The Heroin Diaries.

Thank god. My mom and dad got me this amazing book for Christmas. I am so excited to finish it. So far I am on page 60 and I never want to touch a single drug in my life. This book is powerful and heartbreaking. This book amazing. I have always been fascinated with the life of Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee and now I get to almost be inside Nikki's head during the year of 1987. It is a must read. If you haven't read it, its worth the $20.00 to go get it. Trust me.

An Acquaitance Strikes a Chord.

I have not seem to let The Good Life leave my stereo speakers for the past three days. I have tried listening to Christmas music and others, yet I get upset because it's not The Good Life. I adore Tim's voice and lyrics. I love having The Good Life addiction. It makes me feel happy. It reminds me of their amazing show that Lauren and I went to. It reminds me of sitting on John and Angie's porch discussing Bright Eyes vs. The Good Life with Lauren, Jeff and Tim. It reminds me of getting random texts from Tim stating The Good Life is better then Bright Eyes any day. It reminds me of 2007, what a good year.

So Single.

I would have been saying it was two months today.
I would have been happy.
Instead, today I am burning bridges.
I am happy anyways.


Goodbye.

Lyrics of the Day.

"I can't think straight but I'm okay and I can't think of anybody else who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you so please give me a hint. So, please give me a lesson on how to steal, how to steal a heart as fast as you stole mine." - 6 months by Hey Monday.

"Its not like I'm a slut or that I really like to fuck I just want every boy I see to walk away with part of me until there's nothing left to hold until there's nothing left to hate I appreciate your help but even you cant save me from myself" - Japanese Gum by Her Space Holiday

"So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts? Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon, hows that thought for you? My scream got lost in a paper cup, I think there is a heaven where some screams have gone. I've got 25 bucks and a cracker, do you think its enough to get us there?" - Silent by Tori Amos

"I never stop feeling strange cause you would never know if you really change. You can never tell if you're center stage its thin as glass and never meant a thing. And you never feel good or bad only strange and unprepared cause you never see it coming." - Strange and Unprepared by Copeland.

"Holding onto dreams we collide. We had our future, our reasons, our fingers on the trigger. Well we based our joy on things we see we lose the trust in it all, the faith we believe. If you just trust in me..." - Truth & Reconciliation by This Providence

"No more phone calls. Don't tell me that you miss our times. Quit saying sorry cause sorry doesn't say enough. I admit it, I still think about those times when I was with you. So drown these memories until this bottle turns empty and I pray the feeling lasts. And then I run away from you where you can't hurt me any further." - Goodbye Friendship, Hello Heartache by Cinematic Sunrise

"When panic grips your body and your hearts a hummingbird raven thoughts blacken your mind till your breathing in reverse. And all your friends incentives mean well but make it worse. Every reassurance just magnifies the doubt that it find yourself a place to level out." - If The Breakman Turns My Way by Bright Eyes

"I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea always moving always hiding all the creatures from beneath. Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance to dance upon the ashes of my burnt up little plans. And I stand alone before the night my nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight. Life is long but so short. we are young we want more." - Who Needs Air by The Classic Crime

"Hes got his arm around her looking like an actress a gender driven heathen posing as a baptist subtle proposition where you fit them and your trackless. Baby you'll just get down to wearing out the mattress." - Beltloops by The Films

"Can you sleep as the sound hits your ears? One at a time. Unspoken balance here. A bridge for so many years that I should stare at receivers to receive her. Isn't fair. Don't worry I'll catch you. Don't worry I'll catch you. Don't ever worry. Your arms and mine...anytime. Wouldn't trade anything you're still my everything." - I'll Catch You by The Get Up Kids

To the one who will never read it.

You re leaving at the end of month and I will still not have my answers. I still had the slightest bit of hope that you would talk to me and we could possibly be friends, up until today. I realized that you are not man enough to talk to me. I realized you are not who I thought you were when I first fell for you. I had contemplated going against my morals and what I stood for when I was around you and now I am glad I didn't do what I thought I might. I would have regretted it fully.
I hate saying "it's too late", but I am afraid I have to say it about us. I don't know what happened to the boy I met and got to know, but I wish he would resurface, if only for one night. I wish he would come around to talk to me like he used to. Tell me things that I thought were true. Its pathetic really. It's like I long for that boy. The words, they were all so perfect. I suppose that should have been a warning sign for me to turn and leave. I believed them though. You made them sound so sincere. We got along, I miss that. I miss being able to talk to you and have you listen. I miss how when I stayed at your house and got the worst cold in history, I looked like hell washed over me and you still held me in your arms. I miss the way you and I would sit before Lit and criticize every person that walked by, we were both horrible and we both loved it. We could laugh together, it was real. I hadn't been that happy in a long time.
I'm scared again now. I am scared to let someone get close, I had broken that wall down with you and you made me put it back up. I'm afraid now. I am afraid to trust what anyone may say to me again. All the fears I once had that you made vanish are now back. I must start all over again. You made me want to believe in something I thought I never would. Now, I'm back to not believing.

I'm done now. I have so much more to say but its too personal to put on a blog spot. I know you won't read this, so I don't know what the point is. It feels good though. I don't want people to know any of this, yet I want them to know it all.

21.

I wrote a list last night.
It came out to 21 names.
The list is filled with people I feel the need to write a letter to.
These letters may be one sentence, they may be five pages.
Once they are all written, they will be burned, letting go of everything.
Or, hoping to let go of everything.
Are you on the list?
Possibly, but you will never find out.

And the award goes to...

If I had to give awards out to people, I would give these out. To be nice, I won't put the names of the people they go to. Some people would probably get more then one.

Award for Biggest Asshole.
Award for Runner up Biggest Asshole.
Award for Worst Boyfriend.
Award for Most Annoying Guy.
Award for Best Friend.
Award for Best Actor (in my life).
Award for Biggest Liar.
Award for Cheesiest Lines Used on Every girl.
Award for Best Guy Friend.
Award for Worst Guy Friend.
Award for Most Whipped.
Award for Dumbest friend.
Award for Awesome friend I never see.


mmm i will probably add more lata.

It's always fun.

I always get a kick out of seeing an old crush and having all those little girl feelings come back for a night. It makes me giggle thinking about it.




Listening Post:

Goodbye Friendship, Hello Heartache - Cinematic Sunrise
Sweet Valium High - Charlotte Sometimes
Headed for Heartbreak - Captin Kid
A Question for You - We Smoke Fags
Campus - Vampire Weekend
Earthquake - The Used
Why Does it Always Rain on Me? - Travis
Silent all These Years - Tori Amos

Another Top 5!

So I did a Top 5 list of things sometime last year, but I kind of wanted to do it again because I'm boooored. So here are a few different categories. Remember, these are MY Top 5, I don't care what you think. They are also pretty much in order one to five.

