Wow.

It has been an interesting day.

Mom's birthday.
Sunny.
Warm.
Lightning.
Thunder.
Downpour.
No rain.
80 mph wind.
Sitting in a random parking lot.
Watching fuses spark.
Airplane flipping over from wind across the street from us.
LOTS of rain.
No rain.
Blue skies.
Grey skies.
Downpour.
Crying.
Pissed off.
Breaking up with Jon even though we aren't dating. (too long to write about)
Wondering.
More storms on the way.

Mhmm

I am happy because today i bought not one, not two, not three, not even four, but FIVE...



AAAANNNDDD I bought



who could not be happy with that many v-neck t's and bukowski? I mean seriously.

Pointless.

On a sad/pathetic note:
I kind of wish I had friends to hang out with.


On a happy note:
I got this today. My second favorite lyrical genius...Craig Owens graced the cover of AP.





aaaand I kind of wish I could meet him....sadly he can brighten my day...
Maybe its his pretty smile. haha.

Goodbye...Hello.

Today I added another amazing person to the list of people who have left my life. As much as I want to be optimistic about keeping him in my life and going out there to visit him, I can't. Its impossible. I cried, and I mean really cried because he left. I didn't think it would effect me this much, but it has. I took our friendship for granted. I always thought there would be so many more times to hang. I didn't REALLY think he would move. I thought he would be just another Midwest kid with big dreams. Well, he is. Only he is the kid that makes his dreams reality. I cried because I didn't get to spend as much time with him as I wanted. His friendship was always there, it may have seemed to drift away at times, but it never truly went away. I cried because I am jealous. I am jealous because he is living his dreams and I'm nowhere close to mine. I cried because I suck at goodbyes or in this case, getting a goodbye text. I handled the in person goodbye just fine, probably because I thought it wasn't really happening.

I have come to realize I take my friendships for granted way to often. Every person I meet in life, I act as if they will be there forever. I should know by now that is not the case. From now on, I will not take a friendship for granted, I can't risk it. I can't stand loosing great people. I've had enough of it. Today showed me I need to change, and I will.




Rockin Out To:
One More Sad Song - All American Rejects
Checkmarks - The Academy Is...
Always Move Fast - Lydia
World is Full of Crashing Bores - Morrissey
A Day Late - Anberlin

I want to know...

I want to know my purpose in life. I want to know why I have met the people I have. I want to know if I will ever cross paths with the people who have left my life. Will they be of importance later on in life, or are they really gone for good? I want to know if the people in my life now will always be here. I want to know who I am going to marry. I want to know if I will have kids and a cute little family. I want to know if any of my dreams will come true. I want to know why people say what they say but mean something completely different. I want to know why people would rather lie then tell the truth right away. I want to know why no one seems to care about people like they used to. I want to know why best friends become acquaintances. I want to know why people have to ruin good music scenes. I want to know why people always need to be different when it just makes them all the same. I want to know why some people really love, while others don't. I want to know so many things. I want to know why in my darkest hours, no one was there. I want to know why God took my grandpa from me too soon. I want to know what makes people stop loving. I want to know why my brother and I weren't tight as children. I want to know why we are still in this war. I want to know what makes her better then me. I want to know why they haven't found a cure for cancer. I want to know how I got stuck with a shitty immune system disease to give me psoriasis. I want to know why we can go over seas to help people, yet won't help people in our own country. I want to know what I can do for people in our country as well as people in Darfur. I want to know what makes the sound of symphonies so intriguing.
I just...want to know.

One year ago.

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my dad's accident.
I still pray just about every day God didn't take him from us.

Today is exactly one year since the last time I smoked.
I remember it clearly, it was with Tim while sitting on the porch in Marshalltown.

Today a year ago I first met her, now I think I may never have to encounter her again.
I didn't like her, I pretended I did though. I was just jealous.

One year ago today, he got mad at me. Or maybe he was jealous. Not sure. Man, jealousy filled that night.

Simply put, a year ago my life changed dramatically. Faith was restored, my eyes were opened, and jealousy roared (only to be laughed at now).



Listening Station:

Let Your Spirit Soar - The Morning Of
Cut Your Hair - Pavement
Two Princes - Spin Doctors
Put Some Clothes On - Breathe Carolina
Monster - L7
Because The Night - 10.000 Maniacs

This Is For Keeps.

Last night I witnessed an amazing show. The Spill Canvas visited Iowa again after three years. This band has been my favorite band since I first heard them in 2004. I then fell in love with their live set in 2005 when Jeremy, Shane, Matt, Lauren and I all went to their show at The House of Bricks. They are the band that has pulled me through many times. Every lyric Nick Thomas writes and sings, has a message that touches me in one way or another. Listening to songs off of One Fell Swoop brought back so many memories, a tear or two formed throughout the show. The show also helped me with my life at this very moment. It made me feel alive. I know, its just a show, but it was just what I needed in my life right now. A band that means so much, to play live. It was the dose of medicine I had been longing for, for three weeks.

Jumbled thoughts.

