Jumbled thoughts.

I realize I have pretty much lost everyone in my life. No one calls to see how I am. No one seems to care, if they do care, they have a funny way of showing it. The only constant people these days are my mom and brother, who would have thought my brother. He randomly texts me and for some reason, every time he does, it makes me smile because he tells me he loves me. My mom has finally come to realize how unhappy I am here. In our long talk this past week she asked if I wanted to go to UNI this fall instead of next, when I asked her why she asked that, she looked at me with tears forming and simply said, "because you are unhappy here and don't like it anymore." It is a strange feeling when someone so close to you realizes you aren't happy. It was saddening. She told me she would put me on a plane to go visit my great aunt in California, I told her to do so. She then told me she would send me to Houston, Texas to stay with LuAnn or send me to Kentucky to stay with my brother. If we had the money, I know she would do any one of those three because all she wants is for me to be happy. I am so grateful for her. We again today had a long talk about what I would do if I moved out to California. I used to think it was just a big dream that would never happen, now with everyday, I can see it getting closer. With everyday that passes, I sit at home with no one or with nothing to do, I can see my dream come true a day sooner. I may not have anyone out there either, but its a fresh start. No one will know me or have prior knowledge of my life. I will not know them, we will get to know each other and great things could happen. Now, many people may think I am just feeling sorry for myself. There is a point in every ones life where they realize they need to change something. I am at that point. I need change, I am not happy here. I have tried to put up with things here and act as if they don't affect me, but I can hide it no longer. It comes down to everyday, I lie to myself and say that "its okay", because if I don't I fear I will go insane. I must repeat this everyday just to get by. This is not meant to be suicidal either, it may come off that way in a sort, but lord no. I would rather but stuck here then do that. I am beginning to ramble, and I'm sure this jumbled mess makes no sense, and for that I am sorry. It is just words I needed to get off my chest.

Number 3

So I am sitting here thinking about people and my life. The number 3 seems to haunt me.

3 - number of blogs written today.
3 - number of Warped Tours I have attended.
3 - number of times I went to Gatlinburg, Tennessee for Spring break with Liz.
3 - number of years between my brother and I.
3 - number of months Jon and I dated.
3 - number of months since Jon and I broke up.
3 - number of years since I first became friends with Jeff and Tyler.
3 - number of years since I used to call Mike, Shane and Jeremy my best friends.
3 - number of girls that are my friends.
3 - number of months JD and I's summer thing lasted.
3 - number of pillows I sleep with.
3 - number of blankets on my bed.
3 - number of times I have seen Armor for Sleep (i think)
3 - number of Hanson, Good Charlotte and Backstreet Boy cds I own.
3 - number of converse I own.
3 - number of years I went without dating someone.
3 - number of plain white t's I own.
3 - number of years till I am GONE from this place. (hopefully sooner though. 3 months or even weeks would be nice)

I am sure there are many more things in my life that revolve around that damn number.

A fresh start.

Maybe we will make some progress and get somewhere tonight.
Starting over.
Maybe its what we need.



So I just realized I don't ever really write anymore. Its just like an online diary. I can't seem to write these days. Hopefully it comes back to me soon.

June 26, 2008

Getting out last night felt great. I was with people who made me smile. It was good to feel wanted again. I love being able to spend time with people like that. There were many great laughs shared, new friends made and many great stories told. Though it did not cure me of this rut I am in, it helped. I still am in dire need of leaving this place, but a few nights like last night will keep me kickin here for a bit longer I suppose.



Tunes I have been Jammin to:

Marshalltown - Modern Life Is War
Warwick Avenue - Duffy
Take A Walk on the Wild Side - Lou Reed
Hi Hater - Maino
See You Again - Miley Cyrus
Beat Goes On - Sonny and Cher
Heres to the Night - Eve 6
I saw the Sign - Ace of Base

Grrr

I really really really really need to get out of here. This little thing should not effect me, its a fucking song. But I can't help it. It was our song and I know for a fact its not directed towards me anymore. I need to get away from everyone and everything here. GOD I just want to scream! I want to punch something for being so dumb. I want to leave everything behind and never look back.

Branching out.

My mom and I talked tonight about how I am set that I am never going to find someone to get married to and have cute babies with. She told me my problem is I don't "branch out there". Well I am sorry but I have branched out from Newton to Pella and to Marshalltown to Ames, hell I even branched to freaking Illinois. If not branching out is my problem, then I need to obviously move out of the Midwest cause I have branched here and there is NOTHING.

The boys around these parts need to grow up and figure out what they are doing with their lives. They need to realized the world doesn't revolve around them and that things will not always be handed to them like they would like to think they will be. I want a boy who has morals, goals and lot of love to share. I want a boy who can be my best friend, not just a boyfriend, but a friend who in times of need will just hold me. I want a boy who doesn't always have to touch. I want a boy who reads books and has something to say about it after he is done reading it. I want a boy who listens to records and good music. I want a boy who doesn't just sit around and play video games. I want a boy who can see through peoples flaws and love them just the same. I want a boy who will dream bigger then me and maybe even possibly achieve the dream. I want a boy who is spontaneous and doesn't always have to make plans to do something. I want a boy who will just lay around and not say a word for hours but just listen to the words flowing from our speakers. I want a boy who can be straight up honest no matter how brutal it may turn out to be. I want a boy who can enjoy the little things in life. I want a boy who will listen to Hanson, NSYNC and Britney Spears with me. I want a boy who isn't afraid to dance around to music and laugh with me. I want a bad boy who has a sweet side.

Now, I know I want a lot in a boy. But honestly, whats so wrong with wanting specifics? When I branch out, I hope I find him.

Haha

Look what three years can do to people.
We all look so much older.


-2005-


-2008-

It's great, it really is.

Alive. It is what I have felt since last Wednesday. It is the greatest feeling in the world.
I've
Bought a shit ton of new music.
Got a make-over.
Danced in the rain.
Got stranded in Marshalltown.
Had a slumber party.
Ate waffles in bed.
Tried to watch Igby Goes Down.
Watched The Blair Witch Project.
Laid around all day.
Drove to Marshalltown twice in three days.
Went to a wedding.
Witnessed true love.
Saw Tom and Jill.
Danced till I was sweating a river.
Had a hissy fit...then got over it.
Sang to music I secretly love while dancing.
Danced diiiirty.
Had good hair days for three days.
Hung out with my Pella boys.
Ate Georges pizza.
Felt loved by old friends again.
Stayed out late.
Looked up at the pretty sky.
and
Smiled...a lot.

Man, I love this! I hope these good feelings continue.

Figured it out.

So the dream, Lauren figured it out. It happened though, I had the dream, then lived it and she finished it for me. It was almost as if she were watching the rest of my dream. A revelation I guess you could say. It's crazy, it really is. I'm not going to tell anyone who the mystery person was or what Lauren saw, just know Lauren helped me figured it out. It has been on my mind all day, dreams really do mean something.




I haven't done a playlist for awhile so here ya go!:

I love you and Buddha too - Mason Jennings
Chain Me Free - The Matches
Fox in the Garden - Paper Rival
Troubled Times - Your Vegas
Medicine Wheel - Aimee Mann
Your Birthday Present - The Good Life
Sweet Darlin' - She & Him

First to say goodbye, last one to regret it.

I hate how I still get butterflies when he smiles and winks at me.
I hate how I still long for his strong arms to wrap around me.
I hate how I still want that dream of following him on the road when he makes it big.
I hate how I still have all these feeling for these boys that I am not with or don't want to be with.
I want to blame everything on them, I want to say they single handily destroyed everything we were and everything we were to become.
I can't though because it takes two to tango.
But they were the first to say hello and the last to say goodbye.
I was the last to say hello and the first to give up and say goodbye.
Its like a movie we have seen a million times.
They are making new friends and getting by while I am sitting here remaining the same.
I am here regretting I ever gave up and said goodbye to any of them.
I guess the moral this time is you'll never get what you want if you say goodbye first.

The perfect little town destroyed.

Then it hit me, or bit me, or maybe it slapped me across the face. The perfect little town that I envied for various reasons is not as perfect as I thought it was. There are villains that live within its boundaries that ruin the perfect perception people have of the town. Being an outsider I always liked being there, a close knit group of friends that could hang out no matter what group they belonged to at school. They could all call each other in times of need and they could all hang out on a Friday night and get drunk or high or whatever it was they chose to do. I wanted that because my little town does not do this. When I went to their pretty little town, I felt welcome by everyone (except the girls). I wanted it so bad and I got a taste of it for about two and a half years. I loved it and wanted more of it. I couldn't get any more of it though. Boys became different, I broke up with their friend, she didn't have sex with him and the rest got girlfriends. Now, now I will never get it because of the drama that has been brought upon them by one person who needed to pour down like rain with his hateful words. All good things must come to an end right? Welp, here is the end for them.

