Make Love. Not War.

During dinner my mom and I had a conversation about how we wish we would have grown up in the sixties. Now, my mom did grow up then, but she was very young in the sixties. She wishes she would have been a bit older so she could have been a hippie. I told her I wish I would have grown up then as well. She told me I would have fit in perfectly with the hippies. We talked about how we would have worn ribbons and flowers in our hair, bell bottoms would have been our choice of jeans, we would have thrown up peace signs, protested war, danced freely and did drugs. My mom also decided I would have been Jane Fonda's best friend. We would have had boys who had long hair, wore sandals and were too high all the time to comprehend what was going on besides there was war that no one wanted. Then some how we talked about how we would be addicted to crack now because we moved on from weed. Haha, oh man, I love my mom!

Last Played.

One song from the last 25 artists played on my itunes:

I Get Money - 50 Cent
Punk Bitch - 3!Oh3
Get Well Cards - Conor Oberst
Thanks to You - Copeland
Action Figures - The Cool Kids
Last Train Home - Lost Prophets
Closing Time - Semisonic
Black Cloud - Converge
All Hail the Heart breaker - The Spill Canvas
Swing Life Away - Rise Against
One Blood - Terence Jay
Here Comes a Regular - The Replacements
Marshalltown - Modern Life is War
Unusual You - Britney Spears
Mind in the Gutter - Chris Crocker
Bigger Scars Make Better Stories - Search the City
Smooth Criminal - Alien Ant Farm
The Great Salt Lake - Band of Horses
She Loves me So - Anthony Green
Should I Stay or Should I Go - The Clash
Wake Up - Coheed & Cambria
When "You're" Around - Motion City Soundtrack
Story of a Girl - Nine Days
Pony (It's Okay) - Erin McCarley
Decode - Paramore

I already am.

I don't want to be the girl who:
-finds love last.
-is jealous of all her friends.
-can only get boys when drunk.
-stays at home every night.
-is scared to let anyone new into her life.
-the boys run to when the other girls figure out who they really are.
-always gets strung along.
-let the one person she loved get away.
-always wonders what if.
-dreams big and never really goes for it.
-people call at 4 a.m because she is the only one home.
-every girl hates because she is a "threat" to them.
-is too shy to talk to him.
-is dependent on others.
-returns to this place.
-makes mistakes and never learns from them.
-regrets things.
-lets amazing people walk out of her life.
-doesn't know where she is going.
I don't want to be the girl who is any of this.
I don't want to be the girl who already is all of this.

25 Random Things.

Everyone is doing it.

1. I still wish to go to M.U.D. cosmetology school in LA someday.
2. I can not write with blue ink pen, it freaks me out.
3. My handwriting changes constantly.
4. I will NOT respect your taste of music if you take All Time Low, The Maine or Forever the Sickest Kids seriously and believe they have true talent.
5. I am a sucker for accents.
6. I do not like hot drinks.
7. I always wear my two rings from Mexico, always.
8. I must sleep with my stuffed Arthur.
9. I don't think I have met who I will marry, but maybe I am wrong.
10. I could watch Levi Beamish and Mitchell Davis all day.
11. I own every season of One Tree Hill on dvd.
12. I adore Hanson, Conor Oberst and Copeland more then you can imagine.
13. Grand Cayman is my favorite vacation spot.
14. I'm always worried I'm forgetting something when I leave the house.
15. I love to drive on the interstate.
16. The radio is only played by me when I am showering.
17. Fall Out Boy is still one of my favorite bands.
18. I'm getting another tattoo soon.
19. It's possible for me to listen to the same song on repeat for hours and not get bored of it.
20. I own a lot of v-necks and MAC make-up.
21. I listen to classical music like Josh Groban and Sarah Brightman.
22. At one point in time I was obsessed with World War II.
23. I haven't visited my grandpa in over a year.
24. July 12, 2007 means a great deal to me in more ways then one.
25. My room is beach themed.

7 months = New home.