I realize I have pretty much lost everyone in my life. No one calls to see how I am. No one seems to care, if they do care, they have a funny way of showing it. The only constant people these days are my mom and brother, who would have thought my brother. He randomly texts me and for some reason, every time he does, it makes me smile because he tells me he loves me. My mom has finally come to realize how unhappy I am here. In our long talk this past week she asked if I wanted to go to UNI this fall instead of next, when I asked her why she asked that, she looked at me with tears forming and simply said, "because you are unhappy here and don't like it anymore." It is a strange feeling when someone so close to you realizes you aren't happy. It was saddening. She told me she would put me on a plane to go visit my great aunt in California, I told her to do so. She then told me she would send me to Houston, Texas to stay with LuAnn or send me to Kentucky to stay with my brother. If we had the money, I know she would do any one of those three because all she wants is for me to be happy. I am so grateful for her. We again today had a long talk about what I would do if I moved out to California. I used to think it was just a big dream that would never happen, now with everyday, I can see it getting closer. With everyday that passes, I sit at home with no one or with nothing to do, I can see my dream come true a day sooner. I may not have anyone out there either, but its a fresh start. No one will know me or have prior knowledge of my life. I will not know them, we will get to know each other and great things could happen. Now, many people may think I am just feeling sorry for myself. There is a point in every ones life where they realize they need to change something. I am at that point. I need change, I am not happy here. I have tried to put up with things here and act as if they don't affect me, but I can hide it no longer. It comes down to everyday, I lie to myself and say that "its okay", because if I don't I fear I will go insane. I must repeat this everyday just to get by. This is not meant to be suicidal either, it may come off that way in a sort, but lord no. I would rather but stuck here then do that. I am beginning to ramble, and I'm sure this jumbled mess makes no sense, and for that I am sorry. It is just words I needed to get off my chest.

Number 3

So I am sitting here thinking about people and my life. The number 3 seems to haunt me.

3 - number of blogs written today.
3 - number of Warped Tours I have attended.
3 - number of times I went to Gatlinburg, Tennessee for Spring break with Liz.
3 - number of years between my brother and I.
3 - number of months Jon and I dated.
3 - number of months since Jon and I broke up.
3 - number of years since I first became friends with Jeff and Tyler.
3 - number of years since I used to call Mike, Shane and Jeremy my best friends.
3 - number of girls that are my friends.
3 - number of months JD and I's summer thing lasted.
3 - number of pillows I sleep with.
3 - number of blankets on my bed.
3 - number of times I have seen Armor for Sleep (i think)
3 - number of Hanson, Good Charlotte and Backstreet Boy cds I own.
3 - number of converse I own.
3 - number of years I went without dating someone.
3 - number of plain white t's I own.
3 - number of years till I am GONE from this place. (hopefully sooner though. 3 months or even weeks would be nice)

I am sure there are many more things in my life that revolve around that damn number.

A fresh start.

Maybe we will make some progress and get somewhere tonight.
Starting over.
Maybe its what we need.



So I just realized I don't ever really write anymore. Its just like an online diary. I can't seem to write these days. Hopefully it comes back to me soon.

June 26, 2008

Getting out last night felt great. I was with people who made me smile. It was good to feel wanted again. I love being able to spend time with people like that. There were many great laughs shared, new friends made and many great stories told. Though it did not cure me of this rut I am in, it helped. I still am in dire need of leaving this place, but a few nights like last night will keep me kickin here for a bit longer I suppose.



Tunes I have been Jammin to:

Marshalltown - Modern Life Is War
Warwick Avenue - Duffy
Take A Walk on the Wild Side - Lou Reed
Hi Hater - Maino
See You Again - Miley Cyrus
Beat Goes On - Sonny and Cher
Heres to the Night - Eve 6
I saw the Sign - Ace of Base

Grrr

I really really really really need to get out of here. This little thing should not effect me, its a fucking song. But I can't help it. It was our song and I know for a fact its not directed towards me anymore. I need to get away from everyone and everything here. GOD I just want to scream! I want to punch something for being so dumb. I want to leave everything behind and never look back.

Branching out.

My mom and I talked tonight about how I am set that I am never going to find someone to get married to and have cute babies with. She told me my problem is I don't "branch out there". Well I am sorry but I have branched out from Newton to Pella and to Marshalltown to Ames, hell I even branched to freaking Illinois. If not branching out is my problem, then I need to obviously move out of the Midwest cause I have branched here and there is NOTHING.

The boys around these parts need to grow up and figure out what they are doing with their lives. They need to realized the world doesn't revolve around them and that things will not always be handed to them like they would like to think they will be. I want a boy who has morals, goals and lot of love to share. I want a boy who can be my best friend, not just a boyfriend, but a friend who in times of need will just hold me. I want a boy who doesn't always have to touch. I want a boy who reads books and has something to say about it after he is done reading it. I want a boy who listens to records and good music. I want a boy who doesn't just sit around and play video games. I want a boy who can see through peoples flaws and love them just the same. I want a boy who will dream bigger then me and maybe even possibly achieve the dream. I want a boy who is spontaneous and doesn't always have to make plans to do something. I want a boy who will just lay around and not say a word for hours but just listen to the words flowing from our speakers. I want a boy who can be straight up honest no matter how brutal it may turn out to be. I want a boy who can enjoy the little things in life. I want a boy who will listen to Hanson, NSYNC and Britney Spears with me. I want a boy who isn't afraid to dance around to music and laugh with me. I want a bad boy who has a sweet side.