A new me?

So I have decided that after my mouth is done healing I am going to start running. I have always wanted to start so I think I will. It will be like my new best friend. I have always envied the people who jog everyday, the ones who need it. I want that feeling. I hear its invigorating. Plus it will never leave me like people in my life do. I can listen to music and run, music never leaves me either, so it will work out great. Now, granted I did jog last week, and I did almost die, but that is okay. I have to start somewhere, ha. While others are out smoking their weed or drinking or doing whatever the ones who have been forgetting about me are doing, I will be running. Call me crazy, I don't care.

Sayings

These are some sayings that I really like because they have meanings or just make me smile.

-Its hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.

-When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.

-I'm outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk on porches.

-Passion is knowing what you want and not stopping till you get it.

-The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just starring into space - Marilyn Monroe

-I believe in love, lust, sex and romance. I don't want everything to add up to the perfect equation...i want mess and chaos. I want someone to go crazy out of his mind for me. I want to feel passion, heat and madness, I want it ALL.

-It's the hardest thing to know you had everything you wanted yet found a way to lose it all.

-Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to.

-Fake, it's the latest trend and everyone seems to be in style.

-From hotel floors to, myspace messages. To baseball fields to late night phone calls and endless text messaging, it has all gone by way to fast.

Could Craig be my inspiration?

Craig Owens wrote Baby You Wouldn't Last A Minute On The Creek at his breaking point. When he thought he should just give up on Chiodos and quit. Just when he thought nothing else could go wrong and when he thought nothing was going to get better. Things got better after he wrote the song though. The song and CD is amazing. Maybe, just maybe something amazing will come from these fingertips of mine like the words flowed from his pencil years ago. I can only hope, because as of right now I am at my breaking point, I just want to walk away from everyone and everything. I guess I will just keep writing. Like Bukowski is Craig's inspiration, maybe Craig will be mine.

Oh, its June already.

It is already June. Summer is well on its way. Yet nothing exciting has come about. I am sitting at home once more. I used to like being at home, having time to myself, but now I feel like I am going crazy some nights. I'm sure your thinking, go hang out with friends then. Thats the problem every single person in this town sucks. I do not want to surround myself with these people. I do have friends in other towns, but half the time none of us want to spend money on gas to visit each other. Fuck. I need a new life, but to do so I need a new town or even better a new state. That is nowhere in my near future, so I am screwed.

Nikki Sixx

What an intriguing man. I just watched a show on him. Definition of sex, drugs and rock and roll for sure. I NEED his book. Someone should probably buy it for me!

My fear came true.

Lauren and I were just talking the other night about how we really don't like sirens. Sirens are never good, they always mean bad things. I told someone I hoped I never have to dial 9-1-1 in my life because it would be so scary. Well... I had to dial and the sirens were in my driveway.

Dialing the numbers 9-1-1 is one of the scariest things I have ever had to do. I knew I needed to though. I went through something much more serious then this last summer with my dad, all those thoughts came flooding back when I saw him laying on the floor saying he blacked out and couldn't stand up. I thought it was going to happen all over, I thought I was going to almost loose him for the second time in less then a year. The big man up above is really looking out for him though. I just wish he would look out for him a little better.

After all of this, my brother sent me a text telling me how proud he was of me and that he loved me. For my brother to tell me he loved me meant a great deal to me. I know he cares and loves me and I with him. We just don't show it much. For him to say this...it really touched me.

Dream.

Lightening streaked across the black sky sending majestic colors of purple, blue, and white into the night. Thunder crashed all around and the rain poured as if the world was ending. There I stood all alone on a street that seemed familiar but could not be placed anywhere in my mind. The rain was running down my face as I tried to see through the rain with each lightening strike. Up ahead there was a stop light blinking red. Under the blinking light appeared a person. I could not see who it was. I called out to them with no response in return. I started to walk towards the blinking light jumping at every crash of thunder. I was soaked to the bone but didn't care. I had no idea where I was and just wanted to find out. As I got closer, I could tell the person was male. I called out to him again, he stood there completely still looking up at the lightening. I got about five feet away and he spoke saying something about the future and what is ahead, I could not hear him clearly due to the thunder and rain. I asked him to repeat himself, he started to turn to face me.

I then woke up, it was a weird dream. If dreams really do mean something, then I would love to know what the hell this dream means.

Will We?

The sound of your voice takes me back.
The way my name rolls off your tongue.
Why are things the way they are?
What could we have done differently?
Will we ever get another shot?
If we do, will we do it right?



Playlist:
Mozart's 9th Symphony - Mozart
1st Symphony - Beethoven
7th Symphony - Beethoven
-yes i am listening to symphonies, they are amazing-

May 18, 2008

Today marks one year since my graduation party.
Today marks the ninth year since my grandpa died.
Today marks the day Lauren graduates.
Today marks the day life will just begin for us all.

Grrrrrrrreat.

Damn, it happened.
I didn't want it too but it did.
I forgot how comfortable I am around him.
I don't WANT him, but this whole wanting to want someone thing is getting me.
And I want him.
Ugh, just another thing to add to my life.
I hope this feeling will be gone in a few days.



Playlist:
The Age of Consent - Neverending White Lights
From Blown Speakers - The New Pornographers
Ruby Soho - Rancid
Iowa City Adieu - Autumn Defense
No one's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
Bookshop Casanova - The Clientele
Ocean Spray - Manic Street Preachers

Lost.

I can't stand to even look at pictures anymore. They bring back a time in my life where I was happy. The smile on my face was not forced or fake. It was genuine. These days, I can't even remember what my real smile looks like. I have to turn to these pictures. The ones that scream fun, young and naive. Its funny how things change so quickly. If someone would have told me three years ago I would be where I am today, I would have laughed in their face. I would have told them they were crazy, my friends would never leave me and that I will live this amazing life forever. I wish I could go back and tell myself that life sucks, things will happen and you won't have the great life for long. I would have told myself to enjoy it and not take a single thing for granted. I would have told myself to not worry about the boys who would come into my life. That the "love" I would find, was really not love at all, or so I don't think it was. I can't do that though, I don't live in a fantasy movie world. So I'm stuck here, here in this life where I can't do anything but wish and reminisce. I can't move on because my heart simply won't let me, I can't look past the greys into the bright blues because my eyes won't let me. I can't think straight because my mind is to bogged down by the mistakes and loses in my life. I have become something I hoped would never happen to me. I have become lost.

I want.

Picnics.
Playing in the rain.
Playing baseball.
Traveling.
Walking on the beach.
Laying in the grass watching clouds roll by.
Counting stars.
Hide and Seek.
Catching fireflies.
Wrestling in the leaves.
Piggy-back rides.
Laughing till our sides hurt.
Dancing to no music.
Watching Titanic.
Board games.
Waiting until the times right.

all of these things and more,
if i could find HIM,
the one who would do all of this with no complaints.
I would be the happiest girl ever.
So if you're him and reading this,
please, introduce yourself.
lets get acquainted.
something magical could happen.

Fortune.

I opened a piece of chocolate and my fortune read:

Dare to love completely.


Hmm, maybe its telling me something.

Shorties got low.

Just when I thought people couldn't get more low then those two boys, I get surprised and find out its possible. People are really low. They never think about what their actions might do to people. It's ridiculous what people will do. Put other people ahead of yourself for once. Think about how they might feel before you go screwing people over. (literally and figuratively)

Love to hate and hate to love

Songs I love to hate and hate to love because of the meanings they have to me.

Thunder - Boys Like Girls
When you're gone - Avril Lavigne
Sit and Sink - The Graduate
Rock the Casbah - The Clash
Brightest - Copeland
Connect the Dots - The Spill Canvas
The Greatest Fall (of all time)- Matchbook Romance
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous - Good Charlotte
Cupid - Sam Cooke
Hey You - Aaron Carter
Boston - Augustana
Liar - Taking Back Sunday
Make damn Sure - Taking Back Sunday
California - Copeland
Don't Bore Us, Get to the Chorus - Emery
I Did it My Way - Frank Sinatra
Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World
Marshalltown - Modern Life is War

Could it be...