I always thought it would be so exciting to get an acceptance letter for a college. I always dreamt that I would be going with all of my friends to the same school. We would all get our letters on the same day, like they do in the TV shows, we would jump up and down with excitement as we all got accepted. It didn't happen that way though. I was alone when I got my mail and opened my letter, alone. I am alone going to the college i was accepted to because both of my best friends will not be attending my college or will be no where close to me.
Everyday it gets closer to graduation and I will be done with my Liberal Arts degree. Everyday it gets closer to the beginning of the 09-10 school year. Everyday it gets closer to the day of leaving this town, leaving my family and leaving my best friend who has never been away from my side for longer then 10 days.
I know I have written blog after blog about how I want to get out of this town. Now, don't get me wrong I do. I really really do. It is just kind of scary to know its actually going to happen in about 7 months. Like I said before, I always thought I would have someone with me. I will be on my own. I'm a big girl now though, I have to learn how to do things on my own. I just don't know how to.
I also realized I'm the first one of my group of friends to actually leave. Everyone talks about leaving but they never do. I suppose Mike left once, to Des Moines. That lasted about a month. I will be gone longer then a month, longer then two months. Sure, I will be back to visit, but I will be gone. My home will no longer be in my town, it will be in another town. When someone calls me, and I say "I'm at home" it will be an hour and a half away from them. It will be weird, scary, fun, exciting, and stressfull.
I'm rambling now.
Goodnight.

Honest.

I was just completely honest and now I want to cry.
Thats all, no details for anyone.

Apologize.

Ever just hit the "Next Blog" button at the top of blogspot? I did today. I must have gone through a good 50 some different blogs. Everyones blogs seemed to be filled with amazing stories and beautiful pictures covering many different topics. Even the blogs in other languages that I could not read, seemed to have some sort of amazingness to them that I wish I had on my blog. I sure hope no one ever happens upon my blog because they will be greatly disappointed. So for that I apologize. Maybe one day I will be like all of them and have amazing stories to write about and gorgeous pictures to go along with the stories.

Jealousy has its toll.

I just realized, I am a very jealous person. I have always known I have the tendency to be jealous once in awhile, but lately it has been all the time. I always seem to want what she has or what he has or what they have. Not in terms of what they have as in material things but other ways. When ever I start to think I have a grasp on what she or he or they have, it all fails and I am left to be jealous once more. I wish I could just stop being jealous of what they all have and just be happy with what I have, or don't have. It's stressing me out and I need to fix it. I don't know how though.

Things to ponder.

So I kind of took these topics out of my speech book, neat huh?

Teachers who stand out:
Mr. Kreie.
Ms. Starcevic.
Mrs. Burnett.
Tiffany Wilson.

Things I want to accomplish:
Graduate from UNI.
Teach.
Teach English in Africa.
Travel the U.S.
Travel the world.
Change someones life.
Love.
Live.
Learn.

Values I Cherish:
Honesty.
Loyalty.
Trust.
Respect.

The Life I Want to Lead:
An amazing one where people will look back and say that I made the best of what I had and never gave anything short of my all.

Interests I have:
Music.
Writing.
Fashion.
Make-up.
World War II.

Jobs I've had:
Receptionist at a chiropractor.
Mill Certs/Loading Truck Paper girl. haha.
Cashier.
Film Developer.
Building Supervisor.

Traveling I've Done:
California.
Texas.
Colorado.
Jamaica.
Grand Cayman.
Cozumel.
Tennessee.
Kentucky.
Missouri.
Minnesota.

Friendships I value:
Lauren.
Zach.
Kenzie.
JD.
Philip.
Jon.
Greg.
Brad.
Michael.
My mom.

Dream Jobs I want to Hold:
Fashion Designer.
Make-up artist.
Tour Manager.
Record Store Owner.
Teacher in Africa.
Founder of some sort of organization that raises money for children in need.

I have no witty title for this.

Our moms taught us as young children to be nice to everyone. Because of that, we have really big hearts for people we let into them. We are sick of it though. You, for example. We have held your hand and laid with you when you were down about your Oh-So-Shitty life. We have been there when you were ready for a heart to heart about what you want out of life. We have had those conversations with you that almost bring tears to our eyes because we see your real pain. Not the fake pain you sometimes put on for people. We have been there for the past 3 years, never failing as a friend. We told you we would always be there, and we have been. You needed us, we was there. Notice though, you have never rarely been there for us. All our conversations revolve around you. You have told us time and time again that you will always be there for us no matter what and that you are not going anywhere. I needed you once, she also needed you, you didn't answer our phone call or text. In fact, you never answer us anymore. Being there for someone means you physically have to be there. I'm sick of both of us being there for everyone and in return getting shut out of their lives completely .

A song that caught my ear.

