlist for the crazy:

Pictures of You - The Cure
Kind of Perfect - Armor for Sleep
Brightest - Copeland
Open Water - Thrice
Yesterday Feelings - The Used

the last one.

haha, i wasted three months of my life on him. what was i thinking? i just couldn't see past those stupid games he played. "i love you sarah. i want to spend the rest of my life with you and only you, i hope you know that" hahaha it just makes me laugh now. was i really that stupid? how did i possibly believe for a second he meant what he was saying. there is a part of me that hopes he makes it pro in baseball, but there is also a part of me that hopes he fails. i hope he fails and is nothing. its horrible for me to say, but i want him to fail so i can laugh at him. make him go through pain of losing something that meant a great deal to him. buuuut i doubt that will happen. he will probably make it big, make millions of dollars for throwing a baseball, have three wives and six kids, yet still feel sorry for himself, cause that is just who he is or will be.


i am so sick of thinking and writing about him. i really hope this is my last post about him.

Just do it.

Listen to Thrice's The Alchemy Index Vol II Water. It is amazing. There are really no words to describe it, just listen. It kind of makes you feel at peace, like you are whole even if you aren't. This is the definition of good music.

Golden.

Lauren mentioned Fall Out Boy last night. I decided I would listen to them last night, and tonight. I forgot how much I absolutely love them. I put on of their c.d.s on and ended up playing three of the four albums all the way through. I stayed up until two in the morning listening to them. Honestly, I really like FOB. I don't care if they are "sell outs" they made me happy a few years back and listening to them still brings me joy. I never wanted to be one who stopped liking a band because people thought they were sell outs, but I did it. I did it with Fall Out Boy and now I feel bad. I never stopped liking the band. I will forever be a fan. I have seen them countless times and I would pay to see them again. So make fun of me if you please, I could care less.




Play list:

Hum Hallelujah - Fall Out Boy
Dead on Arrival - Fall Out Boy
About You Now - Sugababes
Coffee Shop - Landon Pigg
Cake Parade - Georgie James

Baseball Players.

Maybe its the uniform that attracted us.
We soon found out though,
They lie, cheat and steal.
Oh yes, they are good with their hands and eyes, but nothing else,
they like to move fast.
Always rounding bases without thinking.
They have their head in the game and do what they think is right.
They take that hit out into far left field to see just how far they can go.
Pushing every base until he is stopped, yet even then, he attempts to go on.
A simple single will not due.
Oh no, being the best on the team is what is needed.
Must show off.
Having the most home runs will make them great.
Maybe for that game it will make them great,
but at the end of the day, what do they have?
An empty field.
Empty bleachers.
Left over popcorn scattering the ground.
The feeling of greatness is gone because everyone has left.
No one cares anymore, the game is done and the players are left alone.




It's quite funny how people in my life seem to represent the game they play. They are so consumed by what they play, it starts to show up in real life. Funny, yet sad.

Research.

Tomorrow I am going to do some in depth research on a road trip Lauren and I are planning for the summer of '09. Im really excited. It is going to happen. I can't wait.

Another Perfect Day

So this song kind of got to me, big time.


Another Perfect Day by American Hi - Fi

I'm holding on, waiting for your call.
It's simple, but I can't explain this.
I'm sinking down; I feel like I could die.
I'm falling off; I don't know why.

I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day,
Another perfect day.
I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day,
Another perfect day.

So I might try to leave it all behind.
I know tomorrow's not so bright now.
I'll say goodbye 'cause nothing good can last.
You wear and fade; you're nowhere fast.
But today, I don't know how to keep it all inside,
But I guess I'll let it slide.

I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day,
Another perfect day.
I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day,
Another perfect day.

Today, I don't know why,
I thought that it was real,
But I guess it's no big deal.

I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day,
Another perfect day.
I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day,
Another perfect day.

I don't know how.
I don't know how.
I don't know how to let it slide.

Yeah.

Just a little update.

First full week of second semester is over. My classes seem kind of hard, so a lot of studying will be going down. If I focus I can do it. Hopefully.

I get to have the joy of being glared at in one of my classes. It makes me happy in a wierd way because its ridiculous how immature people can be.

I have been happy the past two weeks. Its a nice feeling, one that I haven't felt in a long time.

One Tree Hill has finally started again and I am excited to see what happens with all of the characters.

Gossip Girl is moving to Monday's that means no more Lauren and Sarah Gossip Girl nights because we tend to work on Monday nights. That makes me mad.



Playlist

The Art of Losing - American Hi-Fi
Rite of Spring - Angels & Airwaves
Fools & Luxury - Lydia
Dickhead - Kate Nash
Love me Like the World is Ending - Ben Lee

The tale of two.

Remembering the last time,
Hoping for a next time.
She will sit and hold her breath, knowing it's not enough to make him hers.
Nothing was ever enough to make him hers.
All the dreams they had were just the thoughts of two crazy teenagers who thought they could conquer the world.
One of them always had faith that those dreams could come true if they tried.
The other one of them knew it would never happen, but went along with it anyway.
They both loved each other.
The kind of love that happens immediately.
The kind of love that people always wonder what it would be like to have.
The kind of love that once people find out what its like, don't ever want it again.
They were the kind of people no one understood.
They were the kind of people who liked to take risks in things.
They were the kind of people who held false hope, but made it seem so real.
They were the kind of people who couldn't even believe what they were doing themselves.
They were...perfect.
Perfect for three months.
Perfect for each other.
Perfect for the good dreams at night.
They were so many things,
But what they are,
Is something tragic.
Something the movie writers would love.
Something no one likes to talk about.
Something that makes people cry.
Something...
That still haunts her at night.