I can not write like I used to. Could it be because I have nothing to write for? Nothing to write about? Everything that once was is no longer. The words do not flow. Is it because the things that once intrigued me to write, are no longer in my life? Is it because I have given up? Is it because I see no use for it anymore? The thing that once got me through the day now almost hurts to do. Could it be because everything I write seems to have a double meaning? It is because everything I write hurts someone somehow? Is it because I'm scared you will never read it? Is it because I'm scared you will read it? Could it be any of these? Could it be all of these?

Voices

The voices gracing my stereo speakers lately have been

Modern Life Is War
William Elliott Whitmore
We The Kings
Yoav
Mates of State
The American Analog Set
Michael Tolcher

First Name Basis.

Something funny.
The name of my blog.
"First Name Basis"
I just remembered where I got the name from.
Thanks to jealous friends and knowing people they didn't.
haha only Lauren will know what I'm talking about, but who cares.
It's funny.

No longer.

As we sat there, our faces lit by the glow of the fire we talked. We talked about the past, as usual. This time though, our past was right in front of our eyes. Others were living our past, only they were living it in the moment. It's the weirdest thing to see and feel this. Everything we once were two years ago, we are no longer. New people have come in and taken our places in the hearts of the people we once called our friends. We are no longer one of them. Their smiles no longer are directed our way, but to the way of these new found friends. Their hands no longer find their way up our arms or legs but the arms and legs of these new people. They are finally growing up, moving on, realizing its time. We are still young, if this is any sign, we have another 6 years before we grow up. The ones we thought would always be there are slowly fading into the horizon. Who will be left? Who will be there when we finally grow up? Its a scary thought.

Proud.

There are a few people I am very proud of at this moment.

One would be the boys of Modern Life Is War. I'm not saying this just because I have gotten close to them over the past three years, but because it is all true. MLIW was an amazing band. The lyrics Jeff wrote were not only heartfelt, but real. They were the kind of band that on the worst day, I would put into my stereo and know that everything was going to be okay in the end "the world doesn't hate you, dear, it just doesn't care" - those lyrics were/are powerful to me. They never played a show with less then 100%, ever. They never liked to let their fans down. There are not many bands out there that are like that anymore. They showed the world that Iowa is not just full of corn, they are the reason I am proud to be from this state. They have inspired so many people and will do so throughout the future. They may not be a band anymore, but I am very proud of them and the amazing things they accomplished in the past 6 years. I'm sure you will get sick of reading about these guys, but they really have a place in my heart and were a big part of my life. So deal with it.

The other person I am very proud of is my brother. Him and I have never been on the same page for anything through life. We have nothing in common. I don't say it enough, but I am so proud to be his sister. He is not only a genuinely nice person, but an amazing athlete. He throws shot and disc for Kentucky, therefore I see him about twice a year. This past weekend, he was in San Diego throwing at a meet and shattered his personal record. His throw not only won the meet, but qualified him for the Olympic Trials in Oregon and it is the 10th furthest throw in the world right now. Times like these, I wish I was closer to him. Telling him congrats about it just didn't seem enough. He deserves so much more then a congrats, but I'm afraid that is all I can offer. Maybe one day we will become closer. I however, will never lose the pride I have for that kid.

"Its like a funeral, get it?"

Who: Modern Life is War, Beat Strings, Old Scratch, William Elliot Whitmore, Desperation, and Quick Fix
What: Modern Life is War's final Show
When: April 26th, 2008
Where: Moose Lodge Marshalltown, Iowa
Why: Because they died.

640 young punks showed up for one of the greatest events in the history of Iowa music. Everyone was one. From the first strum of Breaking the Cycle, to breaking the stage 45 seconds into it, to the first strum of Breaking the Cycle once more to the very last word and guitar strum of Hair-Raising Accounts of a Restless Ghost. They were all there for the same purpose, to make sure their favorite band went out with the biggest bang a band could go out with. They succeeded. Never has the smell of sweat smelt so intriguing, so energizing, so amazing. This band has done so much for not only myself, but many others out there. They may have "died" as a band, but they will forever live in the hearts of the people who love them.

6/20/02 - 6/26/08

Honestly?

The same concept.
Pretty much the same words minus the going to college at Iowa to play baseball.
THE EXACT SAME THING.
Honestly, did he think I wouldn't read it?
Dumb, that must be what he is.
You do NOT use the exact same words you used for a girl a short six months ago.
Its funny how one can be sooo in love with someone, telling the girl she is the only one he ever wants to be with and that she is the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with one month and the next be in love with someone else.
Then when he is done "loving" her, go back to the first girl then go to a different girl once again.
Seriously though,
the exact same thing?
Come on.
At least change it up a bit.
My god, everything in the blog was said to me six months ago. SIX fucking months ago, that is only half a year.
How is any girl supposed to believe a word coming from your mouth and fingers?
These girls, including me are so blind by the sweet talking games.
Its ridiculous.
Thank god you posted your lovely blog about your new lover,
it FINALLY ripped the fucking cover from my eyes and I can see clearly now.
For the first time in 9 months, I can feel free.
Your burden will weigh me down no longer.

11:12

It is one minute past 11:11.
For the first time, I had no wish.
I starred at the clock for one whole minute racking my brain for just one wish.
Nothing came.

i dont care

i am totally sauced as shaun would say
its amzing.
i havent been this way forever.
im talking to tyler olsen and philip.
my two favorites in the whole wrld.
i cant consintrate and i have no idea what im saying.
i saw jimmy eat world tonight, it was amazing.
i cried during Hear you me due to the fact that it has so much meaning behind it.
tonight is perfect and i miss eveeryone.

One for the ex.

For the first time since the day I did it,
I have regretted it.
I am one to not regret things,but something set me off tonight and I cried.
I cried because I think I could have really liked you.
I think what I did was right, but it feels so wrong tonight.
We don't even talk anymore and that is the last thing I wanted.
I miss having you as a friend I could turn to.
I miss the stories of your oh so exciting life.
I miss the way our hands fit together like two pieces of a puzzle.
I miss the way you would keep me warm on cold nights.

Why am thinking all of these thoughts?
I'm sure you have moved on in your life and never think about me,
so I'm going to stop this nonsense.

---

I hate the initial feeling of losing respect for someone.

At last. Maybe. Doubt it.

I'm not sure why I am still standing here holding on.
I just need to let go, and let go completely.
I'm tired of getting hurt.
I'm tired of waiting.
If you wanted to be with me,
You would have done it by now.
You haven't though,
So I am burying the past.
The future with a you and me will be a friendship,
and only a friendship.

The question is...

"but who meets their love online?"

I was asked this question last night by someone.
I had to stop and think.
I thought I had once.
I still kind of think he is the one that will never be.
so some people in a way I guess.
so I answered with

"true"

if only he could have known the tone i said "true" in and the way my eyes looked.
then he would know who does.

Just a few rants.

So bear with me, I am going to be ranting about certain topics that just need to be ranted about.

1. Weather. It is April, usually in Iowa, April means green grass, sunny days, Flowers, blue skies and bunny rabbits hopping around. Instead we have freaking snow. Come on, spring break for most of us was three weeks ago. Spring break for most of us means spring, not winter. We are going to have fucking snow in June. It is ridiculous. This is why I want to live somewhere warm that either never sees snow or sees snow once every ten years. I don't really want anything more right now then warm weather.

2. Annoying show goers. I know I have written a huge rant about this before, but it is something that bugs me. People who go to shows to just say they have been and to meet "famous" people. They are just normal people doing what they love to do and making money for it. These type of people ruin the experience for us who are there for the actual music. I mean there are some people out there who know every name to every band member of every poppy catchy band on the planet. Now, its cool if you want to be obsessed over the music, but the band members, it just gets creepy there. Honestly, I know about one member out of my favorite band. I don't care what their names are or who they have dated or what shirt they wear for good luck. As long as they make noise that gets me through life, I am satisfied. Just remember kiddies: Music is a passion, not a fashion.

3. Obsessive girlfriends. Girls, really, you don't need to know your dudes password to myspace. You don't need to know everything little thing he is saying to other girls. If he is with you, there has got to be something between you two, so just chill. So he may email other girls, there is no harm in that. As long as he is not saying "lets fuck again because last night was awesome", it will be okay for him to talk to girls. Seriously, having friends is okay. It is how a lot of people get through life. Also, don't tell him who he can and can't hang out with, especially if they have been friends for years. Just don't. If you don't like the girls he hangs out with, get to know them, maybe they really aren't that bad. Not every girl is out to fuck your boyfriends. Trust me.

