Lyric of the month.

To all of my friends, where do I start. I know I would be dead without you in my heart. If theres one thing I've learned, its that we never feel the heat until we get burned. But we try so hard not to die, sometimes we forget to appreciate life. - Nick Thomas of The Spill Canvas - Appreciation and the Bomb

the "C" word scares me.

College started today. I cried. I realized that I am growing up way faster then I want to be. I can no longer say I am in high school. I used to think I was awesome when someone would ask me if I was in high school and i could respond with a "yes". When people ask me what grade i am in now, i have to respond by telling them i am in college, that scares me. i kind of wish i could have stayed in high school forever. i was comfortable there, i knew people and they knew me. it was like my pacifier when i was little, i needed it to make it through the day but hated it, and when it got taken away from me, i cried. i always laughed when people told me they missed high school and that it was the best four years of their life. well, my first day in college and i can already see that they were right.

The next big song.

Everything you ever told me was one big lie wasn't it? All those perfect things you said to me, you never meant them. You are just good with words, everything you ever said, I will probably be singing along to on your next record. The one the 'big' label and the rest of the world will love. I'm glad to know I was just a stand in when you needed someone and no one else was around. As the saying goes, "Shame on me if you fool me once, Shame on you if you fool me twice". I won't be fooled again, if there ever is an again.

The Way it Goes

I met him one week after school had been out.
I was fresh out of sophomore year.
I was a 16 years old with long blonde hair and pink highlights, big blue eyes and a bright smile.
I was young and had no clue how the world worked.
I was naive.
I had never been to a real show before.
His was my first.
I was with my cousin.
We wore some embarrassing tank tops,
but oh did we think we were the shit.
We took pictures "backstage" as it started to rain.
I thought I was in heaven.
It was an amazing night.
His music spoke to me.
He is 7 years older then me,
but his music really got me,
it was like he knew.
We became friends after that night.
He introduced me to Bukowski.
He opened my eyes to new music and
the appreciation of photography.
We would sit on his bed for hours on end just sitting.
Talking.
Laughing.
Nothing was ever awkward.
We just clicked on an emotional and intellectual level.
I loved it.
I went to many of his shows,
they were some of the greatest nights of my life.
I had some fun times with him and the others.
A year and a half went by,
things started to change.
We became more distant,
we didn't hang out or talk.
His music got him where he always wanted.
To the big time.
I was no longer someone who he wanted to communicate with.
I had become some little girl from back home.
Two years, 2 months and 10 days have passed and we are basically strangers.
So, here I sit,
Fresh out of high school about to start college
An 18 year old with short blonde hair with pink chunks, sad blue eyes and a dim smile
I will always wonder what happened.



--as i was looking through my drafts i found this. i never published it. i am not sure why. but it has been about 8 months since i wrote it. I saw him a few times over the summer. he is home, yet i haven't seem him since he got home. its weird. i can tell that the friendship is over. its quite sad due to the fact that he touched my life with not only his music, but his friendship as well. I could try to fix things, not that there is really anything to fix. i don't think it would do any good because its just the way it goes. all i can say is thanks for the memories and great times--

And it hits again.

The rain keeps coming. It wont stay away. Kind of like everything in my life right now. It just keeps coming, and when it comes, it pours. Then, when I think things are getting clear, it hits again with another downpour.

So it has rained everyday for like a week. Its getting to be ridiculous. There are floods all over the state. Power went out across town today. Kind of scary. Hopefully it will all pass soon.

okay.

so im glad no one ever reads this.
its like my security blanket.
i want people to stay away,
but i also want them to come.
shows how many people care.

----

i want to forget about you. but i cant. its impossible. you will always have a place in my heart. always. never forget that. you may slip out of my life but you are welcome back in at any time. i normally don't do that for people. once people are out of my life, i tend to not want them back in. but you, you are different. you will always be let back in. i have a weak spot for you. it has always been there and its never going away. please realize this.

You're There.

A single tear fell when I read your c.d. was going to be sold at Best Buy. Never thought this day would come. Congratulations.

Wrap Up.

Summer has come to a close. I technically have one more week left, but everyone else goes back to school tomorrow. How weird. It seems like just yesterday I was walking down the halls of Newton High School, now, I will never walk down them again. A new chapter in my life is about to start and I am looking forward to it.