The Way it Goes

I met him one week after school had been out.
I was fresh out of sophomore year.
I was a 16 years old with long blonde hair and pink highlights, big blue eyes and a bright smile.
I was young and had no clue how the world worked.
I was naive.
I had never been to a real show before.
His was my first.
I was with my cousin.
We wore some embarrassing tank tops,
but oh did we think we were the shit.
We took pictures "backstage" as it started to rain.
I thought I was in heaven.
It was an amazing night.
His music spoke to me.
He is 7 years older then me,
but his music really got me,
it was like he knew.
We became friends after that night.
He introduced me to Bukowski.
He opened my eyes to new music and
the appreciation of photography.
We would sit on his bed for hours on end just sitting.
Talking.
Laughing.
Nothing was ever awkward.
We just clicked on an emotional and intellectual level.
I loved it.
I went to many of his shows,
they were some of the greatest nights of my life.
I had some fun times with him and the others.
A year and a half went by,
things started to change.
We became more distant,
we didn't hang out or talk.
His music got him where he always wanted.
To the big time.
I was no longer someone who he wanted to communicate with.
I had become some little girl from back home.
Two years, 2 months and 10 days have passed and we are basically strangers.
So, here I sit,
Fresh out of high school about to start college
An 18 year old with short blonde hair with pink chunks, sad blue eyes and a dim smile
I will always wonder what happened.



--as i was looking through my drafts i found this. i never published it. i am not sure why. but it has been about 8 months since i wrote it. I saw him a few times over the summer. he is home, yet i haven't seem him since he got home. its weird. i can tell that the friendship is over. its quite sad due to the fact that he touched my life with not only his music, but his friendship as well. I could try to fix things, not that there is really anything to fix. i don't think it would do any good because its just the way it goes. all i can say is thanks for the memories and great times--

To this day.

Frank Sinatra makes me happy. I feel so full of joy when I listen to him. It takes me back to the days of when I was so young and grandpa would dance with me. He would twirl me around and I would giggle to no end. He would sing in his husky voice and smile that great big smile. I would cling close to him and inhale the scent of him, the scent that I can still smell from time to time.
To this day I wonder, I wonder if grandpa and I would still share dances to Frank. I think we would. I think we would more then ever. I believe with all my heart he would still twirl me around and I would giggle, then cling close to him to inhale that scent, the only scent that after 10 years is still in my nose. I believe with all my heart that we would sing out the songs Come Fly With Me and I Did It My Way with every ounce we had.
Yes, I do believe this.
Ah, good ole Frank and the memories he created and the dreams he causes.

No, I am not.

I am not sorry. I just realized this. I am not sure how many times I told you I was sorry, and for what? I always apologized for things you did to me. I am not sorry at all. You had your shot and you blew it. Do not for a second blame it on me. You moved on first. You went and got yourself a girlfriend. I waited, I waited for a long time. I wasn't about to waste my life waiting for you to get your shit together and figure out if you wanted to be with me or not. So, I moved on. I found someone who is willing to make a long distance relationship work. I found someone who can look past my imperfections. I found someone who makes me smile and laugh and feel wanted. I found someone who will be true, because like you, he got cheated on, but in his eyes I could see a sincerity that he wouldn't hurt me, I never saw that look in your eyes. You're eyes always held lies, the truth could never be found in them. So get mad, but at yourself. You held all the power for "us" and you didn't use it. It is not my fault at all. I will never, ever apologize to you again.

At last.

The fire was re lit last night. The joy in her laugh was back. That light in her eyes had never been brighter. Surrounding herself with people who cared. People who could see past her little imperfections. People who could make her laugh until she cried just by saying "BAM". The look in their eyes when they said it was great to see her. The smile on his face when they went out on the porch. The sincerity in their voices when they said to come back again soon.
She finaly felt alive, she let the past three months go just for one night and felt free. Free from all the heartache, pain and loss. She finally turned that page, and realized there is more in the world then what she tought. She couldn't be happier.

Past - Future

So here is my list of things to do in 2007
kind of failed at a lot of it, but oh well.


Graduate with honors - Completed

Get a better and more exciting job - Failed

Learn to trust people more - Failed terribly

Get an old friendship going again - Failed

Go to Warped Tour to keep the tradition going - Completed

Go to as many shows as possible - Completed

See Bright Eyes again - Failed due to mix up on dates

See Death Cab for Cutie - Failed

Make awesome memories - Completed with much happiness

Get another tattoo - Completed

Get more piercings - Failed

Read tons of good books - Failed

Try not to change cause i like who i am right now - Eh completed kind of

Try not to give a shit about what people think about me - Completed





List for 2008

Stay in the B range for college.

Change my lifestyle.

Find someone who likes me for me and who will wait for more then 3 months if necessary.

Go on a road trip.

Go to Warped Tour.

Read a lot.

Go to amazing shows.

Laugh, a lot.

Make memories that will stay with me forever.

Grow my hair long.

Stay fit.

Hold back no feelings, let everyone know what or how I feel about them.

Get more sleep.

Eat more healthy.

Save TONS of money.

Meet someone who will make a difference in my life.

Dance in the rain, under the stars and in the middle of the street.

Camp, a lot.

Just have fun!!


now lets see if I can complete more then half of these.
If I do, it will be the best year ever.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm not the girl you wished I was. I am sorry I do things you don't approve of. I'm sorry I can't put a smile on your face anymore. I'm sorry I don't live 300 miles closer. I wish you still loved me for who I am. I wish you would look past the wrongs that I make. I wish you knew how much I cared for you. I wish you knew how much you hurt me.

-

You'll will be why I will NEVER EVER fully let someone into my life.
Thanks.