4. Time. This is something that not only makes me mad, but confuses the hell out of me. Have you ever just sat down and thought about time. Something you did a month ago can seem like years ago and something you did years ago seems like it happened yesterday. At times, I can't even remember what I had to eat for lunch but I can sure as hell remember specific details to a night from years before. Think about the past year, do you think it has flown by or gone slower then a turtle running a marathon? For me, a year has flown by yet I feel like I haven't accomplished anything because it has gone to fast to do so, yet I know I have accomplished so much.

5. Myspace. We are all addicted to it, there is no denying it. I'm not here to rant about what goes on on myspace, rather Tom. My god, I have never seen someone who is so incapable of keeping a site running smoothly for more then ten minutes. Every damn hour something is either under construction or there is an error. For real, I would like to get on the site for one day without a little update from Tom stating that something will be down for a bit while they try and fix it. When I first became a myspacer, there were never any problems. Now everything has to be so damn fancy with friend updates and whatever the hell else there is. Just stop, myspace doesn't need to be facebook. Just leave it alone Tom!!

6. Cops. Now, its not that I don't have respect for them because I do. I mean my uncle is one. There are some cops however who are just out there to piss off as many people as possible and be nit picky on every little thing. Example: Wednesday I was on the way to Brad's house to drop him off when I get pulled over. Now it wasn't for speeding because i was following a truck going 15 mph, it wasn't for not wearing a seat belt cause Brad and I both had them on. It was because my break light was out in the back. Now you think, well duh that's a good reason right? Yeah, well I get home and my break light has three different lights in it. Only ONE was out. it wasn't even the blinker light so you could tell I was turning and braking. For Christs sakes, go get the freaking idiots out there who sell drugs or rape people instead of pulling someone over for ONE break light bulb out.

7. Gas prices. Shit. Do I need to say more?

8. Chubby girls who wear tight clothes. Okay, now this may sound mean, but its just the truth. Don't buy clothes that don't fit you properly. No one, and I mean no one really wants to see your stomach peeking out from underneath that tiny tshirt that wouldn't even fit the four year old girl I babysit. Lets be honest with yourself. Do you really think it looks good and do you really feel comfortable when wearing it? I am skinny and I feel funny when I show just a bit of my stomach. I just don't get it. Chubby girls everywhere wear to small of shirts. Its quite sad because they could all be really pretty if they would just wear clothing items that cover things up.

9. Toothpaste. It has the grossest aftertaste in the entire world. It doesn't go away very fast either. It is supposed to make your breath smell good, but as bad as it tastes, sometimes I wonder.

10. Girls who want to grow up so fast. Girls like this are insane. They use words that most forty year olds don't know the meaning too and speak as if they are the most proper people to walk this earth. They tend to look down upon every idea someone their own age thinks is a good idea. I think I would give anything to go back to being sixteen years old. The teenage years fly by way to fast. I didn't want to grow up nor do I still. These girls, they will regret it. They will have to. They will look back on their teenage years and ask them selves why they wanted to grow up so fast. Being a kid and teenager is supposed to be fun, there is plenty of time to be grown up later on in life.

Good things never last.

All good things must come to an end, or so I have been told. And experienced for that matter. Seems all good things that happen in life come for a short time then fade away like the color of leaves in the fall. Why is it, something good can't last forever? Cause let's face it, it never does. You can pretend all you want that whatever it is you have that is wonderful will last forever. However we all get sick of things or they leave or change and are never the same as what they once were. Love, it is said to be amazing when you first find it, and then for sometime after as well. Soon enough though, love fades, people change and the once wonderful connection between two people is no longer the same. Best friends, they come and go more often then some of my friends take showers. People go through ten best friends by the time they hit middle school and then throughout high school and college they have another couple best friends. Their best friend whom they called a sister will most likely change and no longer be the coolest person they know. Music, it amazing. It always will be, but it also changes and your favorite band will soon change too. A band will break up, or "sell out" and they won't be in your Top 5 bands anymore. They will be pushed to the back of the shelf where they will become dusty. You may get sick of the genre you were so dedicated too and have to switch to another one. The car you drive, the house you own, they shoes you wear. They are all wonderful at the time you buy them, but they soon get old, rusty and out of style and they are no longer something good. I am determined to find something that will be wonderful, good, and amazing for the rest of my existence. I believe it would be the coolest thing ever.

Things in my life that ended to soon or don't last long enough:

Being Able To Hang Out With Both of Them At The Same Time


Going To Shows Every Weekend


Being 16 and Clueless


Days Like This


Having Christina As My Twin


Roadtrips With My Best Friend


Summer Loves


Countless Hours At The Secret Shop


Nights In Marshalltown


Summertime Chillin At Red Rock


Crushes On Stupid Boys


High School Memories Such As Prom


Hanging Out With Anton All The Time


Summertime


Being Best Friends With Mike


Being Carefee and Young.

The New Editions

I bought ten cds this weekend. Some may see this as a total waste of money and I see it as the best thing one could spend money on. Its like a high. The best kind of high in the world. Then unwrapping them is like Christmas morning. haha I love it!

The ones I bought were:

Glory Hope Mountain - The Acorn
Fractured Life - Air Traffic
Across the Universe Soundtrack
The Sun and The Moon - The Bravery
Fort Music - The Dead Trees
Seventh Tree - Goldfrapp
Help Wanted Nights - The Good Life
I'll Be Lightening - Liam Finn
Texas - PlayRadioPlay!
A Twist in My Story - Secondhand Serenade

Sweetness

Unexpected friendships are the best, they make you smile on bad days. They are the type with no strings attached, they just pop up. They include people you meet along the journey we all call life. The people who just happen to come into your life when you least expect it. They are the kind of people you only read about or see in the movies. The ones who have the exciting life and whom you think would never want to give you the time of day, only they do. They give you a little more then the time of day. It could be the hot girl who moves in next door or the boy who is in a friend's band who is way too cute for you. They come into your life for a period then leave, yet still keep in contact with you. They don't have to, there is no obligation to keep in touch, but they do it because they want to. It shows you were more then just a neighbor or just someone they met randomly at a show. You have impacted their life as they have yours. I wish I could find more of these types of friendships. They are the kind I tend to cherish more then others.

The sun rises in the east.

Right now, the east coast has my name written all over it. New Jersey and New York sound about right. The Atlantic wants me to walk its shores and watch the sun rise over them. Freedom is calling my name. For just a week even. It must happen. The east coast knows I need to see what else is out there in this world besides rows of corn and snow. It knows I am at the point in life where I just want to live freely and have a lot of adventures. I know I want to live on the West coast but the East is what is calling me right now. I will go. I am determined. There is nothing that is going to keep me from exploring this dream of mine.

Anniversary

It's been one year.
To the hour. (10:30 p.m.)
How weird.

Pythons Awake.

What a way to kick off my spring break. Sitting at home. Lame. I can tell this spring break is going to be so amazing. Not.

I decided to go on a drive earlier.
To no where in particular, I just drove.
I thought about a lot of things.
It was nice.
I had my sunroof open, with a cool breeze flowing through my car,
I blared by music
and just drove.
After all my thinking though,
I realized I hadn't accomplished much.
I wanted to try and find answers,
but no answers came to me.
It's okay I guess.
It was just nice to be able to think about all of them.



Jammin to:
Numbers - Pompeii
Bad Enough - The City Lives
Rabbit Hole - The City Lives
Are We Different? - Priscilla Ahn
The Black Static Screen -VersaEmerge

Happiness is a Warm Gun

I watched Across the Universe this weekend for the first time. I fell in love with it. The movie was made perfectly. Each detailed scene was scripted and filmed with such beauty and precision it made me shiver. I love being able to watch movies like this. It also made me realize that I really do like The Beatles, there is no denying it. I can't any longer, I catch myself humming I've Just Seen a Face and Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds all the time.
I am so excited to go buy it and the soundtrack!

Girl, Freal.

I'm not even sure where to begin. There are these two people who are in my life, no, make that used to be in my life, that have done something so bizarre. It makes me want to scream. Both of them talked the worst shit about each other to me, if only I had saved the conversations. Funny how it happens. Can people just not tell the truth about how they feel? I don't even know why I care, maybe it is because I feel as if I have been betrayed, used, lied too, laughed at, and manipulated. I want to be able to say "Fuck you, you deserve each other seeing as you both are compulsive liars and no one should have to deal with your lies besides each other" but I can't. Technically I just did say it, but its just a blog, it doesn't REALLY count. Just remembering what both have said to me about each other in the past makes my brain hurt. I can't wrap my thoughts around what I just saw. Ugh, I will never understand people and the choices they make.