Top 5 Clothing Sites or Stores
1. Urban Outfitters
2. American Apparel
3. Heritage
4. Target
5. Old Navy


Top 5 Cutest Boys in the Music Industry.
1. Taylor Hanson

2.Craig Owens

3. Conor Oberst

4. Anthony Green

5. Keith Murray



Top 5 Best Shows of 2008
1. Hanson
2. Conor Oberst/Jenny Lewis
3. Modern Life is War (final show)
4. Jimmy Eat World
5. We Are Scientists

Top 5 Best Moments of 2008
1. Road trip to Omaha
2. Meeting The Spill Canvas
3. Seeing Hanson live
4. Almost getting strangled by Keith Murray's mic cord
5. John and Angie's Bachelor/Bachelorett Party

Top 5 Worst Memories of 2008
1. Modern Life is War breaking up
2. Having a major mental breakdown
3. Wasting time on a d00d
4. Jeff leaving
5. Not seeing my brother for 11 months

Top 5 Dream Jobs (if i had the talent to do them)
1. Own my own fashion line
2. Do make-up for a movie
3. Own a record store
4. Be a manager for a real band
5. Teach in Africa

Top 5 Things to do before I turn 25
1. Host a Walk
2. Go on a Tom's Shoe Drop
3. Change someones life in any way, shape or form
4. Go on a cross country road trip
5. Graduate college

Top 5 Favorite Places in Newton
1. The Secret Shop
2. The cemetery
3. La ca Bona (spelling is wrong)
4. Taco Johns
5. Perkins

Top 5 Things I wear or Carry with me Daily
1. My two rings from Mexico
2. My cell phone
3. Chap stick
4. Mascara
5. Ipod or music

Top 5 Favorite Youtube channels
1. LiveLavaLive
2. TheSpillCanvasBoys
3. ItzHanson
4. THEjasoncastro
5. Eljough - HA!

Top 5 Quirks about me
1. I sleep with a stuffed animal
2. I must always be listening to music if I'm not at work or at school
3. My music is alphabetized right to left, not left to right.
4. I laugh at almost everything
5. I pop only my pinkie knuckles

Top 5 Favorite Lyricists
1. Conor Oberst
2. Craig Owens
3. Nick Thomas
4. Aaron Marsh
5. Chris Carrabba, The boys of Hanson and Tim Kasher.


thats all for now!

He said it...

"This is what matters...I'm not going to be defined by bullshit, I'm going to be defined by what gets me going" - Taylor Hanson on Independent Music.

That boy is smart and knows whats up.

You don't do this.

I don't know what to do in this situation. I never thought I would be on the receiving end of these actions. I would have put money on me doing this to him before he would ever do it to me. I don't know what to think, how to act tomorrow or what to say. I don't understand. You don't do this, not to this extent anyways. You don't do this, especially when I am in the blame and have done nothing wrong what-so-ever to be treated like this. Looks like I picked myself another winner. Go me!

Mmmbop.

Ever waited 11 years to experience something you have dreamt about from day one? Yeah, I have too and last night the dream came true. So, most people are embarrassed to say they listen to Hanson or even that they own a c.d. Well, not me. I'm proud of it. I have been in love with these boys since 1997 and finally last night my dream of seeing them live came true. It was the best high I have had in a long time. Lauren and I just let loose and danced and sang our hearts out.

Caution:

My blogspot is becoming quite lame lately. I have nothing to write about nor can I seem to ever write what I want to. So in turn, I will post pointless little blogs that no one will care about. Random facts. Pictures, hey maybe I will even put up a playlist from time to time. Maybe, just maybe you will get something worth reading once in awhile, but don't get your hopes up.

The Best Thing.

One of the best things in life, is live music.
I adore it like nothing else.

Oldies.

Here are a few songs that should be retired from my speakers for specific reasons yet have found their way into my speakers quite often within the past few days.

Sit & Sink - The Graduate
When You're Gone - Avril Lavigne
Connect the Dots - The Spill Canvas
Bigger Scars Make Better Stories - Search the City
Marshalltown - Modern Life is War
What If - LFO
Swing, Swing - All American Rejects
My Eyes Burn - Matchbook Romance
Sweetness in Starlight - Matt Wertz
Three Cheers for Five Years - Mayday Parade
Conspiracy - Paramore

Fuck Responsibility.

New Jersey's finest.



Spanish Bombs show in seven days in Jersey. Let's go!

I'm okay with that.

Where have you been, darling? We used to know of one another and now we are whispers being carried away with the wind. We are heard in every distant song and seen in every faint smile. We have gone our separate ways. Do you still think of me? I won't lie, I think of you. Sometimes, I think of you more then I should. I will not be ashamed for it either. We have grown and become different people. We no longer need the crutch to sleep, we are no longer being ridiculous. We are here. Here for me is somewhere you aren't, nor probably ever will be. I am finally okay with that. We are the ones that tried so hard only to fail. I am okay with that as well. Sometimes I just wonder, where have you been, darling?

Debate.

I hate politics and probably will NOT talk about them with you, ever. But I will say this, I can not stand the sound of Senator McCain's voice. I also can not stand his robot running mate Mrs I Do Not Know How to Answer Questions. That is all.

New territory.

Could it be? I would like to think so,yet I'm scared. The past is rearing in and all the hurt is just lingering. I need to let it go. This time could be different. He knows how I feel. For the first time, I was upfront and honest from the first minute. I felt my walls break. He knows I have been hurt, respect is a huge thing for me, and mostly, that I have the biggest morals when it comes to sex. The best thing is after I told him all of that, he gave me a huge hug and said "that's perfect". That is the moment I got scared, if he meant it great, if he didn't I am in for heartache again. That is the moment I wished I would have kept those walls up, but I guess I should just throw all my cautions away and let life take me where it wants. Maybe this could be good for me.

The Great Escape.

It is just around the corner. 48 hours from now and we will be on our way. Oh the freedom is calling my name and I will soon run to it with open arms.

23.

No, this is not about the Jimmy Eat World song.
It is officially September 15, 2008, that means my brother is now 23. In fifteen days I will 20. I am not liking this very much. Chase is so close to graduating college yet it seems like yesterday he graduated high school. In those mere fifteen days, I will no longer be able to call myself a teenager. I should be excited, 380 days until I am 21. But this big 2-0 thing is scaring me. I am grow up way too fast. The real world is hitting me with no mercy. I remember birthdays from when I was little. Chase and I would have parties together because our birthdays were so close. We would invite everyone to our house for cake and presents, lots of presents. These days, its a card and text message wishing a Happy Birthday due to the fact we are all grown up and living in different states. Man, what I would give to go back to birthdays of the past.



Thinking To:

Blessings Be Yours Mister V - Sounds of Animals Fighting
Whatever You Want - T.I.
Oscar the Grouch - The Cool Kids
West Coast Frienship - Owl City

Testing the strong ones.

Last night I:
Smiled.
Felt envy.
Laughed, a true laugh.
Felt jealousy.
Sang Copeland.
Had flashbacks.
Wished.
Worried.
Remembered why I loved them so much.

Sweet Sounds of Fall.

I haven't done a playlist lately
so here it is, its a little bit of new, old, even older, and super old.


5 Years Time - Noah and the Whale
Mr Rock & Roll - Amy MacDonald
Fireflies - Ron Pope
Brightest - Copeland
California - Copeland
Atrophy - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Santa Monica - Savage Garden
The Difference - Matchbook 20
I'm Leaving - Jessey McCartney
Alcohol & Bandages - JamisonParker
Dead on Arrival - Fall Out Boy

The L Word.

