Lost Item.

I am sitting in my living room on the family computer. The only time I use this computer is to write papers for school. As I was looking through my folder of papers I have written in the past one popped out at me. It was one I wrote when I was 14, a freshman in high school. It was about my grandpa and every time I read it, it brings tears to my eyes.
I didn't edit it, I didn't fix anything on it, sorry if there are errors, deal with it.



Losing One of My Best Friends

Have you ever lost someone very close to you? They were so close you thought you might not ever be okay? Well that is how I felt. It was May 18th, 1999. I remember it like it was just yesterday. My grandpa had been sick for around 2 ½ years. I was just out of 2nd grade when I found out that my grandpa had esophagus cancer, cancer of the throat. It tore me up inside, even though I was only 8 or 8 ½ I knew that cancer usually meant death. I cried and cried, I was so sad, nervous, worried and every other word you could think of.
I can remember almost every memory I had with him while he was in the hospital, or when he was home for the short amount of time that he was. I was scared everyday that I went to visit him. I thought that he might die right there in front of my eyes. He was happy to see us every time that we came to see him. It helped boost my hopes that he might just get better. It also helped me not to be down and sad when I went to see him, because he was the one who was sick, and he was always happy.
Then when I was 10, May 18th, 1999, at 7:00am, Chase and I were eating breakfast when my dad came up in tears. I knew something was wrong but I could have never braced my self for what came next. He sat on the chair next to me and pulled me into his lap, and then he told us, grandpa had died around 6:00am that morning. At first I didn’t believe him. It just wouldn’t process through my mind that he had actually died. I cried until I got to school. I tried to act normal, but people could tell that something was wrong.
A few days later was his funeral. It was I think the hardest time in my whole life besides finding out that my brother was very sick. I cried through out the whole thing. I was angry, mad, sad, anything and everything. I kept asking myself, why the heck did it have to be my grandpa? Why not someone else? I think we all go through those feeling though, when you lose someone so close to you.
For the first week after my grandpa’s death, I was so mad at God, all the doctors, my parents, anyone that I could think of, I blamed for his death. I knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I had to let my anger out, so I blamed it on my family and friends. I would cry myself to sleep everyday after he died, just praying to God. I would pray to let my grandpa come back to life, and for me to see him again. My friends were very sympathetic towards me. They made me feel a little better, but all I really wanted was just to see my grandpa one more time.
People kept telling me that I was going to be alright. I really hated when people told me that. I wasn’t going to be okay, my grandpa died! Why can’t people just say, it’s going to be hard at first, but later you will feel better. I took it though; I would smile politely and say thank you, then turn and walk away.
I look back on those days and still cry. I still get mad wondering why him? I also look back on the wonderful 10 years that I did get to spend with him too though. I am quite fortunate in some cases though, my younger cousin Zach only got to spend less then 5 years with him.
The hardest times for me are the holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a birthday. No holiday or celebration is the same without grandpa. He was the joy, light, and tender heart in the room for all occasions.
I go on with my normal day, but almost not a day goes by that I don’t have at least one memory or thought of him come into my head. I know not to take advantage of being friends or family with someone because one day they will be gone, it could be tomorrow or 50 years from now, but I know to spend every second with them like it was my last. I know that one day I will see my grandpa again, hopefully not soon, but one day. That is the day that everything will be okay for me. I will be happy, excited, thrilled, and most of all I will be able to see my grandpa and smile at him knowing nothing can take us apart again. That is the day I will truly be happy!