Vivid.

As I sit here listening to The Clash, in which I do in spurts. My head is flooded with memories of a time long ago. May of 2006 to be exact. A line of cars pull into an old warehouse parking lot, rented out by a couple of guys in the white van. It was a cool evening, stars shining down upon young kids as they piled out of their vehicles laughing and enjoying the company. Two of the youngest were girls, bright eyed and full of life. The rest of the group was well into their 20's and living the life. Inside this desolate looking warehouse there was so much life. Out of one room came the sounds of Johnny Cash, Billy Idol, The Rolling Stones and The Clash. From another room full of grass peaking out of the cracks stood a few select people discussing god knows what. Probably politics or some bizarre topic that people would rather not listen in on. To the side stood the two young girls, only 15 and 17. They stood alone talking about things such as life and how their parents just didn't understand what was going on in their lives. After awhile a boy came up to them asking them what they were talking about and why they weren't mingling with the rest of the people. The girls giggled and didn't have a response. He grabbed them both a drink and their night started to get a bit more lively from that point. Dancing in the room filled with lovely music. Conversations with people they didn't know. Laughing harder then they ever had over the littlest things. There was this joy shared by everyone that night. They had no one to impress, no one to answer too. They were just being them. Living in the moment. Whatever happened that night, happened. No one thought twice about anything. It was almost as if it were a dream, yet it was all so real.






Lately, I have been jamming to:

Moment of Truth - FM Static
Uptown Girl - Billy Joel
Pray for Plagues - Bring Me the Horizon
Must be Dreaming - Frou Frou
Secret - Greeley Estates
I can Feel Your Pain - Manchester Orchestra

But what are they?

There is a reason why our moms brought us together.
There is a reason why we don't talk anymore.

There is a reason why I thought about you while in his arms.
There is a reason why you like hearing from me once every three months.

There is a reason why I still have a picture in my car.
There is a reason why you didn't delete a different album.

There is a reason why I know it won't go on forever.
There is a reason why you like me so much.

There is a reason why we are still stuck in this town.
There is a reason why we will be here another year.

There is a reason why I call you a close friend.
There is a reason why you and I don't hang out much.

There is a reason why I will always want to call you friend.
There is a reason why you are not allowed to talk or see me.

There is a reason why I left the group.
There is a reason why they didn't try to pull me back in.

There are so many reasons, yet I don't have the answer for a single one.

Fading into the past.

As I sit here, in my room, I can't help but to be reminded of my past. To my right there is a picture of me and kenzie. We are sitting at the state wrestling meet our junior year. We had such big smiles and bright eyes. We had some great times at state. This is the first year we didn't go for years. On the board next to that picture there is one of Lauren, Jeff, and I the first day we met. It was June 14 2005. Yes, I remember the date. We were all gross with sweat. Youth was covering our faces. Now, the three of us never hang out, let alone talk. The wall behind me holds the San Francisco poster I bought in 2003 when I visited there with my family. Five years have gone by and I am still determined to live there one day. To my left there are posters hanging. A Lydia one, I got it in 2006 when my old good friend Christina and I went to their show. An Underoath poster from Warped Tour 2006 holds dear memories of standing in a long line to meet them. A JamisonParker poster is next, three shows in one year, with great people whom I adored with all my heart. Lastly, a Modern Life Is War poster. Just the name of the band itself holds some of my dearest memories. I do wish them all well, seeing as we never get the time to catch up or put any effort into doing so. Sea shells decorate shelves reminding me of a great vacation with three 50 year olds and a 60 year old. Best vacation I have ever been on. On the floor there is a picture with the initials j and d sprawled in the sand. It yells at me, taunting me, wanting to be put where it can collect dust. I can't make myself do it though, too hard. A shot glass sits on the floor of my closet. It's Brookes, we used it my junior year after homecoming. Brooke and I got trashed while Jeremy and Shane took care of us. Everything in my room screams past memories at me. At times it makes me happy, at times it makes me want to scream right back asking what happened? Why are we no longer friends? Why must you haunt me every night? Why? Even every new memory I make will soon fade and become another long lost memory.

Ngi Ne Themba

I can't seem to write anything these days, its all so redundant. I hate it with a passion.
So I guess I will update all three maybe four of my readers of what is going on in my life.

-Jon and I have been dating for a month and a half. He is pretty great.
-School is stressfull.
-I either don't work enough or too much, its never just right.
-I have lost a lot of respect for one girl to whom I try to look out for just as an older sister would do.
-I got to chill with Kenzie today, it was nice, I don't see her as much as I would like too.
-I watched Jumper, Hayden is adorable.
-I have become obsessed with the song The Special Two by Missy Higgins
-I have started talking to JD more, its nice. I didn't completely lose him like I though I might.
-I had a random conversation with Oliver, the lead singer for Bring me the Horizon. He seems pretty chill. Maybe I will catch one of their shows sometime.
-I was sick for about 6 weeks and I am FINALLY starting to feel like my old self.
-I want all the snow to be gone. Its crampin my style.

hmm i think that is about it.

Sea of Doubts.

Is it wrong to compare every person I meet to him? I know it is not fair to them, or even to him. I can't help it. Once you have something great, you just compare everything else to it. I know that he is great, but he is not him (horrible writing but I don't care right now). Why do we do this? I do it with other things as well. I went on a cruise, now every other vacation seems dumb and not as exciting. Once we have something great in our lives, we seem to pick apart every little thing about everythig else just to find flaws. Things we don't like, things that turn us away. Why can we just not be happy with what we have. So what if the person or thing isn't exactly like what I had before? They or it can still be just as good. I wish I could get past this little "he is not you" thing I am going through.




so i know there are spelling mistakes, my spell check on here isn't working. sorry.





Playlist:

Remember to Feel Real - Armor for Sleep
Basement Ghost Singing - Armor For Sleep
Seven Years - Saosin
Finding Home - Saosin

The secret.

Not even twelve hours later and I am writing another one. I broke last night. After I posted, I saw something that made me realize it's really over. I couldn't hold back, the tears just came and wouldn't stop. I am not tough, I tried to be. I am weak though. People know that, and they take advantage of it. I wish all of this would just stop, leave me alone, get out of my life forever. Shit, I don't really mean that, don't leave forever, just a little bit. I really want you in my life somehow. UGH I'm going crazy.


"How is it fair to love someone who will never love you back? And who will always treat you like shit. I don't understand. But for some reason, it happens" - she put it best. It's not fair, life isn't fair. We can't help who we fall in love with or care greatly for.





Playlist for the crazy:

Pictures of You - The Cure
Kind of Perfect - Armor for Sleep
Brightest - Copeland
Open Water - Thrice
Yesterday Feelings - The Used

the last one.

haha, i wasted three months of my life on him. what was i thinking? i just couldn't see past those stupid games he played. "i love you sarah. i want to spend the rest of my life with you and only you, i hope you know that" hahaha it just makes me laugh now. was i really that stupid? how did i possibly believe for a second he meant what he was saying. there is a part of me that hopes he makes it pro in baseball, but there is also a part of me that hopes he fails. i hope he fails and is nothing. its horrible for me to say, but i want him to fail so i can laugh at him. make him go through pain of losing something that meant a great deal to him. buuuut i doubt that will happen. he will probably make it big, make millions of dollars for throwing a baseball, have three wives and six kids, yet still feel sorry for himself, cause that is just who he is or will be.


i am so sick of thinking and writing about him. i really hope this is my last post about him.

Just do it.

Listen to Thrice's The Alchemy Index Vol II Water. It is amazing. There are really no words to describe it, just listen. It kind of makes you feel at peace, like you are whole even if you aren't. This is the definition of good music.

Golden.

Lauren mentioned Fall Out Boy last night. I decided I would listen to them last night, and tonight. I forgot how much I absolutely love them. I put on of their c.d.s on and ended up playing three of the four albums all the way through. I stayed up until two in the morning listening to them. Honestly, I really like FOB. I don't care if they are "sell outs" they made me happy a few years back and listening to them still brings me joy. I never wanted to be one who stopped liking a band because people thought they were sell outs, but I did it. I did it with Fall Out Boy and now I feel bad. I never stopped liking the band. I will forever be a fan. I have seen them countless times and I would pay to see them again. So make fun of me if you please, I could care less.




Play list:

Hum Hallelujah - Fall Out Boy
Dead on Arrival - Fall Out Boy
About You Now - Sugababes
Coffee Shop - Landon Pigg
Cake Parade - Georgie James

Baseball Players.