Today in class we talked about love. The types of love, the theories of love and expectations of love. My professor told us to think about someone we are in love with or once loved. I sat there and two people came to mind, one stuck out more then the other so I used him. As my professor was describing all three of these categories of love, I couldn't help but have my mind turn back time to when him and I were in each others lives with great force and what he meant to me. I listened as he spoke about how we act when we are in love and how we feel...hearts racing at the sound of their name, sweaty palms, a never ending smile. He then told the class to think of that one person we are in love with or were in love with. Did we fit somewhere into what he was saying? If so, then we had really found love. I smiled, yet it quickly faded because I don't have those feelings anymore. My professor then went on to ask the class if we were no longer with the one we loved, what happened? He left us to ponder that as he dismissed the class. During my whole next class, I tried to figure out what when wrong and why we lost in the game of love. I have yet to figure it out.

Could it be?

What once was, could be relived, if only for a night. Will it happen? Am I letting my hopes get to high? It could be around the corner. Flying back to the fall of '05 in the fall of '08. Only for one night, it would mean the world to us. We can only hope and pray it all follows through.

Six Kinds of Blue.

I can not for the life of me come to grips on what happened to all of us. It was a mere three years ago when we were inseparable. We would go nowhere without the rest of us. This time of year always brings back the memories. I can clearly remember details as if it happened three minutes ago. I was 16, about to turn 17. Lauren was 15, we were all young. So naive to think nothing would ruin the tight bond we all shared.
As I said, I can remember things clearly. I remember waking up an extra ten minutes early to go pick up Lauren, go to Casey's to get breakfast pizza. We would then drive around eating it while smoking and listening as The Spill Canvas filled my car. We would have the windows down as the cool, fall, morning air brushed our fingertips making them red. We would arrive to school smelling of smoke and not caring. Meeting up with Matt in the hallway before classes started planning what we would be doing that night. Meet at Mike's? Go to the Bridge? The Courts? The Church? Maytag park? It was different, yet the same every night. No one got tired of it, or each other. We were a group of seven or eight kids who had the same views on life and loved living it. My white Buick and Mike's big beat up blue van were our ways of transportation to and from shows every other weekend. Copeland blared from our stereos, we would all sing along with so much energy, almost as if we all knew this friendship was too good to be true.
It was just that, too good to be true. We started to grow apart. Girlfriends disrupted our tight knit group. A few of us matured. Some of us got into trouble. We separated, slowly at first, then it became inevitable, we were no longer best friends. The late nights doing illegal things stopped. Phone calls and text messages became sparse, dwindling down to nothing. What once was, was no longer.
Now, I am left to think about the memories, what was, what could have been,and what is.

Fun Facts in Numbers.

One day ago was a day of numbers.

Dad turned 52.
Filled my car for $45.
Drove over 60 miles.
Spent 1 hour in my car driving.
It was 1 year since I was on the cruise.
I got 2 questions wrong on a Marriage test (I'm ready for marriage I am told HA).
I had 4 quizzes.
I had 4 classes.
I sang in front of 9 people, 3 times.
I passed 5 Ohio plates coming home from school.
I passed 7 Illinois plates on the way to school.
I passed 6 Illinois plates coming home from school.
I sent 5 texts messages to Philip while driving home.
I sent 1 text message to Lauren while driving home.
I saw 2 Newton kids in Ankeney.
I made 2 phone calls.
I listened to Copeland's Beneath Medicine Tree 2 times.
I received 3 phone calls from some number I didn't know.
Watched 5 of Mitchell Davis' youtube videos.
Dropped my car keys 2 times while walking to my car.
aaand more importantly it was...
Exactly 3 years since I had made some amazing friends, who I no longer ever see.

Neat huh?

August 22, 2008

Oh the things people think up.
Today, I heard I was pregnant. Anyone in their right mind would know that is a rumor and the funniest thing in the world.

New Light.

It's weird, seeing people in a new light. People whom you think you know so well. They turn and surprise you. A new found light has shed upon a few people just within the past 72 hours. None of them have been good light. Their true colors are revealed. At times, it is almost scary to believe they are ones you cared so deeply for at one point in life. The monsters from within slowly creep out and find you just in time to attack before receding back. The ones you would have sworn by were great people with no bad in them, become people unbearable to even think about. Once again I am left in awe of how people can change in the blink of an eye. These strange new lights will again make me take second glances at the people who enter my life. Precautions will again resurface for awhile.

Lucky Number 8

Wow, I am so in awe right now. 8 gold medals in one Olympics. It's never been done and the world witnessed it tonight as the medley relay team came in first. It was almost heart stopping. I have never really been one to follow swimming, and this year it caught my attention. I was enthralled to see someone the age of my brother accomplish something so amazing. It makes me realize that dreams can come true if you set your mind to it. Michael Phelps is honestly an inspiration to many people in this generations and the ones to come. To an extent I am speechless, I wanted to write something really clever and inspiring, but I am too jittery to do so. Ha, I am sooo lame.

London.

I want to shop at the cutest boutiques. I want to buy the latest shirts and shoes in fashion. I want to sit at the quaintest little bistro having a glass of chardonnay while maybe even smoking a cigarette. I want to walk down the beautiful lit up streets at night. I want to go to The Eye and see it all. I want to walk the pavement some of the greatest punks have walked. Falling in love would be amazing too, but I won't ask for that much. I want to watch him make his dream come true. I want to witness history in the making. I want to do this all with great friends. Maybe, just maybe in 2012 I can.

Same routine.

It's really quite simple, the same routine has started. Lot of talking and smiles on my end. Its how it begins every time. I know what is coming and I know I should stop right now, but I am the weakest person one will ever meet and I will not for anything stop myself. Another let down is just around the corner. Neat.

History.

I'm kind of in love with the boy who made history tonight...





This moment was priceless.

Remember Me as a Time of Day

It's sights like these that make me want to never leave Iowa. The sunset that past couple of days have been breathtaking.

One year to the day.

August 7th, 2007. It was exactly one year ago today. We were sneaking around, going to des moines, kissing in the rain, and promising each other forever. It is all I can think about, the memories are flooding my mind and will not let me come up for air. I can only think of how he doesn't even know, and it hurts to think that. It was of the past though and it is time to just move on. I have been trying for the past seven months to just move on, but I believe this one year mark is really the start of just moving on. We promised each other we would make it to next summer, next summer is officially here as of today and we didn't make it. There is no use in hanging on still. He was the best thing to ever happen to me and the memories will stay with me forever, however, its of the past.

Half Alive.

I'm hiding behind this smile. It's quite the mask, you would never be able to tell. I haven't come out for awhile now. Every attempt I attempt just leaves me broken. I can't go on half living this life on my own. I am sick and tired of it. No, I'm not okay, so stop asking, it's not like anyone cares anyway. I am living half alive, I am so empty inside. Everyone is out enjoying their nights while I sit alone thinking and wondering. Every move I make takes so much effort. Half alive in this world full of lively people. I would give anything to feel alive, fully alive, just once again. Half alive, half broken. I would never think twice of letting any of you live half alive, if only you felt the same for me.