The JV Allstars added me on myspace. Now, I had heard the name before and wasn't sure who they were so I took a listen. They kind of remind me of June or this other band I once saw play with June. I was getting ready to exit the page when this song started playing. I'm not sure why, but it made me listen. Maybe because it kind of fits my life right now. I don't know, but these are the lyrics.


The Abbey Road Theory

"Welcome to the best and worst of my hometown. As illustrated through dialogue and sound. Photos with captions you can't read aloud. A one sided conversation. Theres something warm about this home. Cold and comfortable just like the streets. I wouldn't trade away for anything. Cause here and now it won't be forever, here's to friends who will be there till the end. Its these nights, and these faces who keep me warm hold me grounded, touch my soul, keep me moving. Keep me moving. For every joyful night at 2 A.M. when the show was over and I was alone, for every patient person who's believed in me. Its one more step in desperation, I sing louder then I have before. Its theses nights, and these places that keep me warm, hold me grounded, touch my soul, keep me moving. Keep me moving. We are fragile like a glass, we are proud of who we are and what we have. Yeah in every single face is a healthy man. This is my home. These songs are sewn together seamlessly and lack all proper names to make you think this could be anyone including me...or is it just my imagination."

Dream to Reality.

I dreamt last night that I moved to L.A. I dreamt that I tried to get a hold of you and tell you that I was leaving. That I wouldn't be around anymore. You didn't answer my phone calls or reply to my text messages. I tried for many days in a row and got no response. I couldn't wait any longer and had to leave, I tried calling you once more as I sat in the airport waiting for my plane to sweep me away to a new life. Still, you didn't answer. I wanted to cry knowing I would probably never see you again because you chose to let me leave your life, again without pulling me back in. As I got settled into my new place in sunny L.A. with an old friend helping me unpack, my phone rings...your name is on the screen. I hesitate to answer it, but do just because I wanted to hear your voice. You ask me what I am doing. I tell you I am in my new place in L.A. You ask "California?" I say, "Yes, California." You pause and ask when I went there. Tears started to fall as I told you I moved out here two days earlier. You asked "Moved?" I said "Yes." I then went on to tell you I tried to get a hold of you for quite some time to tell you but no day was ever convenient enough for you to be my friend. There was silence on the other end while you tried to come up with some lame excuse about why you didn't answer my phone calls or why you didn't relpy to my text. You couldn't think of one because you knew I would know you were full of shit with whatever came out of your mouth. All you said was "I'm sorry." I laughed and said "Save it for someone who will believe that, because I don't. I gave too much of myself to you and recieved nothing in return. I love you to death and I always will. But it's time to let each other go, for good. Bye -------." I then hung up the phone with tears falling from my eyes.

I then woke up to realize I was really crying in my sleep.
Its sad, this dream...it will one day become reality and I am scared for that day. One day you will be too late on wanting to be my friend. I will be gone and we will have lost out on something that once was amazing that never got restored.

Sometimes...

This is what I do at work. I be a creeper while Alan rocks out on the drums and Brad takes photos. I love my job on days like this.

Lost Item.

I am sitting in my living room on the family computer. The only time I use this computer is to write papers for school. As I was looking through my folder of papers I have written in the past one popped out at me. It was one I wrote when I was 14, a freshman in high school. It was about my grandpa and every time I read it, it brings tears to my eyes.
I didn't edit it, I didn't fix anything on it, sorry if there are errors, deal with it.