Maybe its the uniform that attracted us.
We soon found out though,
They lie, cheat and steal.
Oh yes, they are good with their hands and eyes, but nothing else,
they like to move fast.
Always rounding bases without thinking.
They have their head in the game and do what they think is right.
They take that hit out into far left field to see just how far they can go.
Pushing every base until he is stopped, yet even then, he attempts to go on.
A simple single will not due.
Oh no, being the best on the team is what is needed.
Must show off.
Having the most home runs will make them great.
Maybe for that game it will make them great,
but at the end of the day, what do they have?
An empty field.
Empty bleachers.
Left over popcorn scattering the ground.
The feeling of greatness is gone because everyone has left.
No one cares anymore, the game is done and the players are left alone.




It's quite funny how people in my life seem to represent the game they play. They are so consumed by what they play, it starts to show up in real life. Funny, yet sad.

Research.

Tomorrow I am going to do some in depth research on a road trip Lauren and I are planning for the summer of '09. Im really excited. It is going to happen. I can't wait.

Another Perfect Day

So this song kind of got to me, big time.


Another Perfect Day by American Hi - Fi

I'm holding on, waiting for your call.
It's simple, but I can't explain this.
I'm sinking down; I feel like I could die.
I'm falling off; I don't know why.

I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day,
Another perfect day.
I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day,
Another perfect day.

So I might try to leave it all behind.
I know tomorrow's not so bright now.
I'll say goodbye 'cause nothing good can last.
You wear and fade; you're nowhere fast.
But today, I don't know how to keep it all inside,
But I guess I'll let it slide.

I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day,
Another perfect day.
I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day,
Another perfect day.

Today, I don't know why,
I thought that it was real,
But I guess it's no big deal.

I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day,
Another perfect day.
I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day,
Another perfect day.

I don't know how.
I don't know how.
I don't know how to let it slide.

Yeah.

Just a little update.

First full week of second semester is over. My classes seem kind of hard, so a lot of studying will be going down. If I focus I can do it. Hopefully.

I get to have the joy of being glared at in one of my classes. It makes me happy in a wierd way because its ridiculous how immature people can be.

I have been happy the past two weeks. Its a nice feeling, one that I haven't felt in a long time.

One Tree Hill has finally started again and I am excited to see what happens with all of the characters.

Gossip Girl is moving to Monday's that means no more Lauren and Sarah Gossip Girl nights because we tend to work on Monday nights. That makes me mad.



Playlist

The Art of Losing - American Hi-Fi
Rite of Spring - Angels & Airwaves
Fools & Luxury - Lydia
Dickhead - Kate Nash
Love me Like the World is Ending - Ben Lee

The tale of two.

Remembering the last time,
Hoping for a next time.
She will sit and hold her breath, knowing it's not enough to make him hers.
Nothing was ever enough to make him hers.
All the dreams they had were just the thoughts of two crazy teenagers who thought they could conquer the world.
One of them always had faith that those dreams could come true if they tried.
The other one of them knew it would never happen, but went along with it anyway.
They both loved each other.
The kind of love that happens immediately.
The kind of love that people always wonder what it would be like to have.
The kind of love that once people find out what its like, don't ever want it again.
They were the kind of people no one understood.
They were the kind of people who liked to take risks in things.
They were the kind of people who held false hope, but made it seem so real.
They were the kind of people who couldn't even believe what they were doing themselves.
They were...perfect.
Perfect for three months.
Perfect for each other.
Perfect for the good dreams at night.
They were so many things,
But what they are,
Is something tragic.
Something the movie writers would love.
Something no one likes to talk about.
Something that makes people cry.
Something...
That still haunts her at night.

The Way it Goes

I met him one week after school had been out.
I was fresh out of sophomore year.
I was a 16 years old with long blonde hair and pink highlights, big blue eyes and a bright smile.
I was young and had no clue how the world worked.
I was naive.
I had never been to a real show before.
His was my first.
I was with my cousin.
We wore some embarrassing tank tops,
but oh did we think we were the shit.
We took pictures "backstage" as it started to rain.
I thought I was in heaven.
It was an amazing night.
His music spoke to me.
He is 7 years older then me,
but his music really got me,
it was like he knew.
We became friends after that night.
He introduced me to Bukowski.
He opened my eyes to new music and
the appreciation of photography.
We would sit on his bed for hours on end just sitting.
Talking.
Laughing.
Nothing was ever awkward.
We just clicked on an emotional and intellectual level.
I loved it.
I went to many of his shows,
they were some of the greatest nights of my life.
I had some fun times with him and the others.
A year and a half went by,
things started to change.
We became more distant,
we didn't hang out or talk.
His music got him where he always wanted.
To the big time.
I was no longer someone who he wanted to communicate with.
I had become some little girl from back home.
Two years, 2 months and 10 days have passed and we are basically strangers.
So, here I sit,
Fresh out of high school about to start college
An 18 year old with short blonde hair with pink chunks, sad blue eyes and a dim smile
I will always wonder what happened.



--as i was looking through my drafts i found this. i never published it. i am not sure why. but it has been about 8 months since i wrote it. I saw him a few times over the summer. he is home, yet i haven't seem him since he got home. its weird. i can tell that the friendship is over. its quite sad due to the fact that he touched my life with not only his music, but his friendship as well. I could try to fix things, not that there is really anything to fix. i don't think it would do any good because its just the way it goes. all i can say is thanks for the memories and great times--

To this day.

Frank Sinatra makes me happy. I feel so full of joy when I listen to him. It takes me back to the days of when I was so young and grandpa would dance with me. He would twirl me around and I would giggle to no end. He would sing in his husky voice and smile that great big smile. I would cling close to him and inhale the scent of him, the scent that I can still smell from time to time.
To this day I wonder, I wonder if grandpa and I would still share dances to Frank. I think we would. I think we would more then ever. I believe with all my heart he would still twirl me around and I would giggle, then cling close to him to inhale that scent, the only scent that after 10 years is still in my nose. I believe with all my heart that we would sing out the songs Come Fly With Me and I Did It My Way with every ounce we had.
Yes, I do believe this.
Ah, good ole Frank and the memories he created and the dreams he causes.

No, I am not.

I am not sorry. I just realized this. I am not sure how many times I told you I was sorry, and for what? I always apologized for things you did to me. I am not sorry at all. You had your shot and you blew it. Do not for a second blame it on me. You moved on first. You went and got yourself a girlfriend. I waited, I waited for a long time. I wasn't about to waste my life waiting for you to get your shit together and figure out if you wanted to be with me or not. So, I moved on. I found someone who is willing to make a long distance relationship work. I found someone who can look past my imperfections. I found someone who makes me smile and laugh and feel wanted. I found someone who will be true, because like you, he got cheated on, but in his eyes I could see a sincerity that he wouldn't hurt me, I never saw that look in your eyes. You're eyes always held lies, the truth could never be found in them. So get mad, but at yourself. You held all the power for "us" and you didn't use it. It is not my fault at all. I will never, ever apologize to you again.

At last.

The fire was re lit last night. The joy in her laugh was back. That light in her eyes had never been brighter. Surrounding herself with people who cared. People who could see past her little imperfections. People who could make her laugh until she cried just by saying "BAM". The look in their eyes when they said it was great to see her. The smile on his face when they went out on the porch. The sincerity in their voices when they said to come back again soon.
She finaly felt alive, she let the past three months go just for one night and felt free. Free from all the heartache, pain and loss. She finally turned that page, and realized there is more in the world then what she tought. She couldn't be happier.

Past - Future

So here is my list of things to do in 2007
kind of failed at a lot of it, but oh well.


Graduate with honors - Completed

Get a better and more exciting job - Failed

Learn to trust people more - Failed terribly

Get an old friendship going again - Failed

Go to Warped Tour to keep the tradition going - Completed

Go to as many shows as possible - Completed

See Bright Eyes again - Failed due to mix up on dates

See Death Cab for Cutie - Failed

Make awesome memories - Completed with much happiness

Get another tattoo - Completed

Get more piercings - Failed

Read tons of good books - Failed

Try not to change cause i like who i am right now - Eh completed kind of

Try not to give a shit about what people think about me - Completed





List for 2008

Stay in the B range for college.

Change my lifestyle.

Find someone who likes me for me and who will wait for more then 3 months if necessary.

Go on a road trip.

Go to Warped Tour.

Read a lot.

Go to amazing shows.

Laugh, a lot.

Make memories that will stay with me forever.