Wow.

It has been an interesting day.

Mom's birthday.
Sunny.
Warm.
Lightning.
Thunder.
Downpour.
No rain.
80 mph wind.
Sitting in a random parking lot.
Watching fuses spark.
Airplane flipping over from wind across the street from us.
LOTS of rain.
No rain.
Blue skies.
Grey skies.
Downpour.
Crying.
Pissed off.
Breaking up with Jon even though we aren't dating. (too long to write about)
Wondering.
More storms on the way.

Mhmm

I am happy because today i bought not one, not two, not three, not even four, but FIVE...



AAAANNNDDD I bought



who could not be happy with that many v-neck t's and bukowski? I mean seriously.

Pointless.

On a sad/pathetic note:
I kind of wish I had friends to hang out with.


On a happy note:
I got this today. My second favorite lyrical genius...Craig Owens graced the cover of AP.





aaaand I kind of wish I could meet him....sadly he can brighten my day...
Maybe its his pretty smile. haha.

Goodbye...Hello.

Today I added another amazing person to the list of people who have left my life. As much as I want to be optimistic about keeping him in my life and going out there to visit him, I can't. Its impossible. I cried, and I mean really cried because he left. I didn't think it would effect me this much, but it has. I took our friendship for granted. I always thought there would be so many more times to hang. I didn't REALLY think he would move. I thought he would be just another Midwest kid with big dreams. Well, he is. Only he is the kid that makes his dreams reality. I cried because I didn't get to spend as much time with him as I wanted. His friendship was always there, it may have seemed to drift away at times, but it never truly went away. I cried because I am jealous. I am jealous because he is living his dreams and I'm nowhere close to mine. I cried because I suck at goodbyes or in this case, getting a goodbye text. I handled the in person goodbye just fine, probably because I thought it wasn't really happening.

I have come to realize I take my friendships for granted way to often. Every person I meet in life, I act as if they will be there forever. I should know by now that is not the case. From now on, I will not take a friendship for granted, I can't risk it. I can't stand loosing great people. I've had enough of it. Today showed me I need to change, and I will.




Rockin Out To:
One More Sad Song - All American Rejects
Checkmarks - The Academy Is...
Always Move Fast - Lydia
World is Full of Crashing Bores - Morrissey
A Day Late - Anberlin

I want to know...

I want to know my purpose in life. I want to know why I have met the people I have. I want to know if I will ever cross paths with the people who have left my life. Will they be of importance later on in life, or are they really gone for good? I want to know if the people in my life now will always be here. I want to know who I am going to marry. I want to know if I will have kids and a cute little family. I want to know if any of my dreams will come true. I want to know why people say what they say but mean something completely different. I want to know why people would rather lie then tell the truth right away. I want to know why no one seems to care about people like they used to. I want to know why best friends become acquaintances. I want to know why people have to ruin good music scenes. I want to know why people always need to be different when it just makes them all the same. I want to know why some people really love, while others don't. I want to know so many things. I want to know why in my darkest hours, no one was there. I want to know why God took my grandpa from me too soon. I want to know what makes people stop loving. I want to know why my brother and I weren't tight as children. I want to know why we are still in this war. I want to know what makes her better then me. I want to know why they haven't found a cure for cancer. I want to know how I got stuck with a shitty immune system disease to give me psoriasis. I want to know why we can go over seas to help people, yet won't help people in our own country. I want to know what I can do for people in our country as well as people in Darfur. I want to know what makes the sound of symphonies so intriguing.
I just...want to know.

One year ago.

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my dad's accident.
I still pray just about every day God didn't take him from us.

Today is exactly one year since the last time I smoked.
I remember it clearly, it was with Tim while sitting on the porch in Marshalltown.

Today a year ago I first met her, now I think I may never have to encounter her again.
I didn't like her, I pretended I did though. I was just jealous.

One year ago today, he got mad at me. Or maybe he was jealous. Not sure. Man, jealousy filled that night.

Simply put, a year ago my life changed dramatically. Faith was restored, my eyes were opened, and jealousy roared (only to be laughed at now).



Listening Station:

Let Your Spirit Soar - The Morning Of
Cut Your Hair - Pavement
Two Princes - Spin Doctors
Put Some Clothes On - Breathe Carolina
Monster - L7
Because The Night - 10.000 Maniacs

This Is For Keeps.

Last night I witnessed an amazing show. The Spill Canvas visited Iowa again after three years. This band has been my favorite band since I first heard them in 2004. I then fell in love with their live set in 2005 when Jeremy, Shane, Matt, Lauren and I all went to their show at The House of Bricks. They are the band that has pulled me through many times. Every lyric Nick Thomas writes and sings, has a message that touches me in one way or another. Listening to songs off of One Fell Swoop brought back so many memories, a tear or two formed throughout the show. The show also helped me with my life at this very moment. It made me feel alive. I know, its just a show, but it was just what I needed in my life right now. A band that means so much, to play live. It was the dose of medicine I had been longing for, for three weeks.

Jumbled thoughts.

I realize I have pretty much lost everyone in my life. No one calls to see how I am. No one seems to care, if they do care, they have a funny way of showing it. The only constant people these days are my mom and brother, who would have thought my brother. He randomly texts me and for some reason, every time he does, it makes me smile because he tells me he loves me. My mom has finally come to realize how unhappy I am here. In our long talk this past week she asked if I wanted to go to UNI this fall instead of next, when I asked her why she asked that, she looked at me with tears forming and simply said, "because you are unhappy here and don't like it anymore." It is a strange feeling when someone so close to you realizes you aren't happy. It was saddening. She told me she would put me on a plane to go visit my great aunt in California, I told her to do so. She then told me she would send me to Houston, Texas to stay with LuAnn or send me to Kentucky to stay with my brother. If we had the money, I know she would do any one of those three because all she wants is for me to be happy. I am so grateful for her. We again today had a long talk about what I would do if I moved out to California. I used to think it was just a big dream that would never happen, now with everyday, I can see it getting closer. With everyday that passes, I sit at home with no one or with nothing to do, I can see my dream come true a day sooner. I may not have anyone out there either, but its a fresh start. No one will know me or have prior knowledge of my life. I will not know them, we will get to know each other and great things could happen. Now, many people may think I am just feeling sorry for myself. There is a point in every ones life where they realize they need to change something. I am at that point. I need change, I am not happy here. I have tried to put up with things here and act as if they don't affect me, but I can hide it no longer. It comes down to everyday, I lie to myself and say that "its okay", because if I don't I fear I will go insane. I must repeat this everyday just to get by. This is not meant to be suicidal either, it may come off that way in a sort, but lord no. I would rather but stuck here then do that. I am beginning to ramble, and I'm sure this jumbled mess makes no sense, and for that I am sorry. It is just words I needed to get off my chest.

Number 3

So I am sitting here thinking about people and my life. The number 3 seems to haunt me.