Now, I know I want a lot in a boy. But honestly, whats so wrong with wanting specifics? When I branch out, I hope I find him.

Haha

Look what three years can do to people.
We all look so much older.


-2005-


-2008-

It's great, it really is.

Alive. It is what I have felt since last Wednesday. It is the greatest feeling in the world.
I've
Bought a shit ton of new music.
Got a make-over.
Danced in the rain.
Got stranded in Marshalltown.
Had a slumber party.
Ate waffles in bed.
Tried to watch Igby Goes Down.
Watched The Blair Witch Project.
Laid around all day.
Drove to Marshalltown twice in three days.
Went to a wedding.
Witnessed true love.
Saw Tom and Jill.
Danced till I was sweating a river.
Had a hissy fit...then got over it.
Sang to music I secretly love while dancing.
Danced diiiirty.
Had good hair days for three days.
Hung out with my Pella boys.
Ate Georges pizza.
Felt loved by old friends again.
Stayed out late.
Looked up at the pretty sky.
and
Smiled...a lot.

Man, I love this! I hope these good feelings continue.

Figured it out.

So the dream, Lauren figured it out. It happened though, I had the dream, then lived it and she finished it for me. It was almost as if she were watching the rest of my dream. A revelation I guess you could say. It's crazy, it really is. I'm not going to tell anyone who the mystery person was or what Lauren saw, just know Lauren helped me figured it out. It has been on my mind all day, dreams really do mean something.




I haven't done a playlist for awhile so here ya go!:

I love you and Buddha too - Mason Jennings
Chain Me Free - The Matches
Fox in the Garden - Paper Rival
Troubled Times - Your Vegas
Medicine Wheel - Aimee Mann
Your Birthday Present - The Good Life
Sweet Darlin' - She & Him

First to say goodbye, last one to regret it.

I hate how I still get butterflies when he smiles and winks at me.
I hate how I still long for his strong arms to wrap around me.
I hate how I still want that dream of following him on the road when he makes it big.
I hate how I still have all these feeling for these boys that I am not with or don't want to be with.
I want to blame everything on them, I want to say they single handily destroyed everything we were and everything we were to become.
I can't though because it takes two to tango.
But they were the first to say hello and the last to say goodbye.
I was the last to say hello and the first to give up and say goodbye.
Its like a movie we have seen a million times.
They are making new friends and getting by while I am sitting here remaining the same.
I am here regretting I ever gave up and said goodbye to any of them.
I guess the moral this time is you'll never get what you want if you say goodbye first.

The perfect little town destroyed.

Then it hit me, or bit me, or maybe it slapped me across the face. The perfect little town that I envied for various reasons is not as perfect as I thought it was. There are villains that live within its boundaries that ruin the perfect perception people have of the town. Being an outsider I always liked being there, a close knit group of friends that could hang out no matter what group they belonged to at school. They could all call each other in times of need and they could all hang out on a Friday night and get drunk or high or whatever it was they chose to do. I wanted that because my little town does not do this. When I went to their pretty little town, I felt welcome by everyone (except the girls). I wanted it so bad and I got a taste of it for about two and a half years. I loved it and wanted more of it. I couldn't get any more of it though. Boys became different, I broke up with their friend, she didn't have sex with him and the rest got girlfriends. Now, now I will never get it because of the drama that has been brought upon them by one person who needed to pour down like rain with his hateful words. All good things must come to an end right? Welp, here is the end for them.

A new me?

So I have decided that after my mouth is done healing I am going to start running. I have always wanted to start so I think I will. It will be like my new best friend. I have always envied the people who jog everyday, the ones who need it. I want that feeling. I hear its invigorating. Plus it will never leave me like people in my life do. I can listen to music and run, music never leaves me either, so it will work out great. Now, granted I did jog last week, and I did almost die, but that is okay. I have to start somewhere, ha. While others are out smoking their weed or drinking or doing whatever the ones who have been forgetting about me are doing, I will be running. Call me crazy, I don't care.

Sayings

These are some sayings that I really like because they have meanings or just make me smile.

-Its hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.

-When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.

-I'm outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk on porches.

-Passion is knowing what you want and not stopping till you get it.

-The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just starring into space - Marilyn Monroe

-I believe in love, lust, sex and romance. I don't want everything to add up to the perfect equation...i want mess and chaos. I want someone to go crazy out of his mind for me. I want to feel passion, heat and madness, I want it ALL.

-It's the hardest thing to know you had everything you wanted yet found a way to lose it all.

-Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to.

-Fake, it's the latest trend and everyone seems to be in style.

-From hotel floors to, myspace messages. To baseball fields to late night phone calls and endless text messaging, it has all gone by way to fast.