Grow my hair long.

Stay fit.

Hold back no feelings, let everyone know what or how I feel about them.

Get more sleep.

Eat more healthy.

Save TONS of money.

Meet someone who will make a difference in my life.

Dance in the rain, under the stars and in the middle of the street.

Camp, a lot.

Just have fun!!


now lets see if I can complete more then half of these.
If I do, it will be the best year ever.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm not the girl you wished I was. I am sorry I do things you don't approve of. I'm sorry I can't put a smile on your face anymore. I'm sorry I don't live 300 miles closer. I wish you still loved me for who I am. I wish you would look past the wrongs that I make. I wish you knew how much I cared for you. I wish you knew how much you hurt me.

-

You'll will be why I will NEVER EVER fully let someone into my life.
Thanks.

Write...Publish...Never Delete

One thing I hate about myself... I write what i feel at the moment and never think about it before i write and publish it. I also hate that once I hit the publish button I never delete. The delete button is right there but I can't delete what I have wrote because I feel like I am deleteing feelings. I feel as if I am going to delete part of my life. I just can't do it

desire - reversed

i do want those tingly feelings still. i dont want that damn wall up. i am so confused in life right now. i want him to be in my life and make me feel like i used to. ugh i just want answers.

untitled

I am disappointing myself.
I can't seem to write anymore.
I don't know what is with me,
whatever it is, I hope it passes soon.





I have however switched over to christmas music!!
so the playlits goes like this

Under my tree - NSYNC
White Christmas - Frank Sinatra
Blue and Cold - Versus the World
Happy Christmas (war is over) - Street Drum Corps ft Bert
Last Christmas - Roses Are Red

The Listening Post

I thought about writing something different then I ever have. Nothing came to mind though.
Haven't had a play list in awhile so here is what I have been listening to lately.



Japanese Gum - Her Space Holiday
Come Pick Me Up - Ryan Adams
Desire - Ryan Adams
Closer - Travis
Like I do - Minipop
519 - Matt Wertz
Parker - Automatic Loveletter
Kountry Gentleman - Family Force 5

Desire.

Obviously right now just isn't the time to be with the one who I thought would be worth my time, so no one will be worth it. I think I am just going to go with it. Wherever life takes me, that is where I will go. I am tired of trying to make things work. Here is where my old care free self comes into play. I never used to get these feelings that make me tingle, and I don't know if I want them anymore. I am putting that damn wall back up and not letting anyone into my life anymore then they already are. If they try to get in further, they will hit that wall. If I kiss someone, it will mean nothing. If someone tells me they like me, I will laugh it off and do nothing about it. If I start to get feelings for someone, I will brush them off like a piece of dirt. It is how I used to be and I was happy back then. Maybe, just maybe I can be happy again.

Accident.

It was an accident. He probably didn't even see it coming and they for sure didn't. Its so sad. So young. Talented too, even though I didn't want to admit it at times. He really was. Always had a smile on his face everytime I met him. He waved at us once, not because he had to, because he wanted to (or maybe he felt he needed to? I will stick with he wanted to), the others didn't wave.
Hmm death, what a scary thought. We never know when it will consume us or our loved ones.

The feeling.

"its like when you go and see a really great band live for the first time. nobody is saying it but everyone is thinking it. we have something to believe in again" - Payton on One Tree Hill.

I want to feel this. I want to have something to believe in again. I can't wait for that day when that feeling as re-entered my body. For to feel is to be alive and as of right now I am on the edge of half dead.

Grateful

People I was thankful for this year:
(I may not like some of these people now, but they did have an impact in my life)
Mom
Dad
Chase
Dave
Lisa
Lauren
Zach
Grandma
Sydney
Kenzie
JD
Philip
Ali
Jason
Lee
Brad
Shaun
Jeff
Tyler
Harm
Tim
Lenny
Cam
Nick
Clark
Matt
Anton
John
Fatty
Dustin
Kevin
Mike F.
Chris
Adam
Mike
Blake
Chas


Things I was thankful for this year:
Music
Love
Oxygen
My dad being alive
My brother's foot being okay
Getting out of high school
Warped Tour

Ha Ha

So the past few days have been supaaa good. Its been nice. Me and him are getting along and talking, almost like we used to. It makes me happy.

So funniest thing happened this morning.

Here in your arms by Hellogoodbye is my text ring for someone (and it is pretty much the whole song) Well my alarm went off and that song was playing. So I thought it was my phone, I didn't open my eyes. I just searched for my phone, opened it and shut it. The song didn't stop and I didn't know why. So i just rolled over and let it play. 10 min later I realized I still heard music and figured out it was my alarm. haha god it was funny, probably had to be there.

But it was good to start my day off by doing something stupid that totally made me laugh.

Truths

I am going to be open and let people really in for a breif second. I don't know why I can always be open on the interent but shut people out in life. It's just some curse I was blessed with I guess. So here are some truths about me

1. I am deathly afraid of hospitals.
2. I can not handle death in an appropriate manner.
3. I honestly have 3 friends.
4. I miss my brother no matter how much I deny it.
5. I listen to Bon Jovi and like it.
6. I still sleep with a stuffed animal, I must or I can't sleep well.
7. I am brutaly honest and it backfires a lot.
8. I am scared of love.
9. I write people letters a lot, they just never recieve them.
10. I think about things to deeply and it bugs me.
11. I have a fear that the 3 people in my life will leave me at any minute.
12. I smile when I am sad.
13. If you catch me listening to Panic! At the Disco, please ask me what is wrong, I only listen to them if I am in a certain mood that needs to be talked about.
14. I put up a tough persona, but in reality I am weak.
15. I hate being tall.
16. I never feel like I am good enough for certain people.
17. I feel as if I dissapoint everyone that comes into my life wheather I really do or not.
18. I give really good advice, but never follow it myself.
19. I really really like WWII, I wanted to major in it when I was younger. Can you even major in it?
20. I talk to myself, a lot.
21. I tend to say things I don't mean because I never think before I speak.
22. 22 was Billy Alley's number, yes I watch Sprint Car races.
23. I lead people on too much and I am going to change that.
24. I used to be popular. I hated it. I was mean to people.
25. I don't like saying 'Sorry' it makes me feel even more weak then I already am.

Hmm that is all for now. I am on this truth and honesty kick, so I am sure more is to come.

CANCELLED

Today is going to be a day of blogs, I can feel it.

So I wake up right, the morning as I already stated came way to fast. So I drag my butt out of bed, wash my hair and make it curly. I don't even spend time putting on make-up, i found no use for it because they people in my class love me just the same. So anyway, I leave my house 4 minutes before class is to start, i hit all the green lights and arrive there at exactly 9:00 sharp. It usually never happens, I'm usually early or late never right on time. Well I get to the door of my class room and there is a sign on the door COMP 2 FOR MONDAY NOVEMBER 12 9-9:55 IS CANCELLED. Oh my god, you think I would be really happy about this seeing as I hate this class with more passion then anything. Well I was pissed, I had worked hard on my paper to get it done, I had woken up when all I really needed was sleep. Now I am sitting here with nothing to do until 11:15. I could go back to sleep, but once I am up for the day my body doesn't like me to take a break and sleep again. Damn.

The morning.

The morning came to quickly this morning. I am dreading going to Comp 2. I am dreading going to Math for Educators. I am dreading going to work for 4 hours in the pharmacy. I am dreading my 3 hour class tonight. I would much rather just curl up all day and sleep. I need sleep. I have lost so much of it lately. I also need to eat. I haven't felt quite like eating. I did eat some stuff yesterday, but nothing seems to appealing. According to my scale I have lost 5 pounds since Wednesday. That is not healthy, but when I get in these moods, food just doesn't seem appetizing. I am afraid I will make myself sick due to this mood I am in. Right now though, I don't think I care or that anyone would care.

Ashes and Wine

I can not for the life of me stop listening to this song. It just kind of explains my life and it won't get out of my head.


Ashes and Wine - A Fine Frenzy

Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tears
Don't they see?
That which show you, that which make you hurt like me

All the same
I don't want mudslinging games
It's such a shame
To let you walk away

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's spinning surface on a wheel
I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced intoxicating on her lips

Cut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may chance your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

I'll tear myself away
That is what you need
There is nothing left to say
But

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?
The day's still ashes and wine
Or are we ashes?

about previous blog:

so the previous blog i wrote out of complete rage, i had just talked to ali and i didn't know what to do. so i came to my trusty blogspot and just let it all out. but i talked to him later on, i got some of the truth, the real truth.

i know, i am such a hateful person sometimes. i can't help it. people made me this way.


it is verrrrry brutal, i am aware. i said some very mean things, some things that could cut ones heart forever probably and i am sorry.


this is just going to take me awhile to heal. but i will sooner or later.



sorry for the extremely hateful words. i am truely sorry.