3 - number of blogs written today.
3 - number of Warped Tours I have attended.
3 - number of times I went to Gatlinburg, Tennessee for Spring break with Liz.
3 - number of years between my brother and I.
3 - number of months Jon and I dated.
3 - number of months since Jon and I broke up.
3 - number of years since I first became friends with Jeff and Tyler.
3 - number of years since I used to call Mike, Shane and Jeremy my best friends.
3 - number of girls that are my friends.
3 - number of months JD and I's summer thing lasted.
3 - number of pillows I sleep with.
3 - number of blankets on my bed.
3 - number of times I have seen Armor for Sleep (i think)
3 - number of Hanson, Good Charlotte and Backstreet Boy cds I own.
3 - number of converse I own.
3 - number of years I went without dating someone.
3 - number of plain white t's I own.
3 - number of years till I am GONE from this place. (hopefully sooner though. 3 months or even weeks would be nice)

I am sure there are many more things in my life that revolve around that damn number.

A fresh start.

Maybe we will make some progress and get somewhere tonight.
Starting over.
Maybe its what we need.



So I just realized I don't ever really write anymore. Its just like an online diary. I can't seem to write these days. Hopefully it comes back to me soon.

June 26, 2008

Getting out last night felt great. I was with people who made me smile. It was good to feel wanted again. I love being able to spend time with people like that. There were many great laughs shared, new friends made and many great stories told. Though it did not cure me of this rut I am in, it helped. I still am in dire need of leaving this place, but a few nights like last night will keep me kickin here for a bit longer I suppose.



Tunes I have been Jammin to:

Marshalltown - Modern Life Is War
Warwick Avenue - Duffy
Take A Walk on the Wild Side - Lou Reed
Hi Hater - Maino
See You Again - Miley Cyrus
Beat Goes On - Sonny and Cher
Heres to the Night - Eve 6
I saw the Sign - Ace of Base

Grrr

I really really really really need to get out of here. This little thing should not effect me, its a fucking song. But I can't help it. It was our song and I know for a fact its not directed towards me anymore. I need to get away from everyone and everything here. GOD I just want to scream! I want to punch something for being so dumb. I want to leave everything behind and never look back.

Branching out.

My mom and I talked tonight about how I am set that I am never going to find someone to get married to and have cute babies with. She told me my problem is I don't "branch out there". Well I am sorry but I have branched out from Newton to Pella and to Marshalltown to Ames, hell I even branched to freaking Illinois. If not branching out is my problem, then I need to obviously move out of the Midwest cause I have branched here and there is NOTHING.

The boys around these parts need to grow up and figure out what they are doing with their lives. They need to realized the world doesn't revolve around them and that things will not always be handed to them like they would like to think they will be. I want a boy who has morals, goals and lot of love to share. I want a boy who can be my best friend, not just a boyfriend, but a friend who in times of need will just hold me. I want a boy who doesn't always have to touch. I want a boy who reads books and has something to say about it after he is done reading it. I want a boy who listens to records and good music. I want a boy who doesn't just sit around and play video games. I want a boy who can see through peoples flaws and love them just the same. I want a boy who will dream bigger then me and maybe even possibly achieve the dream. I want a boy who is spontaneous and doesn't always have to make plans to do something. I want a boy who will just lay around and not say a word for hours but just listen to the words flowing from our speakers. I want a boy who can be straight up honest no matter how brutal it may turn out to be. I want a boy who can enjoy the little things in life. I want a boy who will listen to Hanson, NSYNC and Britney Spears with me. I want a boy who isn't afraid to dance around to music and laugh with me. I want a bad boy who has a sweet side.

Now, I know I want a lot in a boy. But honestly, whats so wrong with wanting specifics? When I branch out, I hope I find him.

Haha

Look what three years can do to people.
We all look so much older.


-2005-


-2008-

It's great, it really is.

Alive. It is what I have felt since last Wednesday. It is the greatest feeling in the world.
I've
Bought a shit ton of new music.
Got a make-over.
Danced in the rain.
Got stranded in Marshalltown.
Had a slumber party.
Ate waffles in bed.
Tried to watch Igby Goes Down.
Watched The Blair Witch Project.
Laid around all day.
Drove to Marshalltown twice in three days.
Went to a wedding.
Witnessed true love.
Saw Tom and Jill.
Danced till I was sweating a river.
Had a hissy fit...then got over it.
Sang to music I secretly love while dancing.
Danced diiiirty.
Had good hair days for three days.
Hung out with my Pella boys.
Ate Georges pizza.
Felt loved by old friends again.
Stayed out late.
Looked up at the pretty sky.
and
Smiled...a lot.

Man, I love this! I hope these good feelings continue.

Figured it out.

So the dream, Lauren figured it out. It happened though, I had the dream, then lived it and she finished it for me. It was almost as if she were watching the rest of my dream. A revelation I guess you could say. It's crazy, it really is. I'm not going to tell anyone who the mystery person was or what Lauren saw, just know Lauren helped me figured it out. It has been on my mind all day, dreams really do mean something.




I haven't done a playlist for awhile so here ya go!:

I love you and Buddha too - Mason Jennings
Chain Me Free - The Matches
Fox in the Garden - Paper Rival
Troubled Times - Your Vegas
Medicine Wheel - Aimee Mann
Your Birthday Present - The Good Life
Sweet Darlin' - She & Him

First to say goodbye, last one to regret it.

I hate how I still get butterflies when he smiles and winks at me.
I hate how I still long for his strong arms to wrap around me.
I hate how I still want that dream of following him on the road when he makes it big.
I hate how I still have all these feeling for these boys that I am not with or don't want to be with.
I want to blame everything on them, I want to say they single handily destroyed everything we were and everything we were to become.
I can't though because it takes two to tango.
But they were the first to say hello and the last to say goodbye.
I was the last to say hello and the first to give up and say goodbye.
Its like a movie we have seen a million times.
They are making new friends and getting by while I am sitting here remaining the same.
I am here regretting I ever gave up and said goodbye to any of them.
I guess the moral this time is you'll never get what you want if you say goodbye first.

The perfect little town destroyed.

Then it hit me, or bit me, or maybe it slapped me across the face. The perfect little town that I envied for various reasons is not as perfect as I thought it was. There are villains that live within its boundaries that ruin the perfect perception people have of the town. Being an outsider I always liked being there, a close knit group of friends that could hang out no matter what group they belonged to at school. They could all call each other in times of need and they could all hang out on a Friday night and get drunk or high or whatever it was they chose to do. I wanted that because my little town does not do this. When I went to their pretty little town, I felt welcome by everyone (except the girls). I wanted it so bad and I got a taste of it for about two and a half years. I loved it and wanted more of it. I couldn't get any more of it though. Boys became different, I broke up with their friend, she didn't have sex with him and the rest got girlfriends. Now, now I will never get it because of the drama that has been brought upon them by one person who needed to pour down like rain with his hateful words. All good things must come to an end right? Welp, here is the end for them.

A new me?