So here is a wrap up of my summer:
-worked. a lot.
-saw some great bands at warped tour.
-found out the truth about some people who i thought i knew so well.
-had some great times with great people.
-analyzed my life.
-watched my dad almost die, but then be saved by an angel.
-my brother moved from Iowa all the way to Kentucky.
-i fell for someone again only to be hurt once more.
-met someone knew, who is pretty much awesome.
-realized that i can not wait to get out of this town.
-learned that i have one true friend, the rest are acquaintances.
-realized that I hate a certain boy because of how he treats every girl he ever talks to.
-missed old friends for no good reason.
-cried. a lot.
-sat at the Secret Shop with my favorite person
-watched the sunset many times
-went camping
-realized that i was/am/always will be in love with a boy i will never be with

thats about all. just a boring summer once again.

The Best Cry

Last night I had the best cry ever. It was a sad cry, but at the same time a happy one. It was very cleansing. I listened to Copeland and just cried. I started when I heard the first strum of the guitar string and didn't stop until the last strum was played and done. Within this time, I reflected. I reflected on my life from the past two and a half years until now. So many things have changed. So many things will always stay constant. People have come and gone and come again in my life. Some good, some bad. My heart has been broken, mended, broken again and now starting to get repaired once more. I have grown so much. I would like to think that I know the world a little better, but do we ever really know the world? It is constantly changing, but that is what makes life interesting...that is what gave me the best cry ever.

Same shit different day

I can feel you slipping out of my life once again. You have no clue how much I want you in it. I know I should talk to you but I am scared. All I can do is write on this pathetic blogspot because I have the worst time speaking my feelings straight to you. You are the only one that has ever made me truely really happy. I was always happy whenever I was with you. I miss getting woken up by your late night texts messages and not caring because I loved talking to you. I miss how you respeceted me and the way you would smile at me. I miss taking naps and being lazy with you. You pretty much run through my head a million times a day, if only I could tell you. I guess if you read this you will know, but if you don't, its just another lame post showing how scared I am.

Your Friends Are Gone.

I have come to realize that I have the tendency to loose friends faster then most people can spell Mississippi. I make the best friends ever, then they just leave. I am left to watch them go. I can't do anything about it either. One is gone because drugs sucked her too far under another is gone because of college. One is gone because he moved to the other side of the country, one is gone because of a girl. The list goes on forever. Sometimes I wish the word friend didn't exist. Acquaintances is a much better word. For that is all I have now. Acquaintances. For with aquaintances, you don't have to put your trust in them, you don't have to confide in them, you won't get hurt by them, for you will not seem them as often. The people I once called "friends" are that no longer. I see them maybe once a month if I am the luckiest girl in the world. One of my even so-called best friends doesn't seem to ever want to do things with me. The last time I checked best friends hang out more then four times in one summer. Her and I, we will soon become acquaintances, I can feel it. I guess I have and always will have one steady friend, thank god for her. Maybe its me. I mean I know I don't let people into my life that much, but it is because of things in the past that make me put up that wall. Does that mean that friends should leave and we should never talk again? I would like to think not, but I'm starting to think that is the case.

Bound to Happen

I listened to this song at least ten times in a row crying harder with each time. I don't know why, it just really got to me.



Bound to Happen - The Spill Canvas

I used to know you like the back of my hand
Until today you held your place
Now you're shifting like the sand
Your chest would heave with pride if I were spoken of
'Till tonight I never knew the difference between comfort and love

Although you're sleeping right next to me
Well, it feels like you are wide awake in a distant dream
leading a life that is finally free
of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into
who we hate to be

This is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing -
nothing will ever be the same

I used to hold you like it's all that I had
Now begins the falling out, we are like a passing fad
Your mouth would crack a smile if I were spoken of
'Till tonight you never thought
you'd lose this epic battle with love

Although you're sleeping right next to me
Well, it feels like you are wide awake in a distant dream
leading a life that is finally free
of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into
who we hate to be

And this is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing -
nothing will ever be the same

For what it's worth, I've always admired you
I always thought that we could make it through
Now look what time can do
It took our masterpiece we built and broke it in two
I always believed in you
I always loved you

And this is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing -
nothing will ever be the same