The words, they mean nothing.

You're so full of lies. Have you ever told a truth in your life? I thought what we had meant something to you, but now I can see that it meant nothing. Nothing at all. You are such a piece of shit (sorry that was mean). For real. Everything you have told me these past two weeks, about wanting to start over, to fix things and that you were going to be honest was just a bunch of fucking lies.

Your exact words:
"Sarah I wish I knew what to say to you and I'd do anything to go back and not of done what I did, but I can't I'm sorry."
I replied with:
"Yeah it sucks. I gave you my heart and you broke it. I told you I can't trust people and you ruined it. You have to be honest"
You:
"I know. I'm going to be from now on and Sarah I love you and that blog hurt me a lot more then I've been hurt in a long time but I deserved it"
Me:
"Its what I really felt. If you want this to work you have to be honest."
You:
"I know"
Me:
"Will you be?"
You:
"Ya"
Me:
"Promise?"
You:
"Yes I promise"

You PROMISED. Do you realize what a promise is? Do you not realize how much you have seriously hurt me? I just can't get over how self obsorbed you are. All you think about is yourself.

You once told me that you are always the one to get fucked over in relationships. You were worried about me breaking you heart or hurting you when this whole damn time you have been hurting me. Not just me though, her too. You make her feel like she is the most special person in the world and the only one for you but its not true because you tell me the same thing. How can you live with yourself? You make her lie to me when you KNOW that we are friends now. Did you honestly think you could get away with everything you have said and done? That would be like getting away with murder, you have to be stupid to think you could do it.

I am the kind of girl that seriously lives with no regrets. I like to believe that everything happens for a reason and that no matter what I have chose to do or say, it will all be okay in the end. Except in this case. I do believe I will regret ever letting you into my life to cause as much pain as you have. I should have seen it coming, there was no way you could be as good as you seemed. There are no such things as perfect endings.

Long distant relationships, I don't believe in them now. There is no way in hell they can work out. How can they? One person is most likely to be completely honest and not do anything while the other is off doing what they feel like knowing they can get away with it because 300 miles is a long ways apart and the other person will never find out. I used to think that you were serious when you could make it to next summer but damn you couldn't even make it to the next weekend.

I'm just so glad I was another girl in your little game of lies. Another girl you can add to your long list of girls you have fucked over. Another girl you can forget about. Another girl whose heart you stole and will never fully give back.

So hard.

I wanted to see you again so bad, but not like this. It was so hard for me to see you like this, I wanted to break down and cry. The smile you gave me when you walked into the room was a true smile, but with so much sadness behind it. Those brown eyes that always have a sparkle were so dim and desolate. You covered it well, but I could tell. You were vulnerable probably for the first time in such an awful long time. For the first time you were the one in pain and people were there to help you and tell you things will be hard but they will also be okay. For the first time you were the one leaning on people for support and not being the one giving it. I wanted to help you so much, but I knew there was nothing I could do but give you a hug and tell you to keep your head and faith up. You have a lot of people that love you and you will all get through this, I know it.

"Untitled"

I wish I could erase everything from my mind. All the suspicions I have, everything I have read, everything I dream about. I wish it would all just go away. I wish I could go back to that day in August. I was happy, you made me that way. If only you actually understood what I am feeling. She likes you, cool. Guess what, I think I love you. Does that mean nothing to you? I wish you would just open your eyes and see what is going on.

I'd just like to say

I genuinely hope he is happy.
I have been thinking about it lately,
all I want is for him to be happy and if he is,
then I am too.
Nothing ever came of us,
but what I got from our friendship I will charish forever.
Our friendship showed me something no one else has been able to show me.
So thank you.

Careful now.

Love. What a fragile word. I thought I found it once, but then I realized I lost it. Then I thought I had found it again, but it is slipping away from me too. Love. It is a word people use so loosely these days. This four letter word has so much meaning to it so much emotion attached to it. When people just throw it around it looses its meaning to some. It is starting to lose its meaning to me. So if you are going to tell me you love me, don't expect much in return, for I won't know if you mean it or if you are just saying it.

him vs you

he might.


you most likely wont.

The Urge.

I really want to go on a road trip.
like right now, this minute.
I could be in colorado by noon tomorrow.
hit up the west coast the go cross country to the east coast.
say fuck it to my life right now,
drop everything and go.
I think it would be perfect and be the answer to what I am looking for.
What am I looking for?
I'm not really sure, but I think I would find out.

you vs him

would you take me?
would you believe me if i told you that you were the best thing to happen to me?
would you hold me again?
would you promise to never let go and mean it?
would you put butterflies in my stomache again?
would you?


will he try to fix this?
will he admitt that he messed up?
will he ever hold me again?
will he ever put butterflies in stomache again?
will he tell me he loves me and mean it again?
will he?

thanks lizzie legend

A Picture in words:
its a bright sunny day. the sky is pure blue. clouds scatter the sky like sprinkles on a cake. a little pigtailed blonde haired girl in a bright sunflower yellow dress swings away on her backyard swing set. the grass beneath her is green as ever, it is the perfect summer day. her big blue eyes are squinting up at the summer sun as she reaches up high as she pumps her little legs. she has the biggest grin on her face. for she knows its summer, she is young and she is free.

Inspired by Becky.

When life throws you a curve what are you really supposed to do?
Go around it to hopefully find a better path that has no curve?
or
Are you just supposed to take the curve and pray you made the right choice?
I think I am safe to say none of us know the answer.
I'm pretty sure we have tried both ways and we always end up where we don't want to be.
So what are we supposed to do?
There are only two ways and neither of them ever work out.
Every problem has a solution, right?
I mean, that is what I have been told since day one.
But,
I am beginning to think that curves really have no right answer,
its just what you make of them.

Time to open those baby blues.

It's never going to work.
A girl can only hold onto hope for so long before she opens her eyes and sees whats really going on around her.
This girl, her eyes are halfway open.
She is still grasping for that last little glimpse of hope, but she can also see the reality.
The harsh reality that has been there all along but was covered up by beautifully painted dreams and colorful words inspired by only the best poets.
She will soon open those big blue eyes of hers compeltely to find nothing but a grey dismal world full of lies, theives and trash just waiting to suck her under.

Update.

I have not really written anything in a while for everything I write never satisfies me. So I will just do a quick update on what has been going on in my life within the past few weeks.

1. There were two boys involved in the stabbing. Went to school with both.
2. Went to The Good Life show. It was amazing and just what I needed.
3. Had strep throat.
4. Now have a killer cold that won't go away.
5. Have worked far to much.
6. Realized I have no social life. At all.
7. Complained, a lot.
8. Missed people.
9. Gotten mad.
10. Missed Barack Obama at the Y do to work.
11. Figured out I HATE working in a pharamcy.
12. Realized I want to go back to the camera department at Hy-Vee Drugstore.
13. Wished that I got to spend more time with people that I care about.
14. Got to see Sydney which made me truely happy.
15. Finally happy it is hoodie weather.
16. Can't wait for Halloween, though I have nothing planned.
17. Happy November is only a few weeks away.

Hmm thats about it. I hope I can back into writing again. This wall in my brain is driving me crazy and I just want it to be knocked down.

Boring little town.

Newton, Iowa. A town of 15.000 people. Home of the Iowa Speedway. Home of the first Maytag washer and dryer. 5 elementary schools, one middle school and a high school with less then 1000 kids in it. A town that people say is a safe and good place to grow up, a town that never has anything exciting happen...until this past Saturday.
So I woke up Saturday like any other normal Saturday, I decide to run to Wal Mart with my mom. On our way back, about four streets over from my house the street was blocked off wth just about every police car Newton has sitting in front of a house that had caution tape all around it. We had no clue what was going on, come to find out later there was a murder. A freaking MURDER, in Newton, now that if effed up. The police and Crime Scene Investigators were there till late Saturday night and gone by Sunday morning. The guy killed was 19 and stabbed 6 times in the back...why?...a drug deal gone wrong, thats why. How fucking stupid are people? The best part is, the guy they charged about an hour ago, did community service at the place I work at, I will feel REAL safe with every community service kid now let me tell you.
So Newton, a nice quiet little town perfect to grow up in because nothing exciting ever happens, just took a turn in the other direction.