So I have decided that after my mouth is done healing I am going to start running. I have always wanted to start so I think I will. It will be like my new best friend. I have always envied the people who jog everyday, the ones who need it. I want that feeling. I hear its invigorating. Plus it will never leave me like people in my life do. I can listen to music and run, music never leaves me either, so it will work out great. Now, granted I did jog last week, and I did almost die, but that is okay. I have to start somewhere, ha. While others are out smoking their weed or drinking or doing whatever the ones who have been forgetting about me are doing, I will be running. Call me crazy, I don't care.

Sayings

These are some sayings that I really like because they have meanings or just make me smile.

-Its hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.

-When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.

-I'm outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk on porches.

-Passion is knowing what you want and not stopping till you get it.

-The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just starring into space - Marilyn Monroe

-I believe in love, lust, sex and romance. I don't want everything to add up to the perfect equation...i want mess and chaos. I want someone to go crazy out of his mind for me. I want to feel passion, heat and madness, I want it ALL.

-It's the hardest thing to know you had everything you wanted yet found a way to lose it all.

-Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to.

-Fake, it's the latest trend and everyone seems to be in style.

-From hotel floors to, myspace messages. To baseball fields to late night phone calls and endless text messaging, it has all gone by way to fast.

Could Craig be my inspiration?

Craig Owens wrote Baby You Wouldn't Last A Minute On The Creek at his breaking point. When he thought he should just give up on Chiodos and quit. Just when he thought nothing else could go wrong and when he thought nothing was going to get better. Things got better after he wrote the song though. The song and CD is amazing. Maybe, just maybe something amazing will come from these fingertips of mine like the words flowed from his pencil years ago. I can only hope, because as of right now I am at my breaking point, I just want to walk away from everyone and everything. I guess I will just keep writing. Like Bukowski is Craig's inspiration, maybe Craig will be mine.

Oh, its June already.

It is already June. Summer is well on its way. Yet nothing exciting has come about. I am sitting at home once more. I used to like being at home, having time to myself, but now I feel like I am going crazy some nights. I'm sure your thinking, go hang out with friends then. Thats the problem every single person in this town sucks. I do not want to surround myself with these people. I do have friends in other towns, but half the time none of us want to spend money on gas to visit each other. Fuck. I need a new life, but to do so I need a new town or even better a new state. That is nowhere in my near future, so I am screwed.

Nikki Sixx

What an intriguing man. I just watched a show on him. Definition of sex, drugs and rock and roll for sure. I NEED his book. Someone should probably buy it for me!

My fear came true.

Lauren and I were just talking the other night about how we really don't like sirens. Sirens are never good, they always mean bad things. I told someone I hoped I never have to dial 9-1-1 in my life because it would be so scary. Well... I had to dial and the sirens were in my driveway.

Dialing the numbers 9-1-1 is one of the scariest things I have ever had to do. I knew I needed to though. I went through something much more serious then this last summer with my dad, all those thoughts came flooding back when I saw him laying on the floor saying he blacked out and couldn't stand up. I thought it was going to happen all over, I thought I was going to almost loose him for the second time in less then a year. The big man up above is really looking out for him though. I just wish he would look out for him a little better.

After all of this, my brother sent me a text telling me how proud he was of me and that he loved me. For my brother to tell me he loved me meant a great deal to me. I know he cares and loves me and I with him. We just don't show it much. For him to say this...it really touched me.

Dream.

Lightening streaked across the black sky sending majestic colors of purple, blue, and white into the night. Thunder crashed all around and the rain poured as if the world was ending. There I stood all alone on a street that seemed familiar but could not be placed anywhere in my mind. The rain was running down my face as I tried to see through the rain with each lightening strike. Up ahead there was a stop light blinking red. Under the blinking light appeared a person. I could not see who it was. I called out to them with no response in return. I started to walk towards the blinking light jumping at every crash of thunder. I was soaked to the bone but didn't care. I had no idea where I was and just wanted to find out. As I got closer, I could tell the person was male. I called out to him again, he stood there completely still looking up at the lightening. I got about five feet away and he spoke saying something about the future and what is ahead, I could not hear him clearly due to the thunder and rain. I asked him to repeat himself, he started to turn to face me.

I then woke up, it was a weird dream. If dreams really do mean something, then I would love to know what the hell this dream means.

Will We?

The sound of your voice takes me back.
The way my name rolls off your tongue.
Why are things the way they are?
What could we have done differently?
Will we ever get another shot?
If we do, will we do it right?



Playlist:
Mozart's 9th Symphony - Mozart
1st Symphony - Beethoven
7th Symphony - Beethoven
-yes i am listening to symphonies, they are amazing-

May 18, 2008

Today marks one year since my graduation party.
Today marks the ninth year since my grandpa died.
Today marks the day Lauren graduates.
Today marks the day life will just begin for us all.

Grrrrrrrreat.

Damn, it happened.
I didn't want it too but it did.
I forgot how comfortable I am around him.
I don't WANT him, but this whole wanting to want someone thing is getting me.
And I want him.
Ugh, just another thing to add to my life.
I hope this feeling will be gone in a few days.



Playlist:
The Age of Consent - Neverending White Lights
From Blown Speakers - The New Pornographers
Ruby Soho - Rancid
Iowa City Adieu - Autumn Defense
No one's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
Bookshop Casanova - The Clientele
Ocean Spray - Manic Street Preachers

Lost.

I can't stand to even look at pictures anymore. They bring back a time in my life where I was happy. The smile on my face was not forced or fake. It was genuine. These days, I can't even remember what my real smile looks like. I have to turn to these pictures. The ones that scream fun, young and naive. Its funny how things change so quickly. If someone would have told me three years ago I would be where I am today, I would have laughed in their face. I would have told them they were crazy, my friends would never leave me and that I will live this amazing life forever. I wish I could go back and tell myself that life sucks, things will happen and you won't have the great life for long. I would have told myself to enjoy it and not take a single thing for granted. I would have told myself to not worry about the boys who would come into my life. That the "love" I would find, was really not love at all, or so I don't think it was. I can't do that though, I don't live in a fantasy movie world. So I'm stuck here, here in this life where I can't do anything but wish and reminisce. I can't move on because my heart simply won't let me, I can't look past the greys into the bright blues because my eyes won't let me. I can't think straight because my mind is to bogged down by the mistakes and loses in my life. I have become something I hoped would never happen to me. I have become lost.

I want.

Picnics.
Playing in the rain.
Playing baseball.
Traveling.
Walking on the beach.
Laying in the grass watching clouds roll by.
Counting stars.
Hide and Seek.
Catching fireflies.
Wrestling in the leaves.
Piggy-back rides.
Laughing till our sides hurt.
Dancing to no music.
Watching Titanic.
Board games.
Waiting until the times right.

all of these things and more,
if i could find HIM,
the one who would do all of this with no complaints.
I would be the happiest girl ever.
So if you're him and reading this,
please, introduce yourself.
lets get acquainted.
something magical could happen.

Fortune.

I opened a piece of chocolate and my fortune read:

Dare to love completely.


Hmm, maybe its telling me something.

Shorties got low.

Just when I thought people couldn't get more low then those two boys, I get surprised and find out its possible. People are really low. They never think about what their actions might do to people. It's ridiculous what people will do. Put other people ahead of yourself for once. Think about how they might feel before you go screwing people over. (literally and figuratively)

Love to hate and hate to love

Songs I love to hate and hate to love because of the meanings they have to me.