Losing One of My Best Friends

Have you ever lost someone very close to you? They were so close you thought you might not ever be okay? Well that is how I felt. It was May 18th, 1999. I remember it like it was just yesterday. My grandpa had been sick for around 2 ½ years. I was just out of 2nd grade when I found out that my grandpa had esophagus cancer, cancer of the throat. It tore me up inside, even though I was only 8 or 8 ½ I knew that cancer usually meant death. I cried and cried, I was so sad, nervous, worried and every other word you could think of.
I can remember almost every memory I had with him while he was in the hospital, or when he was home for the short amount of time that he was. I was scared everyday that I went to visit him. I thought that he might die right there in front of my eyes. He was happy to see us every time that we came to see him. It helped boost my hopes that he might just get better. It also helped me not to be down and sad when I went to see him, because he was the one who was sick, and he was always happy.
Then when I was 10, May 18th, 1999, at 7:00am, Chase and I were eating breakfast when my dad came up in tears. I knew something was wrong but I could have never braced my self for what came next. He sat on the chair next to me and pulled me into his lap, and then he told us, grandpa had died around 6:00am that morning. At first I didn’t believe him. It just wouldn’t process through my mind that he had actually died. I cried until I got to school. I tried to act normal, but people could tell that something was wrong.
A few days later was his funeral. It was I think the hardest time in my whole life besides finding out that my brother was very sick. I cried through out the whole thing. I was angry, mad, sad, anything and everything. I kept asking myself, why the heck did it have to be my grandpa? Why not someone else? I think we all go through those feeling though, when you lose someone so close to you.
For the first week after my grandpa’s death, I was so mad at God, all the doctors, my parents, anyone that I could think of, I blamed for his death. I knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I had to let my anger out, so I blamed it on my family and friends. I would cry myself to sleep everyday after he died, just praying to God. I would pray to let my grandpa come back to life, and for me to see him again. My friends were very sympathetic towards me. They made me feel a little better, but all I really wanted was just to see my grandpa one more time.
People kept telling me that I was going to be alright. I really hated when people told me that. I wasn’t going to be okay, my grandpa died! Why can’t people just say, it’s going to be hard at first, but later you will feel better. I took it though; I would smile politely and say thank you, then turn and walk away.
I look back on those days and still cry. I still get mad wondering why him? I also look back on the wonderful 10 years that I did get to spend with him too though. I am quite fortunate in some cases though, my younger cousin Zach only got to spend less then 5 years with him.
The hardest times for me are the holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a birthday. No holiday or celebration is the same without grandpa. He was the joy, light, and tender heart in the room for all occasions.
I go on with my normal day, but almost not a day goes by that I don’t have at least one memory or thought of him come into my head. I know not to take advantage of being friends or family with someone because one day they will be gone, it could be tomorrow or 50 years from now, but I know to spend every second with them like it was my last. I know that one day I will see my grandpa again, hopefully not soon, but one day. That is the day that everything will be okay for me. I will be happy, excited, thrilled, and most of all I will be able to see my grandpa and smile at him knowing nothing can take us apart again. That is the day I will truly be happy!

Withdrawals.

I am having a withdrawal right now. A summer withdrawal that is. I have been sitting in my room burning incense, listing to Lily Allen, drinking Kool-Aid and eating chips and dip for the past hour and a half. All of these things are what I do in the summertime. This Midwest, Iowa weather is really taking a toll on me this year. I want to go somewhere nice where there is not a single hint of snow or below 65 degree weather. The two feet of snow outside my window brings me down just a little more every morning. Spring will not come fast enough. For now, I will just sit in my room and pretend it is summer.

Promise.

I made a promise last night. Although we were impaired, a part of me meant it to the fullest. No more blogs about someone. I will hold to that...for now at least.

The Script.

I had it all figured out. It was perfect. I knew exactly what I wanted and should say to you. Every little detail that would be a blow on your ego. They were like lines straight out of a movie. The words were itching with anticipation to be spoken but were guarded by my lips held tightly together. I could never say the words to you. I am not that kind of person. I have too big of a heart to hurt someone like you. No matter how badly you hurt me or anyone around you. I will just continue writing the movie script in my mind wishing I had the guts to use the lines. Maybe, hopefully, someone else is writing the same lines and will deliver them so I don't have to.

Nothing.

It is 11:28 in the morning. I have been sitting here trying to write something, anything for exactly 37 minutes. I have sat here and starred at the screen typing and erasing for 38 minutes now. Sitting here listening to Sarah Brightman sing from my speakers. I can not write anything for the life of me. It seems to all have escaped me. I need to go somewhere worth writing about. There is only so much you can write about when you're stuck in the same town for 20 years. After awhile no new experiences come around. That is what has happened here. Nothing new = Nothing to write about.
It is 11:31 and I still haven't wrote anything worth reading.
Maybe tomorrow.

The First Ones.

A list of the first 20 artists to grace my ears or speakers in 2009.


Copeland.
Armor for Sleep.
Brittany Spears.
Pretty Girls Make Graves.
Hanson.
Modern Life is War.
Gym Class Heroes (circa 2005).
The Bouncing Souls.
Motion City Soundtrack (circa 2003).
Motley Crue.
Owl City.
Tommy Lee.
Lou Reed.
Last Shadow Puppets.
Coheed & Cambria.
Robert Pattinson.
Pierre De Reeder.
John Mayer.
Explosions in the Sky.
The Good Life.

2009.

Hello :)