Thunder - Boys Like Girls
When you're gone - Avril Lavigne
Sit and Sink - The Graduate
Rock the Casbah - The Clash
Brightest - Copeland
Connect the Dots - The Spill Canvas
The Greatest Fall (of all time)- Matchbook Romance
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous - Good Charlotte
Cupid - Sam Cooke
Hey You - Aaron Carter
Boston - Augustana
Liar - Taking Back Sunday
Make damn Sure - Taking Back Sunday
California - Copeland
Don't Bore Us, Get to the Chorus - Emery
I Did it My Way - Frank Sinatra
Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World
Marshalltown - Modern Life is War

Could it be...

I can not write like I used to. Could it be because I have nothing to write for? Nothing to write about? Everything that once was is no longer. The words do not flow. Is it because the things that once intrigued me to write, are no longer in my life? Is it because I have given up? Is it because I see no use for it anymore? The thing that once got me through the day now almost hurts to do. Could it be because everything I write seems to have a double meaning? It is because everything I write hurts someone somehow? Is it because I'm scared you will never read it? Is it because I'm scared you will read it? Could it be any of these? Could it be all of these?

Voices

The voices gracing my stereo speakers lately have been

Modern Life Is War
William Elliott Whitmore
We The Kings
Yoav
Mates of State
The American Analog Set
Michael Tolcher

First Name Basis.

Something funny.
The name of my blog.
"First Name Basis"
I just remembered where I got the name from.
Thanks to jealous friends and knowing people they didn't.
haha only Lauren will know what I'm talking about, but who cares.
It's funny.

No longer.

As we sat there, our faces lit by the glow of the fire we talked. We talked about the past, as usual. This time though, our past was right in front of our eyes. Others were living our past, only they were living it in the moment. It's the weirdest thing to see and feel this. Everything we once were two years ago, we are no longer. New people have come in and taken our places in the hearts of the people we once called our friends. We are no longer one of them. Their smiles no longer are directed our way, but to the way of these new found friends. Their hands no longer find their way up our arms or legs but the arms and legs of these new people. They are finally growing up, moving on, realizing its time. We are still young, if this is any sign, we have another 6 years before we grow up. The ones we thought would always be there are slowly fading into the horizon. Who will be left? Who will be there when we finally grow up? Its a scary thought.

Proud.

There are a few people I am very proud of at this moment.

One would be the boys of Modern Life Is War. I'm not saying this just because I have gotten close to them over the past three years, but because it is all true. MLIW was an amazing band. The lyrics Jeff wrote were not only heartfelt, but real. They were the kind of band that on the worst day, I would put into my stereo and know that everything was going to be okay in the end "the world doesn't hate you, dear, it just doesn't care" - those lyrics were/are powerful to me. They never played a show with less then 100%, ever. They never liked to let their fans down. There are not many bands out there that are like that anymore. They showed the world that Iowa is not just full of corn, they are the reason I am proud to be from this state. They have inspired so many people and will do so throughout the future. They may not be a band anymore, but I am very proud of them and the amazing things they accomplished in the past 6 years. I'm sure you will get sick of reading about these guys, but they really have a place in my heart and were a big part of my life. So deal with it.

The other person I am very proud of is my brother. Him and I have never been on the same page for anything through life. We have nothing in common. I don't say it enough, but I am so proud to be his sister. He is not only a genuinely nice person, but an amazing athlete. He throws shot and disc for Kentucky, therefore I see him about twice a year. This past weekend, he was in San Diego throwing at a meet and shattered his personal record. His throw not only won the meet, but qualified him for the Olympic Trials in Oregon and it is the 10th furthest throw in the world right now. Times like these, I wish I was closer to him. Telling him congrats about it just didn't seem enough. He deserves so much more then a congrats, but I'm afraid that is all I can offer. Maybe one day we will become closer. I however, will never lose the pride I have for that kid.

"Its like a funeral, get it?"

Who: Modern Life is War, Beat Strings, Old Scratch, William Elliot Whitmore, Desperation, and Quick Fix
What: Modern Life is War's final Show
When: April 26th, 2008
Where: Moose Lodge Marshalltown, Iowa
Why: Because they died.

640 young punks showed up for one of the greatest events in the history of Iowa music. Everyone was one. From the first strum of Breaking the Cycle, to breaking the stage 45 seconds into it, to the first strum of Breaking the Cycle once more to the very last word and guitar strum of Hair-Raising Accounts of a Restless Ghost. They were all there for the same purpose, to make sure their favorite band went out with the biggest bang a band could go out with. They succeeded. Never has the smell of sweat smelt so intriguing, so energizing, so amazing. This band has done so much for not only myself, but many others out there. They may have "died" as a band, but they will forever live in the hearts of the people who love them.

6/20/02 - 6/26/08

Honestly?

The same concept.
Pretty much the same words minus the going to college at Iowa to play baseball.
THE EXACT SAME THING.
Honestly, did he think I wouldn't read it?
Dumb, that must be what he is.
You do NOT use the exact same words you used for a girl a short six months ago.
Its funny how one can be sooo in love with someone, telling the girl she is the only one he ever wants to be with and that she is the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with one month and the next be in love with someone else.
Then when he is done "loving" her, go back to the first girl then go to a different girl once again.
Seriously though,
the exact same thing?
Come on.
At least change it up a bit.
My god, everything in the blog was said to me six months ago. SIX fucking months ago, that is only half a year.
How is any girl supposed to believe a word coming from your mouth and fingers?
These girls, including me are so blind by the sweet talking games.
Its ridiculous.
Thank god you posted your lovely blog about your new lover,
it FINALLY ripped the fucking cover from my eyes and I can see clearly now.
For the first time in 9 months, I can feel free.
Your burden will weigh me down no longer.

11:12

It is one minute past 11:11.
For the first time, I had no wish.
I starred at the clock for one whole minute racking my brain for just one wish.
Nothing came.

i dont care

i am totally sauced as shaun would say
its amzing.
i havent been this way forever.
im talking to tyler olsen and philip.
my two favorites in the whole wrld.
i cant consintrate and i have no idea what im saying.
i saw jimmy eat world tonight, it was amazing.
i cried during Hear you me due to the fact that it has so much meaning behind it.
tonight is perfect and i miss eveeryone.

One for the ex.

For the first time since the day I did it,
I have regretted it.
I am one to not regret things,but something set me off tonight and I cried.
I cried because I think I could have really liked you.
I think what I did was right, but it feels so wrong tonight.
We don't even talk anymore and that is the last thing I wanted.
I miss having you as a friend I could turn to.
I miss the stories of your oh so exciting life.
I miss the way our hands fit together like two pieces of a puzzle.
I miss the way you would keep me warm on cold nights.

Why am thinking all of these thoughts?
I'm sure you have moved on in your life and never think about me,
so I'm going to stop this nonsense.

---

I hate the initial feeling of losing respect for someone.

At last. Maybe. Doubt it.

I'm not sure why I am still standing here holding on.
I just need to let go, and let go completely.
I'm tired of getting hurt.
I'm tired of waiting.
If you wanted to be with me,
You would have done it by now.
You haven't though,
So I am burying the past.
The future with a you and me will be a friendship,
and only a friendship.

The question is...

"but who meets their love online?"

I was asked this question last night by someone.
I had to stop and think.
I thought I had once.
I still kind of think he is the one that will never be.
so some people in a way I guess.
so I answered with

"true"

if only he could have known the tone i said "true" in and the way my eyes looked.
then he would know who does.

Just a few rants.

So bear with me, I am going to be ranting about certain topics that just need to be ranted about.

1. Weather. It is April, usually in Iowa, April means green grass, sunny days, Flowers, blue skies and bunny rabbits hopping around. Instead we have freaking snow. Come on, spring break for most of us was three weeks ago. Spring break for most of us means spring, not winter. We are going to have fucking snow in June. It is ridiculous. This is why I want to live somewhere warm that either never sees snow or sees snow once every ten years. I don't really want anything more right now then warm weather.

2. Annoying show goers. I know I have written a huge rant about this before, but it is something that bugs me. People who go to shows to just say they have been and to meet "famous" people. They are just normal people doing what they love to do and making money for it. These type of people ruin the experience for us who are there for the actual music. I mean there are some people out there who know every name to every band member of every poppy catchy band on the planet. Now, its cool if you want to be obsessed over the music, but the band members, it just gets creepy there. Honestly, I know about one member out of my favorite band. I don't care what their names are or who they have dated or what shirt they wear for good luck. As long as they make noise that gets me through life, I am satisfied. Just remember kiddies: Music is a passion, not a fashion.

3. Obsessive girlfriends. Girls, really, you don't need to know your dudes password to myspace. You don't need to know everything little thing he is saying to other girls. If he is with you, there has got to be something between you two, so just chill. So he may email other girls, there is no harm in that. As long as he is not saying "lets fuck again because last night was awesome", it will be okay for him to talk to girls. Seriously, having friends is okay. It is how a lot of people get through life. Also, don't tell him who he can and can't hang out with, especially if they have been friends for years. Just don't. If you don't like the girls he hangs out with, get to know them, maybe they really aren't that bad. Not every girl is out to fuck your boyfriends. Trust me.

4. Time. This is something that not only makes me mad, but confuses the hell out of me. Have you ever just sat down and thought about time. Something you did a month ago can seem like years ago and something you did years ago seems like it happened yesterday. At times, I can't even remember what I had to eat for lunch but I can sure as hell remember specific details to a night from years before. Think about the past year, do you think it has flown by or gone slower then a turtle running a marathon? For me, a year has flown by yet I feel like I haven't accomplished anything because it has gone to fast to do so, yet I know I have accomplished so much.

5. Myspace. We are all addicted to it, there is no denying it. I'm not here to rant about what goes on on myspace, rather Tom. My god, I have never seen someone who is so incapable of keeping a site running smoothly for more then ten minutes. Every damn hour something is either under construction or there is an error. For real, I would like to get on the site for one day without a little update from Tom stating that something will be down for a bit while they try and fix it. When I first became a myspacer, there were never any problems. Now everything has to be so damn fancy with friend updates and whatever the hell else there is. Just stop, myspace doesn't need to be facebook. Just leave it alone Tom!!

6. Cops. Now, its not that I don't have respect for them because I do. I mean my uncle is one. There are some cops however who are just out there to piss off as many people as possible and be nit picky on every little thing. Example: Wednesday I was on the way to Brad's house to drop him off when I get pulled over. Now it wasn't for speeding because i was following a truck going 15 mph, it wasn't for not wearing a seat belt cause Brad and I both had them on. It was because my break light was out in the back. Now you think, well duh that's a good reason right? Yeah, well I get home and my break light has three different lights in it. Only ONE was out. it wasn't even the blinker light so you could tell I was turning and braking. For Christs sakes, go get the freaking idiots out there who sell drugs or rape people instead of pulling someone over for ONE break light bulb out.

7. Gas prices. Shit. Do I need to say more?

8. Chubby girls who wear tight clothes. Okay, now this may sound mean, but its just the truth. Don't buy clothes that don't fit you properly. No one, and I mean no one really wants to see your stomach peeking out from underneath that tiny tshirt that wouldn't even fit the four year old girl I babysit. Lets be honest with yourself. Do you really think it looks good and do you really feel comfortable when wearing it? I am skinny and I feel funny when I show just a bit of my stomach. I just don't get it. Chubby girls everywhere wear to small of shirts. Its quite sad because they could all be really pretty if they would just wear clothing items that cover things up.

9. Toothpaste. It has the grossest aftertaste in the entire world. It doesn't go away very fast either. It is supposed to make your breath smell good, but as bad as it tastes, sometimes I wonder.

10. Girls who want to grow up so fast. Girls like this are insane. They use words that most forty year olds don't know the meaning too and speak as if they are the most proper people to walk this earth. They tend to look down upon every idea someone their own age thinks is a good idea. I think I would give anything to go back to being sixteen years old. The teenage years fly by way to fast. I didn't want to grow up nor do I still. These girls, they will regret it. They will have to. They will look back on their teenage years and ask them selves why they wanted to grow up so fast. Being a kid and teenager is supposed to be fun, there is plenty of time to be grown up later on in life.

Good things never last.

All good things must come to an end, or so I have been told. And experienced for that matter. Seems all good things that happen in life come for a short time then fade away like the color of leaves in the fall. Why is it, something good can't last forever? Cause let's face it, it never does. You can pretend all you want that whatever it is you have that is wonderful will last forever. However we all get sick of things or they leave or change and are never the same as what they once were. Love, it is said to be amazing when you first find it, and then for sometime after as well. Soon enough though, love fades, people change and the once wonderful connection between two people is no longer the same. Best friends, they come and go more often then some of my friends take showers. People go through ten best friends by the time they hit middle school and then throughout high school and college they have another couple best friends. Their best friend whom they called a sister will most likely change and no longer be the coolest person they know. Music, it amazing. It always will be, but it also changes and your favorite band will soon change too. A band will break up, or "sell out" and they won't be in your Top 5 bands anymore. They will be pushed to the back of the shelf where they will become dusty. You may get sick of the genre you were so dedicated too and have to switch to another one. The car you drive, the house you own, they shoes you wear. They are all wonderful at the time you buy them, but they soon get old, rusty and out of style and they are no longer something good. I am determined to find something that will be wonderful, good, and amazing for the rest of my existence. I believe it would be the coolest thing ever.

Things in my life that ended to soon or don't last long enough:

Being Able To Hang Out With Both of Them At The Same Time


Going To Shows Every Weekend


Being 16 and Clueless


Days Like This


Having Christina As My Twin


Roadtrips With My Best Friend


Summer Loves


Countless Hours At The Secret Shop


Nights In Marshalltown


Summertime Chillin At Red Rock


Crushes On Stupid Boys


High School Memories Such As Prom


Hanging Out With Anton All The Time


Summertime


Being Best Friends With Mike


Being Carefee and Young.